


Denouement

by Torpor



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2017-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-30 23:51:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 69,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6447130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torpor/pseuds/Torpor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Siegbert is forced to rest after suddenly falling ill. During his unwilling vacation, he comes to a sudden realization and must decide whether or not he wants to push forward and see where it takes him, or leave it be and let things stay the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lassitude

**Author's Note:**

> Oops, I know it's not 'Learning to Hope', but I finally managed to write something! I'm so proud of myself. This is a piece I've been picking at for months and until recently hadn't managed to turn out anything I thought was good enough to post, but I think I'm finally starting to recover from my writer's block. I think my phrasing is still a little off and the flow is still stiff, but I can work on that as the story progresses.

Siegbert shivered under his woolen blanket as the cool air cut through the canvas of his tent, and he found himself all but begging his body to move from its place on his cot. The grayish light filtering in from outside told him that he'd overslept; which meant he no longer had time for his morning studies or run, he needed to move now if he wanted to do anything else.  
  
'I can do without breakfast today. If I skip that and hurry through my bath later, I can still make sure all my work is done before the meeting this afternoon.' He thought, groaning as he finally managed to sit up.  
  
He'd agreed to help Caeldori to work on her flanking maneuvers that morning, much to his confusion; why someone like her needed his help he’d never understand. If anything, he felt he should be going to her. Shrugging, he thought through his to-do list for the day. Besides helping Caeldori, he also had to do inventory that day, spend time with his little brother, and finish up his report before that day’s debriefing. It was a heavy load for such a short window, even for him.

'Let's see...' He mused as he dressed, trying his hardest to ignore leaden feeling of his limbs and the way his shoulders screamed in agony with each piece of armor he lifted. 'If I go now, I can help Caeldori for an hour or so, inventory should only take an hour and a half... I can cut Kana's training a little short, bathe, finish my work and get to the meeting. It's manageable.'

On a normal day, such a packed schedule wouldn't be a problem. He'd grown used to tight time tables, close deadlines, and sacrificing his free time in order to get more work done; but he didn't feel like himself this day.

He felt weak and drained, queasy even; as though he'd spill the contents of his stomach if it weren't empty. His mind was a hazy mess of jumbled thoughts, a constant loop of his to-do list and pesky stray thoughts that flitted between his usually tidy bullet points like a bird between branches.

'What is wrong with me? I can't afford to get ill.' He worried, swaying as he attempted to straighten his posture; a prince couldn't walk hunched, after all. With an indignant huff, he finished the final set of buckles on his bracers and shoved on his gauntlets. He would be fine, he just needed to get moving.  
***

Siegbert groaned and panted, looking up at the blue sky. Caeldori's worried face hovered above him, her thin brows puckered in thought as she gazed down at him; her long red hair dangling over her shoulders like a curtain.

"Are you okay? You're never this easy to knock around; are you going easy on me?" She asked, a hint of annoyance in her voice.

"No, of course not. I'm fine, just consider it a testament to how much you've improved." He wheezed, hauling himself to his feet, ignoring her offered hand. His pride was wounded enough as it was, he didn't need to shame himself further.

"I don't think that's it. You're an impressive warrior, Siegbert; and Nohrian tactics synergize well with what I'm trying to accomplish. I know I can learn from you, but you're off your game today. Are you sure you're feeling well? You're so pale!" She fussed, leaning closer to get a better look. "Do I need to get a healer?"

"No!" He exclaimed, backing away as she took a step closer. He cleared his throat and righted himself, looking at her apologetically. "No, thank you. You really needn't worry, I'm simply tired; just like everyone else.”

"But--"

"I need to go, it's my turn to--" He stopped short as his thoughts screeched to a halt, every word he'd ever known evaporating into thin air; as though they'd never existed in the first place. He stood there, staring at the young woman before him, his mouth working soundlessly as he fought to remember how to speak; and all the while, his sense of embarrassment and inadequacy grew.

"Siegbert?"

"Forgive me... I ... seem to have forgotten what I was going to say. I... need to go." He said, his voice tight as he struggled to find words. With his face burning in shame and his mind still reeling, he turned to leave. Before he could walk away, Caeldori's hand shot out and grabbed his wrist. "Wha--?"

"The storage tent is this way, Siegbert. You're heading towards the mess tent... you have to do inventory?" She asked, confusion and worry etched into her features. He cleared his throat, once again aware that he was not feeling like himself; but at least he finally remembered what he'd meant to say and what he had to do. "Let me help you. You're distracted today, it might be best if I--" Siegbert glowered as his temper flared, his patience suddenly gone. He pulled his arm away, swaying slightly as the move upset his balance.

"I don't need your help, I'm fine. You don't need to prove anything else to me." He snapped, moving quickly past her; leaving her standing there, stunned by his outburst.

"Siegbert?!" He ignored her call and continued walking, too focused on moving forward to look back. He knew he should apologize and accept her offer; she was only being kind, after all, but his pride wouldn't allow it. He would explain it all later.  
***

The numbers in the ledger seemed to blur and jumble together in a confusing matrix. He had the sense that he'd been at this far longer than he normally would be, but even time had since lost its meaning.

He strained his eyes in hopes that he could force himself to focus on the task at hand. It was very important that they take stock of damaged equipment, diminished medical supplies, and the funds needed to replace it all; but more important that it was done accurately. If he didn't do this correctly, then he could cost them money they didn't have to waste. As he stared at the open book before him, it began to look like an impossible task, however.

His head pounded and his vision swam as he leaned over the ledger, and he found he needed to anchor himself to the table with his hands, praying he could keep himself upright for just a little longer.

'Just focus. You're fine. Just make it through the meeting, then you can rest for a bit.' He told himself. He couldn't lie and say he was okay anymore; but he knew he couldn’t burden anyone either.

Everyone was tired and sore. No one in the army was having an easy time of it and after their last skirmish, they had many wounded soldiers. His ailment would likely pass after a night's rest, so it would be rude of him to trouble a healer.

'I'll be fine.' He took a deep breath and counted slowly, allowing his lungs to expand as the seconds ticked by; his eyes shut. It felt nice to rest them, they hurt just as much as the rest of him; complete with an irritating, grainy feeling. Closing them seemed to relieve it, though admittedly, he felt as though he would fall asleep.

Just as he became relaxed, the canvas was thrown open; heralding someone's arrival. He jerked upright, his eyes shooting open as he turned quickly to greet them. As the world seemed to tilt, a wave of nausea hit him; making him feel light headed and cold.

"It's time for lunch, Sieg. You need to put that down and eat... Caeldori is worried you're getting sick. I'll finish this for you." Shiro said, crossing his arms. His tone was just as light and casual as it ever was, but something in his expression spelled trouble. He almost looked angry.

"I... I can't do that. I won't shirk my duties and lay them at someone else's feet, especially not yours. It's inappropriate and... I... I..." His words trailed off as he looked at his friend, suddenly feeling himself growing flustered. Had he always been so handsome? Shiro seemed unconcerned with his preoccupation and merely scowled at him, making it clear that he was displeased.

"Yeah, well so is snapping at someone who just wants to help you. I don't know what your problem is today, but you need to apologize to her. She was really hurt."

Siegbert averted his gaze, suddenly finding the rickety table quite fascinating. He knew he'd been unnecessarily curt with her, and that it had been wrong to say such things; but he'd been so embarrassed and dizzy that he couldn't bring himself to linger. He couldn't think of anything to say, and Shiro didn’t seem interested in reasons; only a resolution.

"Look, I don't care what's going on, just apologize. You don't get to pretend like you weren't an ass, and I'm not going to let you play the wounded party in this. You’re better than this.” He said, turning to leave. As he reached the exit, he stopped and looked at him once more, his eyes flickering over his face, taking in his haggard appearance. “By the way... you look like shit today." Shiro turned and stalked away, leaving him alone with his scathing words playing over and over in his mind.

Suddenly, he found he lacked the strength to stand; so he allowed himself to sink onto the stool beside him, his fingers pressing into his pained eyes. It seemed that he just couldn't do anything right that day. His stomach churned as he thought of the way Shiro had looked at him just now; the look had said it all. He was disgusted by him. He looked at him and saw someone unworthy of his time. He should have known this would have happened though; all Shiro ever wanted to talk about anymore was her. He shook his head in an attempt to clear his mind. He didn't want to think about that. Every time he did, he felt something sickening and cold in his stomach and a squeezing in his heart. He was too afraid of what it could mean if he pondered it. In an effort to recenter himself, he picked up his pen and looked at the ledger, the meaningless numbers glaring back up at him.

He'd hardly slept during that week. He'd been behind on his studies and training thanks to the constant barrage of Vallite attacks; which meant he'd had to sacrifice rest and meals just to make up time. On top of the increased aggression of their enemy, they also had a rather unpleasant incident involving one of their soldiers and a young woman. His trial would begin soon, and the incident had everyone on edge.

Sighing, he looked around the tent. He was barely halfway through with inventory and it was already time for their midday meal. He still had to finish his report and bathe before the meeting. There was no way he could make it now. He let his head fall forward into his hands and closed his eyes in defeat.

'I'm pathetic.'  
***

"Siegbert!?" Her jolted awake at the authoritative voice that cut through the calm. He sat up straight on the stool and looked around, coming face to face with his father. "What is the meaning of this? Are you ill?"

"N-no, Father; of course not. I simply--"

"Then you have no excuse to be falling asleep when there is work to be done." His father sighed and gestured for him to stand, which he did as quickly as he could. "Go. I will finish this, you need to go to the healer."

"But--"

“No buts. This is unlike you, son… we can’t afford for you to fall sick. Go to the healer. Are we clear?” His father asked, his eyebrows arching inquisitively. Despite the lack of real anger, Siegbert still couldn’t help but feel like a failure. His father was under so much stress already; why couldn’t he just do what was expected of him?

"Y-yes father. I understand." Siegbert said, his voice hardly going above a whisper.

"Good. I'm glad I've made myself clear. A prince can neither be selfish, nor can he let himself fall by the wayside. We walk a fine line, Siegbert. We must care for ourselves.” Siegbert bowed slightly and turned to leave, but before he could make his escape, his father stopped him. “Hold on.” Siegbert froze, dread rising in his gut..

"You mean to tell me that you've been in here for nearly three hours and only managed to get halfway through with this? I..." His father took a break and pinched the bridge of his nose, his posture screaming disappointment. "Go get your mother and tell her I need her help.”

Siegbert rushed from the tent, unwilling to test his luck. His father was a stern, but fair man and he’d never seen him look so disappointed in him before. What would happen? Would he send him away for his failure? Surely not. This was his first real misstep and his father had always been so loving. He could salvage this, he just needed to do better. Surely he'd be forgiven if he just worked harder.

He rushed through the camp quickly as he could manage, checking all the places his mother frequented at this time of day. When he finally found her, she was standing near the war tent, her back to him. His stomach twisted uncomfortably as he approached, nervous because of his failure. She stood there chatting casually with Prince Ryoma, who noticed him first, his expression stern.

Shiro's father intimidated him. He got the sense that the man disliked him, despite hardly knowing each other. Perhaps he thought him weak? It would be within his right. He was weak. Weak and useless, especially when compared to both his own father and Hoshido’s eldest prince. Taking a deep breath, he addressed his mother formally, ready to simply be done with it.

"Excuse me, Mother?" His voice was small, even more so than usual. His mother turned to look at him, her smile faltering when they made eye contact.

"Sweetie, what's wrong? You look as though someone's died! And gods, you look exhausted... have you not been sleeping?" Siegbert squirmed under their gazes, his already frayed nerves screaming in misery.

"O-of course, Mother. Father simply needs your help in the storage tent." He said, trying his best to sound confident. His mother tilted her head, her crimson eyes confused.

"I... see. Very well then. Excuse me, Ryoma." The prince nodded, his eyes lingering questioningly on Siegbert before he turned away. Siegbert gave him a tiny smile, hoping he’d at least stop looking at him so blankly, as though he saw nothing at all. He received a curt nod, but nothing else. Siegbert let his mother pass by him before falling in step behind her, praying she'd not ask any more questions, though he knew it was a futile hope.

"I thought it was your turn to do inventory, Siegbert. Why does your father need help?" She asked, her voice gentle. He couldn't tell this loving, wonderful woman that her eldest son was a failure. It would break her heart.

"I... he'll tell you, Mother. I have to prepare for the meeting. Excuse me." He stammered as he hurried away, all too aware that he'd just disrespected his mother mightily, but he couldn't bear to see the look of disappointment on her face. He'd barely weathered his father's shame; his mother's would undo him. Laughter in the direction of the corrals reminded him of another problem. He needed to tell Kana he'd not have time to spend with him that day.

He'd promised both his parents and his little brother that he'd try to spend more time with him, and yet; whenever the opportunity presented itself, something else always came up. He'd been promising that he'd teach him the lance all week, and now that the time had come, he had to look the dear boy in the eye and tell him he couldn't.

As he approached, he watched as Kana and his friends played; pure joy in their laughter. Sophie stood nearby, watching them with a smile on her face. He nodded to her, only to see her frown and look away. It seemed his blunder with Caeldori earlier that day had angered more than just Shiro. He sighed and waited for his little brother to notice him, trying to think of a way to put it gently. There was no cause to be harsh about it.

Kana looked up and rushed towards him, beaming. His eyes shone brightly with anticipation of spending time with him. His brother really was a cute child, and so pure. He didn't deserve anything he'd been through recently. He deserved a childhood of peace and happiness. Life was so cruel sometimes.

"Big Brother! Is it time for us to train? I'm really excited to spend time with you! We’ve got so much time to make up!" Kana chirped, tugging his arm excitedly. Siegbert took a deep breath and rested his hand on the boy's shoulder, guilt pooling in his gut as he began to speak.

"Kana, I'm sorry but we may not have time today. We'll try after supper, okay?" His brother looked crestfallen, but nodded anyway, a halfhearted smile spreading over his young face.  
  
"That's okay, Brother; I know you're busy. Thanks anyway." Kana said, turning away from him. Siegbert's heart dropped as he made his way back towards his friends and Sophie went to comfort him. She shot him a withering stare and squeezed Kana’s shoulder, speaking loudly enough that Siegbert could hear.

“Don’t worry, Kana. I can teach you, you don’t have to wait for Siegbert to find time for you.” She said, her tone jovial despite the pointed words. Siegbert shook his head and turned to leave, knowing that he was unwelcome. He was too tired to argue or feel angry; besides, what would be the point? She wasn’t wrong about him.

'I'm a horrible big brother.'  
***

His hands shook as he handed his father his report. His unit had suffered heavy casualties during the last battle, and many of the people under his command had been wounded, and some even killed. Their left flank hand been hit hard and he’d had trouble regaining control of the phalanxes once they’d panicked.

In his report, he mentioned where he felt they could improve as a whole, as well as where his command could improve, citing incidents and gathering quotes from those who served under him. The bulk of his report was eloquent and well written, but the conclusion was a hastily scribbled mess of shorthand and misspelled words.

The crumpling of his father's brow told him he'd disappointed him again, and he was likely to get a lecture, if not all out removal from the army. At this point, he'd not be surprised if they used his unit's heavy losses as reason enough to dismiss him, sending him back to his deeprealm to live out his days, granted it would hardly be any time at all to them. He looked to his mother in hopes of reassurance, but only found befuddlement and a disapproving frown. Across the tent, his friends refused to look at him; and suddenly, he was alone. He was too tired now to react to the panic that built within him, but perhaps that was best. He didn't need to seem weak here.

His father handed him report with a nod, gesturing for him to take his spot. When he went to sit, his father shook his head, pointing to the back of the tent. He was to stand for the duration it seemed, in the rear of the tent beside the exit. His father was so ashamed of him that he wanted everyone to know that he was unwelcome, it seemed. Seeing him standing there caused people to look at him curiously and whisper to one another. He wanted nothing more than to melt into the floor.  
***

The meeting seemed to drag on forever. His father spoke of their performance, pointing out the deficiencies of the left flank's defense before moving on to talk about the rear guard's exceptional performance. Siegbert found himself fading, despite having to stand. His mood had gone so far south now that he no longer cared if people were looking at him or if his father censured him. He only wanted to leave.

When it was his uncle’s turn, he pointed out where the tactics broke down, where communication failed, but also where things had gone well. He advised them all on how they could fix these things in the future, and how they could avoid further losses.It was the same old song and dance as ever. Siegbert couldn't focus on it, though. He was too busy listening to the uneven tattoo of his heartbeat. It had never sounded like that before. It was weak and fast, like a dying bird. His head spun and he went cold as he drew a shuddering breath. It hurt. He felt cold and sweaty, trembling there in the warm tent.

"Siegbert, are you alright?" Prince Takumi's voice was far away as though he was hearing it under water. He couldn't find it in himself to answer, so he simply stood there; trying his hardest to focus. It dawned on him that he was interrupting the meeting and should excuse himself, but his shaking legs wouldn't move. He took another labored breath and shifted towards the flap, ready to attempt his escape.

As Siegbert took a step, his knees wobbled and his legs gave out, his mind going blank as his body crumpled under it's own weight. Before he hit the ground, his head struck something hard; sending tendrils of pain searing across his face and head as the air was knocked from his lungs. Around him, he could hear the commotion his fall had caused, but his eyes remained all but glued shut.

He could hear his mother’s panicked voice; her attempts to get to him halted by his father, who spoke to her in a gentle tone, telling her to wait for the healers to take a look. He jerked instinctively as gentle fingers brushed his hair aside and a soft, cool palm pressed to his forehead. The smell of jasmine and clean linen told him it was Sakura.

"He's burning up. We need to get him to bed. Elise, do you think you can help me? We need to get this fever down." Sakura's normally timid voice was stern, the hands cradling his aching head steady.

"We've let him push himself too hard. Look at him, he could barely stand and we were just going to watch?" His aunt Camilla's voice was soft, but there was a hint of anger to it. She was upset with herself and everyone else. He wanted to tell her it was no one's fault but his, but he lacked the strength. "Xander, get your son off the ground now! He needs to get out of that armor and into bed." She snapped, her kindly tone suddenly gone. It was jarring, and it seemed everyone in the tent felt much the same. Camilla was known for being able to speak with the same gentle voice, even in battle.

Strong arms lifted him easily from the ground despite his size, cradling him against an oiled steel cuirass. He could recognize his father’s scent, even if it had been years. It had always been something he’d found calming. His mother’s voice was soft, so soft that he couldn’t make out what she was saying, but he knew she was nearby.

Siegbert nuzzled against his father’s cravat as they began to move, the swaying of his father’s gait sending him closer and closer to sleep. A soft kiss to his brow and a whispered apology were the last thing he remembered before exhaustion finally claimed him.


	2. Malaise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siegbert has to face the full consequences of disregarding his health, and Shiro is there to keep him company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have way too much fun writing angst. Siegbert is a perfect victim.

Siegbert woke warm and secure between two very familiar bodies. He smiled shyly as his mother snuggled against his back, her arms tight around his waist, her knees tucked neatly just behind his. His cheek pressed against the smooth fabric of his father's cotton night shirt, the smell of musk and oiled steel rising from its threads.

It had been a long time since he'd shared a bed with his parents. He'd aged more quickly than they could keep up with, and it took no time at all for him to become far too old for such things. Carefully, so as not to be discovered, he huddled closer to his father, grateful for the chance to bask in the warmth he felt at the moment. 

It was odd to lay with them like he had as a boy. It felt nothing as it had when back then; he was too tall and broad now. He could no longer fit comfortably between them. He felt crowded and far too warm, but he didn't want to move.

His father stirred slightly, his arms tightening around his middle, his breathing changing into something more closely resembling wakefulness. Siegbert went still, hoping that he wouldn't notice he was awake, but to no avail; his father wasn't so easily fooled.

"Siegbert? Are you awake?" His father murmured, his voice gentle.

"...Yes, Father."

"How do you feel?" He asked, the back of his hand pressing to his forehead. "It feels as though you may still have a fever."

Siegbert's first instinct was to deny that he'd ever felt ill in the first place, but he knew it was far too late for that.

"I... still feel rather tired...and my body hurts." He admitted. He wanted to pretend otherwise, but it would do neither him, nor his father any good. He'd already caused him trouble enough; and besides, they'd all be watching him now.

"I'm not surprised. No doubt you still feel a bit weak. You exhausted yourself and scared the devil out of all of us." His father lectured, his hand rubbing soothing circles on his back.

"I'm sorry Father; I'll try to be more mindful of my limits from here on." 

"Well, I'm glad to hear it; but you aren't getting out of light duty. You're not to do anything strenuous until we can be sure you've fully recovered." Siegbert fell silent as the gravity of his father's words washed over him.

If he couldn't do anything strenuous, that barred him from both battle and training; which meant he was practically useless, a mere strain on their already limited resources. If he couldn't fight, then he had no reason to be there. Was he being pushed out? Had they decided he was more trouble than he was worth? Did they feel his cost outweighed his benefits? No... surely if he pushed himself harder they'd see he could be useful, even if only as a shield for those more worthy.

"You're overthinking this, son." His father soothed, gently pressing his thumb between his brows as a way to tell him to relax his face. "You and I both make the same face when we worry, I don't even have to see it. You aren't being punished, dear one." Siegbert nodded silently, wanting desperately to believe those words.

'Father would never lie to me, and yet... why am I still afraid?' As though sensing his son's trepidation, Xander held him tighter, large hands continuing to stroke his back.

"Siegbert, please trust me. No one thinks any less of you for this; we only want you to be at your best."

"Yes Father. Thank you." Xander chuckled fondly before pressing a soft kiss to his brow, ruffling his hair affectionately.

"I love you so very much, my son. You grew up too quickly; you don't deserve any of this. I hope you can forgive us for putting you and Kana through it."

His father's words took him aback. He had no reason to apologize; he and his mother were only ever trying to protect them. His father was a wise and honorable man, more so than he could ever hope to be. He couldn't let him take the blame for his weakness.

"Father, there's nothing to forgive! I know you only thought of my safety; and I was a sickly, burdensome child. I would never blame you for my weakness... it lies within me alone."

"Siegbert... you underestimate yourself and give me far too much credit. I should have been a better father. Your mother and I were absent from your life far too much; even more so when your brother was born. We could have done much better." Siegbert shook his head, confusion running laps in his mind.

"But Father, I--"

"No, Siegbert. We both know that we were negligent. Your lack of resentment is a testament to how lucky we are. You are a blessing, we just want you to be kinder to yourself." Siegbert fell silent and curled against his father's chest once more.

They told him that all the time. His family, his friends, even his subordinates often made note of how hard he was on himself; but he found it stranger that they felt the need to mention it. Why shouldn't he hold himself accountable? If he didn't hold himself to the lofty standard his father set, then how could he ever be worthy as his successor?

"You should listen to your papa, sweetie. He'd never lie to about something like this." His mother's voice was groggy, as though she'd only just woken.

"Mother! I'm so sorry, did we wake you?" Siegbert asked, feeling guilty. His mother worked tirelessly and needed her rest; after all, many of their most important decisions fell to her.

"Hm. Your voices are deep and carry even when you whisper. It isn't something you can help." She murmured, curling herself around him, her hand combing through his tangled hair. "You're such a darling boy, Siegbert. I wish you'd believe us when we say that."

"Mother..."

"Don't argue with me! You're my sweet baby boy, no matter how old you get. That's why seeing you like this scares me so much. I love you with all I have, and knowing you see yourself so poorly makes me feel as though I failed you as a mother."

Siegbert's heart ached at her words. How could they feel they have failed him, of all people? They did the best they could with what they had, and they were always so very busy. They could have left him all alone for all those years, and never come to see him. Instead, they managed to steal away time to come to him; even when that time was better used elsewhere. How could he resent them, knowing that? 

Certainly, he'd have loved them to be with him more than they had been, and Kana's birth had take more of their time from him; but it was simply the way it had to be. He was not so selfish as to believe that he was more important than their survival or his little brother’s health and development.

"Mother... Father, you've failed no one. I couldn't be prouder of either of you; and I love you both so much!"

"We know, Dearest. It isn't anything you've said or done. We just feel you'd have been happier and healthier if we'd been there for you. Things were hard for you, and now we see the damage it did. You needed us and we couldn't be there. I'm so sorry." With some difficulty, he turned to face her; pulling her into a careful embrace as she began to sniffle. 

He didn't have anything to offer her in the way of comfort save himself, and he wasn't sure how much it was worth; but he knew he couldn't let either of them feel as though they'd failed him.

His mother wasted no time in curling against him, her hands busying themselves in his hair, gently undoing the knots caused by sweat and thrashing in feverish sleep. His eyelids drooped as she rubbed around the sockets of his horns, a soft purr rising in his throat as she massaged them with more conviction. His father continued to stroke and scratch his back, like he used to when he was little. He yawned and nuzzled into his mother's neck, cooing contentedly. 

It had been so long since he'd been the subject of so much affection that he'd almost forgotten how it felt. Nothing could be better than being cuddled in between two of his favorite people, their hands busy spoiling him with attention. He could hear that his purring had grown loud, but he was no longer in a position to care. His eyes were too heavy to open; and as the buzzing thoughts in his mind quieted, he yawned, stretched and drifted off to sleep once more; feeling more loved than he had any right to.  
***

The birds chirping outside caused him to stir, but it was the brightness of the day that made him jolt awake. He'd slept well enough, though he could still feel that he was drained and weak. He smelled strongly of dried sweat, and he wrinkled his nose at the feeling of it. He needed to get up and take a bath, but his limbs were still heavy and his stomach roiled with nausea. He sniffled grimaced as he felt thick mucus run down his throat.

'Perhaps I truly am ill... I don't know that I can move." He thought, trying to raise himself up. Would someone come check in on him? If so, would they be willing to help him get up? Would they be willing to spend time with him, even if only for a short time? He knew they all had work to do, and no one could be expected to give him much thought, but if they could just come see him long enough to break the lonely silence, it was all he would ask.

His mind turned to Shiro and almost immediately, warmth spread throughout his body. He wanted to see him and apologize for his bad behavior; to promise he'd be better from now on. Anxiety spiked through him as he thought of the way they'd ended things the day before. Would he forgive him? Would Caeldori and the others? Had he ruined everything?

His breath caught in his throat as Shiro's parting words bounced around in his mind. What could he do to fix it? He needed to see Shiro smile at him again, and he couldn't be seen like this; he needed to look his best... he never wanted to hear that Shiro found him unattractive.

'Why does that matter?' He wondered, managing to roll onto his side. 'Why should I care? What does it matter how he sees me?' It shouldn't. As long as he still wanted to be his friend, it shouldn't matter how he looked. 'He's my friend, he doesn't care about that.'

But apparently he did. Didn't he tell him he "looked like shit?" Surely that meant it mattered? How did he look any other time? Did Shiro like the way he looked?

Siegbert shook his head, desperate to dislodge that thought. It didn't matter, it never would. No one would ever look at him and find him attractive, not when there were so many others to admire. He was nothing next to is father, his uncle; anyone. Why would someone like Shiro see anything in him?

Shiro was so very handsome. He took after his father in almost every way; the only obvious traits he'd gained from Lady Kagero were his dark hair, small, full mouth and the straight bridge of his nose. It all came together beautifully.

He himself had seemingly inherited a mishmash of his parents' traits, all of which looked awkward together. His mother's more delicate features and pointed ears were at odds with his father's sharp cheekbones and jaw. His father's straight, thin brows looked odd with his softer, rounder eyes; and his mother's more slender build paired with his father's height made him gangling; he could go on all day and continue to find things he hated.

On top of being awkward, he was also plain. He'd inherited nothing striking from either of them. His eyes were a muddy rust color rather than his mother's stunning crimson or his father's bright amber, his complexion was so pale it seemed to melt into his white hair; his features became lost in the overwhelming paleness. It was a small blessing that his brows managed to be dark enough that they didn't get lost as well, otherwise it would be as though he was a blank canvas. He was boring to look at, and not much more interesting to speak with. It was no wonder no one mentioned his appearance unless he looked bad, or his personality unless he was acting out. They'd barely notice otherwise. Perhaps he needed to change that? But how? New clothes, perhaps?

He scoffed, shaking his head. They were at war, in danger every moment they drew breath; and here he was lying about uselessly, thinking about his appearance and feeling sorry for himself. How utterly selfish could he be? They had better things to worry about, whether or not someone could look at him and say whether they found him attractive was hardly life or death.

With that thought, he grit his teeth and forced himself to sit up in spite of his body's wishes. He needed a bath, and there was sure to be something that needed to be done; even if they demanded he perform only light tasks.

Struggling to his feet, he managed to stumble out of his parents' tent and down the row towards his so that he may find a fresh change of clothes. Handsome or no, he was still has father's heir. He couldn't smell like some overworked mule, he was embarrassment enough already.

"What do you think you're doing up?" Shiro drawled. Siegbert halted just outside his tent and turned to face him, excitement and nervousness tying his stomach into knots. Shiro stood there, arms crossed over his broad chest; face set in a serious frown. Siegbert felt his heart drop as he gave a once over, his lips pursing disapprovingly.

"I... I w-was going to wash up." He stammered weakly, nerves buzzing as Shiro came closer. He smelled of fresh jasmine tea and wood smoke, his still damp hair laying flat. It almost felt like a special occasion, as usually it was a bit of a mess.

"Well, that's fine; but you can't be up moving too much. If anyone caught you out of bed, they'd have my hide. Our aunts have put you on bed rest. Go lie down in your tent and wait for a bit, I'll find you a washtub."

Siegbert was left standing there alone, feeling stupid. They all thought him helpless now. One day of illness, and suddenly he was a weakling fit for nothing save wasting space. With nothing else to do save what he was told, Siegbert shrugged and entered his tent. It would be a long, boring day spent in bed, it seemed.  
***

Siegbert sighed and shifted irritably under the blankets Shiro had piled on top of him. Shiro sat nearby, focused more on the head of his naginata as he honed its edge than anything. He'd not spoken to him since he'd made him a pallet on the ground, telling him the cot would be too uncomfortable. He had to admit he was right, loath as he was to admit it at the moment. 

He wanted to break the silence, to apologize, scream, anything but lay bundled up like a swaddled babe. What would he even say, though? It was Caeldori he had hurt, not Shiro directly. He had only been angry because of his interest in her. Should he still apologize to him? Shiro sighed and looked up, locking gazes with him before putting his weapon aside. He leaned forward, resting his forearms on his knees.

"How are you feeling today?" He asked, his voice soft. Siegbert sank down into the blankets marginally, shivering despite their warmth.

"Better after my bath, albeit not by much. I still feel quite poor." He admitted, averting his gaze; sniffling once more. He didn't like telling people that, but Shiro was no idiot. He could tell by looking that he wasn't himself, if the occasional cough or sneeze somehow didn’t give it away.

"Yeah, I figured. Damn but that scared me, I thought you'd been poisoned or something." Shiro grunted, rubbing at the back of his neck awkwardly. "Sorry about being such an ass yesterday. I knew you weren't feeling good, but I was frustrated with you." Siegbert met Shiro's eyes, mouth open slightly in surprise. 

"Oh, no... you don't need to apologize, Shiro. You didn't do anything wro--"

"Will you cut that out? I did do something wrong, I got mad at you for being fussy because you were sick, and then I let you keep on killing yourself instead of doing what I should have." Siegbert snorted and rolled his eyes, clutching his pillow more tightly.

"And what was that? You aren't my minder, Shiro."

"Sling you over my shoulder and haul you off to the healer, maybe? I don't know, anything but let it get to the point that you collapsed." Siegbert sighed, his cheeks flushing slightly. It was good to know that Shiro still cared about him, he at least hadn't ruined their friendship with his pride. 

A more comfortable silence stretched over them as Shiro stood and kicked off his boots and shrugged out of his yukata, leaving him in only his thin white juban and pants. Siegbert watched curiously as he picked up a book lying on his rickety folding table, glancing at it briefly before tucking it under his arm and striding towards him. Siegbert tensed as a shiver shot through him, causing his teeth to clack together obnoxiously.

"Are you cold? You've been trembling this whole time." He asked, stooping to get a better look at the young man buried in the mound of blankets.

"A bit. I'm sure it's nothing to wor-- What are you doing?!" Siegbert exclaimed, gaping as Shiro lifted the blanket and slid beneath it.

"Laying down with you. You're cold, I'm warm; what's the problem?"

"W-well, nothing really; I just..." His friend rolled his eyes and pulled him close; his strong arm draped across his waist in an almost intimate way.

"Then hush and just let me help you. I swear you think too much about every little thing. If it's embarrassing, just remember it's only the two of us here. No one will see you like this." 

Siegbert sighed and allowed himself to be adjusted so that his head rested comfortably in the crook of Shiro's neck, the scent of his skin oddly comforting as his warmth seeped into him. His eyelids drooped and his head spun slightly as he continued to breathe, the heady smell and the feeling of Shiro's powerful body pressed firmly against him a lifeline that kept him grounded in reality just enough to hold onto consciousness.

"You really need to take better care of yourself, Sieg. You can't fight when you're too exhausted to stand." He lectured, his warm breath trailing over Siegbert's cheek with every word.

"I'm sorry... I know I worried everyone, but I assure you I am feeling better." He said, hoping to at least ease his friend's concern. A sudden bout of coughing broke the illusion immediately, and Shiro shook his head in bemusement. 

"Maybe, but you're still a little weak and tired, yeah? You're trying to do too much at once, and even you have limits. It's okay to ask for help, no one expects you to be perfect all the time."

"But--"

"Quit arguing. It's just us. You might be able to fool everyone else, but I know you better. You're just one man at the end of the day; and last time I checked, your dragon blood didn't let you multiply yourself." Shiro quipped, cracking the book open. "Let me help you from now on, even if you push everyone else away."

Silence fell over them briefly, as Shiro adjusted them so that he could hold the book up, clearing his throat softly before turning to the last page Siegbert marked. Siegbert watched a moment, still reflecting on Shiro's offer before finally growing curious. 

"What are you doing? Wouldn't you rather read from the beginning?" He asked. Shiro chuckled and glanced at him from the corner of his eye, a soft smile playing on his lips.

"Well, I thought you might like to read; but I'd rather you try to go back to sleep, so if you'd like, I could read to you." Siegbert was taken aback by the offer. He'd never anticipated Shiro would be much for reading aloud, particularly not a historical novel. He couldn't deny that the idea was tempting, though. It would be nice to close his eyes and listen to a story unfold.

"...I'd like that." Shiro needed no further prompting. He asked where Siegbert left off and immediately began to read, his deep voice finding a pleasant cadence with practiced ease. Did he read aloud to himself? Perhaps it was something he'd done in childhood. Regardless of how he did it, he was engaging to listen to. He could somehow manage to give each character their own voice without sounding ridiculous. He'd be good at reading bedtime stories to children.

Siegbert nestled closer as his friend's voice pitched and dropped with each phrase, becoming a lullaby almost like the gentle rolling of the tide. Siegbert smiled and sighed as sleep began to claim him, finally completely relaxed against the powerful shoulder beneath his head, truly at ease with all that had come to pass within the last few hours.

"Shiro... thank you." He mumbled, nuzzling against his friend's jaw. Shiro chuckled and closed the book, setting it aside with a soft 'thump.' He seemed to know Siegbert was barely clinging to the edge of wakefulness and that reading further would be fruitless. 

"Don't mention it, Sieg. I'm here for you any time. Try to get some sleep for now."  
***

Siegbert woke with a happy sigh, his eyes opening easily for the first time since he'd fallen ill. His neck still ached and his body still protested whenever he would move, but he at least felt rested. He groaned as he stretched his arms overhead, his elbows and back popping pleasantly.

Looking around, he found that Shiro had left him alone; but he couldn't blame him. He couldn't expect someone to stay there and watch him sleep. How boring would that be? Smiling, he managed to push himself upright and look around the room. Shiro had left the canvas door pulled open just a bit to let some light in, and from his place on the ground he could see the sky. It was not quite evening yet, but the sky was beginning to take on an orange hue. He'd slept for quite a while, and even now felt like he needed a bit more.

First though, he needed to stretch his legs. He could at least do that much, surely. He'd not be going far, only outside to get some fresh air. His legs wobbled slightly, either not fully awake or perhaps still too fatigued to carry him fully; but he managed to stay upright. 

As he took his first step towards the exit, something bright yellow and fragrant caught his attention. He looked at the table, surprised to see one of their plain steel tankards full of bright daffodils sitting in the center of it. Intrigued, Siegbert made his way over to the table, picking up the note that was wedged beneath it. Shiro's simple penmanship glared back at him.

'Sieg,   
I saw these while I was doing some training in the meadow and thought you deserved something that would lift your mood. I know you're probably feeling a little bummed because of what's happened, so I think you deserve something to bring you a little cheer. I wish I could do more. Don't worry if you're alone when you wake up, I'll be back soon. I just went to wash up.  
-Shiro'

Siegbert couldn't stop the fluttering in his heart, even if he tried. Shiro's thoughtfulness seemed to be overflowing that day, and it was all for him. He looked back at the flowers, his cheeks heating marginally. Shiro probably had no idea that a daffodil could be seen as a plea for love when given to another, so he couldn't very well assign it any meaning other than what Shiro had said it was. Between them, it was a kind gesture, a gift between friends. He huffed a little laugh, shaking his head in wonder. 

What had gotten into him lately? Why would such a simple thing make his heart pound? This meant nothing to Shiro, it was only a kindness; he would do it for any friend. It wasn't as though he'd received an expertly arranged bouquet of red roses or tulips. This wasn't a declaration of anything but a friend's care. There was no secret meaning here. 

Suddenly feeling anxious, he found himself pacing back and forth, his eyes landing on the flowers every time he passed by. He felt oddly giddy when he caught sight of the note, thinking of Shiro carefully leaning on his wobbly table to write it, tucking it purposefully under the tankard so that the note didn't blow away. He'd spent time on him, time that he didn't have to; that he could never get back. He'd laid beside him to keep him warm, he'd read to him to lull him to sleep, and now he'd thought of him when he saw flowers in a meadow. Secret or not, this had to mean something. No one would waste their time in such a way.

His pacing halted for a moment as he leaned down to sniff the flowers. Daffodils didn't smell terribly strong, which was for the best in his current state. He feared anything strongly scented would give him a headache. He frowned as straightened, a less pleasant thought crossing his mind. Shiro had only thought of him because he was in such pathetic shape, because he'd wasted so much time on him already. Any other time, Shiro would never think to pick him flowers. He wasn't her.

With a final longing look at the note, Siegbert managed to push himself away from the table. Whatever this hope stirring in his chest meant, he needed to hide it away and forget it. It would only serve to hurt them all later, and he cared far too much for the two of them for that to happen. 

'I need to clear my head. I've been sleeping too much, it's made me imagine things.' He thought, stepping out into the fresh air. It was perhaps not the best idea to go outside without a jacket, but he couldn't bear to look at the flowers anymore. They conjured feelings he didn't want to acknowledge. 'Flowers die, this will as well. It means nothing.' He breathed in the crisp air, hoping the sting of it filling his lungs would break whatever spell he'd been under. It was truly ridiculous. 

"Sieg? What are you doing up? I thought I told you to stay in bed." Shiro chided, rushing towards him. "Gods are you nuts? It's cold out, get back in there!" 

"Sorry... I just needed some fresh air." Siegbert murmured, allowing Shiro to usher him back into his tent, immediately covering him in a blanket.

"I know, I'm sure you're getting bored; but you're still sick. You need to stay warm." 

"I'm not sick, I'm just fatigued." Siegbert argued, his words punctuated by hoarse coughing. Shiro snorted and all but tossed him back onto his pallet, swaddling him in the blankets once more.

"Sorry, Sieg; but until a healer tells me otherwise, you're just gonna have to behave. I'll see about letting you go on a walk later, okay?" Siegbert couldn't deny him when he looked at him with such pleading eyes.

"... Gods, fine. I'll laze about uselessly until then. Are you happy?" He rasped. His voice was becoming as fatigued as the rest of him, it seemed.

"Thrilled. So, how'd you like your flowers?" Shiro asked abruptly, nodding at the blooms on the table. Looking at them reminded Siegbert immediately of what he was trying so hard to forget, and he averted his gaze immediately as his cheeks turned a soft pink.

"Oh... I appreciate the gesture. I hadn't realized we had daffodils near our camp. Usually Kana would have brought them to mother by now." Siegbert said, allowing himself to admire the bright yellow flowers on his table. "Thank you for that, it really did make me smile." Shiro cleared his throat and looked away, his cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment. Siegbert couldn't help but think it cute.

"D-don't mention it, Sieg. I know how much it stinks to be sick and not get to do anything. Anyway... it's almost time for supper. You stay here and relax, I'll go fetch us something. Maybe some tea for your poor voice."  
***

The stew had been thick and hearty that night, served to him over a thick bed of mashed potatoes and a side of corn. He felt warm all the way down to his toes, and sleepy as Shiro read aloud to him again. If it weren't for the hazy feeling of fatigue and the soreness in his throat, he'd almost think he was dreaming. His friends and family had been by to see him, all asking him about how he was feeling, or if there were anything they could do for him. It was strange to be the center of attention, but he liked it. 

He sat there beside Shiro, propped up against pillows and Shiro's side as he sipped the tea his mother had brought, nibbling absently on a shortbread biscuit. He had to admit that he was happy, at least for now.

"I wonder what our dads want to talk to us about. It seems weird that they'd wait so late at night to come to us, I mean; you've got to still be tired. You're basically falling asleep right there." Siegbert shrugged, sipping his tea. Their fathers probably had a reason. 

"I'm sure it's nothing to fret over. They'd have told us then if it were something bad." Siegbert slurred, sinking further into the fur lined blanket Shiro had brought him.

"Yeah, I'm sure you're right. I'm just curious is all. They seemed... happy about something."

"Maybe they want to tell us they're having an affair. They want our blessing to sneak away to elope." Siebert joked, grinning cheekily at his friend who wretched and shook his head.

"Gross. Don't say that too loud; Nina might take it and run with it."

"Please, she's probably already written one of her erotic novellas about us. We're spending an awful lot of time in close proximity. You can't count her out." Shiro groaned and covered his face, laughing helplessly at the thought. "From what I understand from Soleil, it wouldn't be the first one."

"Well, I could do worse; I guess." Shiro teased, nudging him gently with his elbow. "At least you don't snore."

"No, but you do. It's awful." His friend shrugged, grinning playfully at him. "But we can't be perfect, I suppose."

"Siegbert? Shiro? May we come in?" Shiro looked ready to say something inappropriate so Siegbert spoke quickly to stop him. He enjoyed their playful banter, but he preferred it stayed with them alone. 

"Certainly Father! Please come in." Siegbert winced at the coarseness of his voice. He sounded like an old man dying of consumption.

His father entered first with Prince Ryoma right behind him. They both took a brief look around before letting their eyes land on the two young men piled on the ground like a pair of children. Xander smiled softly, looking amused as he knelt to speak with them face to face; Ryoma hesitated only a moment before doing the same.

"As you both know, we'll be leaving to sit through the upcoming trial in two days' time." Xander began, looking at them both to ensure they were listening. 

"Yeah, I figured you'd probably want to give us this speech, don't worry; we'll keep an eye on things while you're gone. We'll help Corrin with anything she needs." Shiro said, nodding seriously.

"We appreciate the sentiment, Shiro; but let us finish." Ryoma said, smiling fondly at his son. "We don't want you to stay here and keep an eye on things, we want you to come with us."

"...May I ask why?" Siegbert rasped, taken aback. His father smiled and nodded, finally taking a seat fully on the ground rather than squat.

"We feel that you two need to see the more bureaucratic side of your responsibilities, and if we're being candid here, we'd both like to spend time with our sons without a war breathing down our necks." He said, brushing an errant curl away from his face. "You two work hard, you deserve a little break while we have the chance."

Siegbert looked between the two men, trying to discern their true feelings on the matter, but both looked so incredibly pleased with the idea that he couldn't help but feel that was all there was. They wanted to spend time with them and give them happy memories, despite the harsh times. He looked at Shiro, who seemed similarly surprised. 

"When would we be leaving?" Shiro asked, leaning towards Xander cautiously; as though the man would bite him.

"Two days' time. We'll be arriving in Velance the next morning, so make sure you both get plenty of rest." Ryoma said, looking at Siegbert seriously. "You in particular. You're likely to still be a bit under the weather when we leave and such a trip will take its toll on you." He stated, mild concern painting his features. 

"Ryoma's right, of course. It will be a difficult trip, so Siegbert, I want you to use this venture as a means to regain your strength. Think of it as a vacation of sorts." 

"...Yes Father." He said, his tone slightly sullen. He didn't want to seem ungrateful, but he was truly beginning to doubt that they didn't want him gone. Why treat him like he was made of glass, otherwise?

"Now, now. It's only until we get back. Once we return, it'll be back to the front lines with us all. Take this time to rest, son. It's a gift, not punishment." Siegbert smiled and nodded, if only to appease them. Several days of doing nothing didn't sound like much of a gift to him.

"Well, we'll let you two get back to your little slumber party. Try not to stay up too late." Ryoma teased, hauling himself to his feet. Xander followed, adjusting his clothes before bending to ruffle Siegbert's hair.

"Goodnight you two. Sleep well."

Shiro sighed and relaxed once more, glancing at Siegbert from the corner of his eye. Siegbert turned to meet his gaze wearing a troubled frown.

"Well, this ought to be interesting, huh?" Shiro said, rubbing the back of his neck. "Think they'll actually be any fun?" Siegbert shrugged and took sipped his tea, grimacing as he realized it had gone cold.

"It's hard to say. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see."


	3. Musing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siegbert hits rock bottom and is left to overthink his situation while Shiro finds himself wondering what's gotten into him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, the last chapter to get through before stuff really gets rolling!
> 
> There may still be some imperfections and things I'm not entirely happy with, but this chapter gave me trouble and eventually you just have to stop touching it and let it go. I've reached that point. 
> 
> BTW, thank you Adi for beta reading. You're a good sport.

Shiro woke with a start as a panicked sound cut through the silence. Moments later, Siegbert whined and thrashed, his elbow flying towards his face.

"Whoa! Easy there, you almost broke my nose!" Shiro yelped, jerking away. When Siegbert continued to thrash, he sat up, frowning in the darkness. Siegbert made a strange, strangled sob, curling himself into a ball. Now that he was awake and he could focus, it was clear to him that he was having a bad dream. 

Huffing a soft laugh, Shiro reached out and gently shook him. When he didn't respond, Shiro tried to shake him again; more forcefully this time.

"Sieg wake up! It's just a bad dream." He said, squeezing his shoulder. 

Siegbert swatted his hands away, his distressed cries and groans growing louder; his tossing and growing more wild.

"N-no! Please!" He whimpered, reaching out as if to grab something, his hand closing desperately in the air. "I'll do better, please!" He pleaded, a tiny sob choking his voice. 

Shiro felt as though a weight had been placed upon his chest, squeezing his heart. He took a shuddering breath and reached for Siegbert again.

"Hey, hey! It's okay, nothing bad is gonna happen. C'mon Sieg; wake up, please?" Shiro said, shaking him once more. Siegbert reacted wildly, thrashing as though he were fighting off an attacker.

"NO! Please! I can't go back there! I'll do anything!" Siegbert wailed, grabbing him by the wrists. Shiro couldn’t be positive, but he could only imagine that his friend was talking about his deeprealm.

Why would he think he'd ever be sent back there? As far as he was concerned, Siegbert had more than proven himself. He was a skilled, capable leader and stayed cool under pressure. Even in their last battle when things had turned south for them and his men panicked, Siegbert had managed to keep it from falling apart entirely. Xander had been proud of him. Sure, it hadn’t gone perfect or anywhere near smoothly; but if he’d panicked as well, their entire flank would have been obliterated and casualties would have been a lot higher. He treated it like a failure; but in truth, it had gone surprisingly well.

He pondered Siegbert's fretful muttering and his seemingly nonsensical begging, carefully reaching out to touch his hair. He'd seen Corrin do this to Kana on a few occasions, when the dragonling grew fussy or upset. It always seemed to calm the boy, so surely it would work on the elder brother too. 

He was careful at first, unsure of what he was doing. He didn't want to press too hard or wake him. Siegbert needed his rest and in his experience, sickness always got worse before it got better. He doubted that Siegbert had hit his lowest point.

He rubbed absently at the soft, snowy hair; stroking it lightly before ruffling it affectionately. As he rubbed, he noticed a hard lump around where he assumed his horns would protrude. It was barely perceivable to touch, and all but unnoticeable otherwise; but Siegbert calmed considerably as he massaged it, finally ceasing his whimpering and flailing.

"Mm? Shiro...?" Siegbert's voice was small and despite how raspy it had become, it was still as soft as ever. "What are you...?" 

Shiro withdrew his hand immediately, his face alight with embarrassment.

"S-sorry! You were having a nightmare and I couldn't get you to wake up, so I just... thought I'd try to find a way to calm you down. " Siegbert was silent a moment before he curled closer, seemingly taking comfort in his presence. 

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I promise I'm not usually so pathetic." He said, fiddling with the sleeve of Shiro's juban. "I'm okay now, I swear."

"It's no big deal Sieg. We all have bad dreams, that's not pathetic; it's just life." Shiro murmured, scooting closer. "What was it about? You sounded like you were afraid of being punished for something." 

"Ah... it's nothing. I have this dream sometimes. It’s not really a nightmare, it’s just rather unpleasant." Siegbert murmured, settling back into the nest of blankets and pillows he'd made for himself.

"If you say so." Shiro didn't believe him in the slightest. He'd been pleading and fighting, crying as unseen hands tried to force him to follow. He wanted to say so, but Siegbert was as stubborn as he was sensitive. He wouldn't admit such a thing.

Sighing, Shiro welcomed Siegbert back into the circle of his arms, smiling as the young dragon found just the right way to fold himself. Normally, were this any one else; Shiro would find such behavior strange. Men didn't usually curl up together like this, unless they shared a more intimate relationship; but he found he was perfectly comfortable.

Siegbert was simply too wholesome and innocent for there to be any ulterior motives. He had no other desire save for warmth and comfort. There may have been a time he’d try to deny it, but Shiro himself found Siegbert's gentleness comforting. He had always admired that about him, and really; all those among them with kinder hearts. It took real guts to be a gentle soul. 

"Sieg? Are you still awake?" 

"Hmm?" Siegbert's response was sleepy and soft, the voice of one just barely awake. He needed to speak quickly.

"I just wanted to say I'm proud of you. You're a good person." His declaration was met with the sound of soft snores, but it felt good to say it. He'd have to remember to say it again later, when Siegbert was awake to hear it.  
***

Early morning sunlight streamed lazily through the canvas, illuminating the tent just enough for him to watch the man next to him sleep. Siegbert hadn't stirred since his "unpleasant" dream. He was sleeping deeply, the only sound coming from him was a content purr rising and falling in his chest.

It was odd to think that Siegbert only showed this side of himself when he slept. Did he hide it when he was awake? If he did, why? There was nothing to be ashamed of; his mother was a wonderful person and his heritage was something to be proud of. 

He didn't understand. Siegbert was hardly the only nonhuman among them, and it wasn't as though he could fool anyone. He had inherited his mother's pointed ears and sharp teeth; the fangs peeking out from behind his full lips every time he smiled. It was likely he'd inherited other inhuman traits as well, but his modesty made it so that none would see them.

Looking at him now, Shiro could see no reason as to why he'd feel the need to hide his body. Were Nohrians simply more prudish? Perhaps they saw nakedness as indecent. Thinking back, he couldn't really remember seeing any Nohrian linger in the bathhouse. They were direct and to the point, get clean and get out; efficient and militant even in their downtime. 

'I guess that's just a cultural difference.' He thought, frowning as he continued to study his friend's sleeping form.

He didn't like what illness did to him. His fair skin was sallow, his hair limp and matted. His eyes were dull and tired, his voice weak and hoarse, and even his smile was less bright. He hated seeing him like this. He looked so small and defeated, curled up under a pile of blankets, shivering and wheezing. It wasn't right. This wasn't how Siegbert was meant to look.

Siegbert was dignified and graceful, his every word and action weighed and measured. He didn't talk out of turn or raise his voice. He was something of a calming presence among them; he'd been known to calm an tent full of angry or panicked soldiers with only a few words. He was respected and well loved among the ranks thanks to his gentle disposition. He'd seen many people go to him in favor of their own commanders when they had a problem.

He didn't see this, of course. He never seemed to see the good things in himself. Instead, he fought tooth and nail to find flaws, no matter how small; and then he obsessed over them. He could do something perfectly and would still find fault in his work; and he always compared himself to others. He was never as good as anyone else in his mind.

'You're such a mess, Sieg.' Shiro thought, smiling grimly as his friend shifted in his sleep. 'It's okay though. I'll be here for you.' 

Sighing, Shiro extracted himself from the mess of blankets and stretched, relishing the way the cool air felt on his heated skin. He didn't exactly mind laying with Siegbert to lend him warmth and company, but he found himself growing very warm very quickly. He needed to find a way to combat that so that he could stand to keep doing it.

Casting a quick look at the sleeping figure on the pallet, Shiro began to dress; running down his list of duties for the day. He wasn't the most organized or dutiful, but he knew when it was time to be serious, and with Siegbert sick; someone needed to pick up the slack. Naturally, with him being the oldest and Siegbert's social equal, that duty fell to him. 

Shiro paused as Siegbert whined and reached out, clearly looking for him. When he didn't find him there, he stole the pillow he'd been using and drew it close, hugging it to his chest and burying his face in it. It seemed that he'd gotten used to his presence there and missed him when he was gone; even if only for a bed warmer. He needed to find a way to stave off his loneliness while he was gone. He'd like to simply stay with him all day, but there was just too much to do.

'I'll find someone to keep him company.'  
***

"Young master, I need you to extract yourself from your nest." Siegbert groaned at the sound of Jakob's voice. The very idea of moving sent waves of nausea through him, making him sweat and shake. He'd thought he was feeling better the night before despite the damage to his voice; but now he regretted every second he spent awake.

"Why...?" He whined, covering his pounding head with a pillow, swatting helplessly at the hands that tried to pull the covers away.

"Because this bedding reeks of stale sweat and who knows what else. Come now; don't be difficult. I'll call for reinforcements." Siegbert went still and silent, hoping that Jakob would go away if he ignored him long enough. "I know you haven't gone back to sleep, Young master. There's no point in playing dead. Dwyer has prepared a bath for you, and Prince Forrest will be with you shortly. Just cooperate for a moment." He grunted, yanking on the young man on the ground as Siegbert went completely limp; becoming nothing but dead weight.

Jakob managed to wrestle the blankets and pillows away from his desperate grasp, and with Dwyer's help, managed to force him out of his dirty clothes and into the wash tub; where he watched as they gathered his bedding and clothes, exchanging it for fresh ones.

"Now, now. There's no need to look so sullen, Milord. You'll feel better afterward, if only because you're clean." Jakob quipped, smiling in encouragement. 

Siegbert knew it was true, and Jakob had always done his best to care for him, but it was hard to feel grateful when he felt as though his head would split open, and sleeping had been his only escape.

"You're getting thin, Siegbert." Jakob said suddenly, frowning as he straightened from his work. He rarely addressed him so casually, as he was his mistress' eldest son; but at times like these, the man who had been his minder came out. Jakob had always been there when his parents came to visit, ready to give them a reprieve when they wanted time to rest. He'd washed and changed him, and when he grew older, played with him. Jakob would deny the times he crooned and cared; but Siegbert knew the kind man that hid beneath the bluster. "You simply must care for yourself; if not for yourself, your mother. It would destroy her if something happened to you."

Guilt bubbled away in his gut as Jakob's words hung between them. He was unsure of how to reply, or if he even could; so instead, he simply nodded. His attention was redirected to the tankard of daffodils. It was nice to see they were still brilliant and healthy, unlike himself. He probably looked like death at this point.

"Come now, Jakob. You know how stubborn my dear cousin can be." Siegbert glanced over, squinting as Forrest entered, momentarily casting the dim tent into light. "I can take things from here."

Jakob and Dwyer bowed respectfully and left them, their cooperation ending the moment they no longer shared a common goal. Forrest chuckled as their bickering faded into the distance. How they ever had energy for anything else, Siegbert would never know.

"Well, good morning Siegbert. I'd say you look better, but that would hardly be the truth; if anything, I'd say you look far worse." Siegbert hummed, noting his cousin's worried expression as he sank down into the shallow water. He wished it provided him with some kind of privacy; but sadly, these tubs were meant to be easy to transport and were hardly luxurious. 

"I don't feel much better, either." Forrest winced at the rough, wet quality of his voice. It probably wouldn't be long until it was gone entirely. 

"Well, I'm afraid I can't do much to help you with that. Midori is working on an herbal blend that might help with the aches and soothe your cough, but other than that; you're just going to have to rest and get well on your own." Siegbert groaned miserably and let his head fall forward onto his knees, shivering. "But I can help you get cleaned up." Forrest rolled up his sleeves, a look of sheer determination of his face. "First order of business is to do something with that hair."

"It has gotten long, hasn't it? No doubt I look a bit mangy." Siegbert asked, wrapping a lock of hair around his finger. Forrest tutted gently, coming behind him to comb his fingers through it.

"It needs a trim, but I'd not say you look mangy. Now then, the sooner we get this done, the sooner you can go back to bed."  
***

Siegbert's face still burned with shame as he lay buried in blankets. He'd not been seen so intimately since he was a child, and Forrest had shamelessly scrubbed him clean, paying no mind to his nakedness. 

"You truly are a shy person, aren't you Siegbert? We've bathed together before, why so mortified?" Forrest asked, dainty fingers combing through damp, freshly trimmed hair. 

"We were much younger then; we've both grown." Siegbert croaked, burying his face in a pillow. In truth, he disliked his body. He lacked the bulk of many among them, but was too tall and broad to be called petite; he felt lacking either way.

"Oh please. You've not got anything I've never seen; besides, it's not as though I was staring."

His cousin's reassurance did little to comfort him. Forrest was effortlessly lovely and so kind; it was impossible not to be charmed by him. Anyone in their right mind would want to be his friend; and the men and women in their camp loved him for his willingness to help them, even if only by listening. He was far better suited to rule than he. He had a warm heart and confidence to share. He had nothing.

"So... you've become very comfortable around Shiro. I have to wonder if you'd be as shy in front of him." Siegbert shook himself from his thoughts, looking over his shoulder is surprise.

"Wha-? What are you implying?!" He asked, his blush spreading from his cheeks to his ears and neck, leaving him feeling hot.

"Who says I'm implying anything? I've simply noticed how close the two of you have become, that's all." Forrest's tone was innocent, but Siegbert couldn't help but feel the implications were anything but.

"Well... no. I'd be just as uncomfortable baring myself in front of him." Perhaps even more so. Siegbert couldn't quite place the feelings he had for his friend, but there was always a sense of unease whenever they were alone, an annoying whisper in the back of his mind.

"You're hopeless. What are you going to do when you marry your future spouse? Douse the lights every time you--"

"I-I'll cross that bridge later!" He didn't want to dwell on such things. He couldn't help but feel his marriage would be an arranged affair, loveless and empty; a bed only shared in the name of begetting heirs. All he had to offer another was his title, and what was that next to love?  
***

Shiro panted, grinning at Asugi from across the training yard. It had been a while since he'd sparred with him, and he was pleasantly reminded of his friend's ability. It was a nice change from being pummeled by his father or trying to counter Nohrian tactics. He hated knowing he still had so far to go.

"Oh man... I'm beat. That was a good workout." Shiro said, wiping sweat from his brow.  
His opponent nodded in agreement, groaning as he bent at the waist to stretch his back.

"No kidding. You went hard on me today. Something on your mind?" Shiro shook his head, placing his trainer on the rack with all the others.

"No, why would you think that?" 

"Because you're in your own head more than ever and you've been talking about nothing but Siegbert since he got sick." Shiro frowned and crossed his arms, thinking back on every conversation they'd had in the past three days.

"No I haven't. Don't be stupid." Asugi smirked, standing straight once more to meet his eyes.

"Actually, you have. You mention him every time we see each other; like some milk maid in love. You hardly leave his side, too."

"What the hell does that mean?! He's my friend and I'm worried about him! So what if I mention that? I should be able to tell a friend I'm worried without being teased." Shiro said, his indignation clear in his tone. "And I'm spending so much time with him because I was asked to keep an eye on him. He'll go right back to working himself into an early grave if someone doesn't."

"Well, that's great and all, but don't you think you're taking it to the extreme? You don't have to sleep in his tent, I'm sure he can handle that on his own." 

"Sure, but it's easier for me to keep an eye on him if I'm there. He's sick as a dog and exhausted, and he gets lonely stuck in that tent by himself all day." Asugi raised his eyebrows quizzically, his expression one of surprise.

"Yeah... so? It's not your job to make sure he's happy and taken care of. They have servants for that crap; you're his equal, you shouldn't be at his beck and call." Shiro scowled, an irrational anger rising in him. He knew Asugi was right, he was going overboard, but it felt wrong to leave Siegbert alone when he was clearly feeling so vulnerable.

"I can't leave him to just waste away in bed. That's not how we treat friends." Shiro ground out, breathing slowly through his nose. "I'd do the same for any of you."

"Well, maybe your calling is to be a nanny or nursemaid." Asugi chuckled, shaking his head. "You sure it's Caeldori you're sweet on and not him? I'm not judging, but I mean..."

"Asugi. I'm only gonna say this once, and I suggest you drop it after this; I'm not in love with Siegbert. He is a close friend, I respect him, but that's all there is and all there ever will be. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got work to do." 

Shiro hurried away, his emotions running wild as Asugi's accusations clanged around his mind. How could anyone think he was in love with Siegbert, of all people? Siegbert wasn't his type, nowhere close. He was too soft and quiet, and carried too much baggage with him. He couldn't just let things go and constantly tore himself down so that everyone else could stand a little taller.   
He could handle that as his friend; sure it made him mad when Siegbert said cruel things about himself, but he knew as a lover he'd lose his mind. 

Shiro strode quickly, swearing softly under his breath; rubbing furiously at the back of his neck. Why was this getting under his skin? He scoffed and shook his head, making his way towards the corals. This was stupid.

He couldn't love Siegbert; not when Siegbert couldn't even love himself.  
***

It had grown late in the afternoon and still Shiro hadn't come back. Siegbert couldn't help but feel disappointed and a little lonely now that his visitors had come and gone. He couldn't blame them of course. He was boring on his best days, and he could only imagine that he was even less interesting when he was almost too weak to sit up on his own.

He tensed as he coughed, the sound deep and wet. As pain seared through his chest and throat, the taste of mucus and the metallic tang of blood filled his mouth, making him grimace. His coughing had grown intense since it had began, so it was no surprise his abused throat bled. Sniffling, he turned onto his side and watched the tent flap expectantly, feeling foolish for doing so.

How long would he feel this way? He couldn't afford to be useless forever, they'd not keep being so understanding; eventually he'd grow to be a burden. Perhaps he already was? What if everyone already resented him? He would have to work twice as hard just to make up for it.

What if it wasn't enough, though? What if he'd never be able to make up for his incompetence? They'd find a reason to be rid of him and choose Kana or Forrest over him, the failure. He'd be left behind, and the world would move on. He would be forgotten by all, missed only in passing.

The world was so vast, so much larger than he was. What did it care if he simply disappeared one day? If he grew too tired and left for good, would anyone care enough to look for him? Would they cry?

He shook his head, trying to banish the dangerous, intrusive thoughts. His family told him they loved him. Surely that meant they did, or else they were truly cruel. Since he knew that was far from true, they must be earnest. Why or how didn't matter; they'd never use such a strong word if they didn't mean it.

"Hey there, you okay?" Siegbert jumped at the sound of Shiro's voice. He'd neither heard or seen him enter; and for him to be standing there, a tray of food and drink in his hands was surprising. 

"I-I'm sorry Shiro! I didn't know you were there." He said, forcing himself to sit up, his stomach turning at the mere thought of food.

"I noticed," Shiro chuckled, placing the tray across his lap. "I'd been trying to talk to you for a good two minutes. You were just laying there with this sad, far away look on your face. You okay?"

"Yes, of course." Siegbert took up his spoon, poking at the leftover stew in his bowl. "I'm just growing bored, I suppose." Shiro hummed, his expression skeptical. He said nothing on the matter, simply digging into his own supper. 

Silence stretched between them, thick with understanding; he was lying and Shiro knew it. He knew it would be easier to simply keep things as they were; to keep Shiro at arm's length, but he was tired. He was tired of pretending he was strong, when he was really so very weak.

"You should eat. I know you're feeling rough, but you need your strength. Hell, we need it." Shiro's voice was gentle, coaxing him as one would a picky child.

"And if I can't keep it down?"

"If you puke, then we just clean it up and carry on. It's not that big a deal, Sieg." Shiro reached over and took the spoon from his cooling stew, picking up a mouthful. Siegbert watched as he held the food out to him, clearing intending for him to take it.

"I'm not going to let you spoon feed me, Shiro. I'm not a child." Siegbert huffed, crossing his arms petulantly. 

"Never said you were. Now open up!" When it became clear he wouldn't back down, Siegbert opened his mouth and allowed Shiro to tip the slop into his mouth. In spite of its pleasant flavor, Siegbert's throat closed, his body rejecting it immediately. To avoid any unfortunate messes, he let it fall back into the bowl, coughing and gagging. "Feel that bad, or are you being dramatic?"

Siegbert shook his head, praying that he wouldn't vomit. Shiro rubbed his back gently, soothing him as best he could. It had been a very long time since he'd been so ill, and he was suddenly reminded of his childhood, where he’d spend weeks at a time abed. He prayed to every god that came to mind he wasn’t doomed to repeat it.

"I-I'm sorry." He mumbled, shaking as bile rose in his throat. 

"It's okay, Sieg. Here. No more, okay? I won't force you to eat if you feel this bad, I promise." Siegbert nodded and allowed him to take the bowl from him and place it off to the side. 

“I'm sorry. I must seem pathetic." Shiro huffed, and pursed his lips before shushing him; and as carefully as he could, guided him back onto the pillows. 

"No, you're sick. There's a big difference." He said, taking a bite of his dinner. "So besides feeling awful, how was your day?" Siegbert pulled the blanket close, curling into a ball underneath as his stomach began to settle.

"Dull. I had plenty of company; Mother and Father came to see me, Kana brought me some more flowers and added them to the ones you gave me. Forrest cut my hair. It was nice, I guess." Shiro chuckled and studied his friend a moment, his eyes lingering on his hair.

"It looks good. It was getting a little long." Siegbert smiled in spite of himself, reaching up to tuck a lock of hair behind his ear. He relished the warmth that came with the compliment; the feeling was unfamiliar. He feared he’d grow to crave it if he let himself dwell on it too long, so he quickly changed the subject.

"What about you?" Shiro smiled and shrugged silently, finishing off his meal before answering.

"It was good. I got a lot of work done, but nothing too exciting happened. I spent some time with our friends, me and Asugi got some sparring in, I played a little shogi with my uncle. Same old song and dance." Siegbert nodded in understanding. He knew very well what a normal day comprised of. He missed it something dreadful. "Mind telling me what had you so upset earlier? The truth this time? You've been fibbing to me all day."

Siegbert went still as his mind ground to a stop. What could he tell him? He confronted him directly, and hadn't even bothered to be polite about it. He owed him an explanation. The fears and emotions he'd been fighting back hit him once more, tears welling unbidden in his eyes. Shiro waited patiently, his silvery eyes full of worry.

"I... I'm sorry! I just feel so worthless... I...I..." 

"Sieg! You are anything but worthless! I... don't know what to say to make you feel better, but you do so much for us. Gods... I... help me out here!" Shiro huffed, shoving a frustrated hand through his hair. Siegbert was unsure what to say or even what he wanted to hear. He only knew that he needed something to ease his fears.

Shiro sighed, smoothing his mess of dark hair before removing his headband. Siegbert watched silently as he lay down beside him, not bothering to ask permission as he pulled him close. Siegbert grit his teeth as his tears began to flow in earnest, whimpering as Shiro shushed him, cupping his head gently as he cradled it against his chest.

"I don't know what to say, Sieg; but maybe this will help? I... I'm really proud of you. You're such a kind, good person; and you work so hard. Please, if you don't believe anything else, believe that."

Siegbert curled closer, fingers bunching the front of Shiro's scarlet robes. He was too tired to deny himself this. Shiro was warm and sturdy, strong enough to bear this for a little while. Surely it would be okay to let him.

"Sieg... I'm going to protect you from here on. I'll protect you from our enemies and yourself. I promise. I'll never let anything happen to you." A sob wracked Siegbert’s body and he allowed his arms to wrap around Shiro’s ribs. In that moment, with Shiro's arms wrapped warmly around him, his fingers buried in his hair; he believed him.  
***

The night had grown still and the camp was quiet, the only people awake were soldiers on patrol. Siegbert woke, still pressed against Shiro's chest, the beating of his heart a steady tattoo in his ear. Siegbert smiled and shifted slightly, pressing his face more firmly against his chest. 

He no longer felt afraid, and he found he was ravenously hungry, but he didn't want to wake the man sleeping beside him. Instead, he closed his eyes once more; intent on falling back to sleep. He could wait to eat until morning.

"Hey Sieg? You awake?"

"Hmmm?" Siegbert was surprised that Shiro had woken and he had to wonder if he'd been too eager. "I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Shiro shifted in the darkness and Siegbert buried his face in his pillow as the oil lamp flickered on, casting the tent in a warm orange glow. Shiro met his eyes, chewing his lip. He was quiet a moment, as though weighing his options before heaving a sigh.

"Nah, I've kind of been awake for a while now. I can’t sleep.”

“Whatever’s the matter? You’re not getting sick as well are you?” Siegbert asked, suddenly feeling guilty. He’d not be able to forgive himself if he’d made Shiro sick because he’d been too selfish to simply deal with this alone.

“No, it’s nothing like that. My mind is just racing is all.” Shiro said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Sieg I… I need some advice.”


	4. Verstehen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siegbert grows frustrated and confused after a late night chat with Shiro. The tension proves too much, but luckily; Auntie Camilla is there to help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Head canon time: Dragons; and wolfskin and kitsune too, feel their emotions more strongly than humans do. It takes extra effort for them to rein themselves in once they've reached a certain point. Someone who represses their emotions on a daily basis would likely find themselves making a scene once they hit their limit.

Siegbert gazed blankly at the book before him, seeing the words without understanding them. Every sound was a distraction, his more sensitive hearing making him aware of the soldiers running drills, someone honing a blade, and Sophie chasing after Avel. He ground his teeth as he tried to force himself to focus.

Most distracting of all were his own nagging thoughts. Shiro had asked him a strange question the night before and he couldn’t get it out of his mind. In fact, the harder he pushed it away, the deeper it seemed to burrow, like a stubborn splinter.

‘How would you tell someone you liked them?’ He had been taken aback to say the least; he’d never really thought of it before. He never thought he’d get the chance.

‘W-well… who is it?’ It had been silly to ask perhaps, he already knew it to be Caeldori. Shiro was positively smitten with her, after all; but whatever hope he dared have had perhaps made him pretend otherwise. Shiro’s odd phrasing had struck him though… was he wrong?

‘Well… you see… they’re a friend, and I’m afraid to confess my feelings and ruin our friendship. It means a lot to me.’ Siegbert had been confused. Shiro was many things, but fickle was not one of them. He wouldn’t just stop being enamored with one woman and move on to another. Shiro was loyal.

‘I know them personally, I assume?’

‘Yeah. You know them really well; you see them every day.’ Why wouldn’t he just tell him the name? If it wasn’t Caeldori, then who…?

‘Well, I suppose you should just tell them. If they are truly your friend and you are as close as you say, then they should at the very least be understanding. Tell them that you value them as a friend and that their feelings matter to you, but you hope that you could have more together. I… don’t know what else to say. I…’ Would never have the chance, would never know love, want something I cannot have-- ‘I’ve yet to find myself in such a position.’ Shiro had looked almost dejected when he had said that. Why?

‘Yeah, but it’s pretty scary to put yourself out there like that. You know me… I’m not great with emotional crap.’ Shiro always said that, but yet he never seemed to falter. He knew what to say to him when he felt vulnerable. He found himself more at ease with Shiro of late, as though he could tell him anything. It was easy, safe.

He wasn’t sure how to feel about that, though. He needed to appear strong, as though nothing could break him. Why was Shiro so hard to resist? He could resist sharing himself with his parents, but not Shiro. Why? Why was he so confused?

He slammed the book closed on his table, the rickety thing teetering dangerously for a moment before evening out. All this downtime made it impossible to think; or perhaps it was the opposite. He hadn’t been able to do anything but. He sighed, breathing slowly through his nose. Perhaps he would ask his Auntie to let him do something today. Something simple, easy; inventory or dish duty, perhaps. Anything was preferable to this hell.

He straightened as the flap of his tent was thrown open, a smiling Shiro stepping through it. He wasn’t sure why, but he felt himself growing agitated by his presence. Perhaps it was due to spending so much time together, or something else altogether. 

“Hey there, you feeling a little better today? I guess you must be if you’re sitting up.” Siegbert shrugged, feeling a little like a sullen child as he stared ahead, trying not to look at him. He was feeling a little better, though not enough to say that he had recovered. It was frustrating.

“A little, maybe. I’m still fairly fatigued, I’d no doubt still be a burden if I tried to do anything around camp.” He griped, huffing in frustration. Shiro chuckled, the sound making him feel unusually warm.

“That’s to be expected, Sieg. You really overdid it, you can’t expect to be better immediately.” Siegbert groaned irritably, crossing his arms. Why couldn’t Shiro just get to the point already? He wasn’t in the mood to chat. As though sensing his mood, Shiro paused, coming closer. “Hey, what’s wrong, Sieg? You sure you’re okay?”

“YES. Why must everyone keep asking me? I’m FINE. I’m just not in the mood to talk.” Siegbert took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He needed to get a grip on his emotions, he was being unreasonable and fussy; he couldn’t let himself take it out on Shiro more than he already had. He was concerned for him, that was all. “Forgive me. I suppose I’m feeling a bit irritable. I’ve spent too much time idle.”

Something in him said he was wrong, that this outburst had nothing to do with his time spent lazing about and more to do with the roiling, unnamed emotion gripping his heart. It left him feeling hot and sick as it seethed away, festering like a sore.

“Y-yeah… I guess that makes sense. Let me see if I can find one of our aunts. Maybe they’ll let you go for a walk or something.” Siegbert nodded, forcing his clenched hand to relax. It wasn’t perfect but a walk would do him well.

In truth, he needed to throw himself into a task of some kind to occupy his mind. It was how he’d always dealt with difficult emotions, it hadn’t failed him yet. Shiro squeezed his shoulder before departing, and Siegbert tried his best to ignore the way his warmth seemed to linger. He’d grown too aware of him. The sooner he got well and they returned to their normal routine, the better for them both.  
***  
“You’re not running a fever, so that’s a good sign. I still don’t like how quick your pulse is running, though; and you’re still paler than I’d like to see.” His aunt said, frowning up at him. “Your eyes are still bruised and dull too. I’m gonna have to say give a bit before you start heaping work on yourself, Sieggy.” She said, crossing her arms. His mother nodded in agreement, her expression firm.

“Auntie, Mother; I’m not asking that I return to patrols or training, I just need something to do. Surely there’s something easy that I can’t mess up.” He pleaded, trying not to sound like a child begging for sweets, but maintaining his composure was growing increasingly difficult as his mind buzzed with the thoughts of Shiro and his ‘someone.’ 

“Nope. Sorry kiddo, usually that would work, but not when we’re talking about your health. This is important, sweetie.”

“Siegbert, listen to your aunt. She knows best.” His mother said, her voice bordering on scolding. It seemed his tone had been as whiny as he feared. “We care about you, that’s all.” If they cared so damn much, they’d understand that this was misery. He needed to work; he was useless otherwise and all these unwanted thoughts were torturing him.

A distressed whine built in his throat as the two women talked. How much longer would it be? A day? A week? More? He couldn’t bear to lay about a day longer, not when Shiro made him feel so confused. What had he done to deserve this torture?

He was vaguely aware that he was beginning to make quite a lot of racket, his whimpering and complaining drawing their attention back to him. His aunt giggled, nudging his mother in the ribs with a wink.

“Uh oh. Looks like we have a cranky baby on our hands, sis.” She giggled as she saw herself out, leaving the two of them alone. His mother was far less amused than she had been.

“Siegbert! You’re behaving like a spoiled brat, stop that.” She huffed. He knew she was right of course. Princes didn’t behave like this…but he couldn’t help it. All the frustration and conflicting emotions from the past several days had finally come to a head and he had nowhere to put them.

His whining grew in volume until it spilled out of the tent, drawing attention from those outside. The tent flap pushed open and his aunt Camilla joined them, frowning as she made her way towards him.

“Good heavens, what is all this ruckus?” She asked, her eyes landing on him. He wanted to be embarrassed, but seeing her simply made him keen louder. “Corrin, darling; what is this about?”

“He’s being difficult. He wants to work and we won’t let him, so he decided to act like a child.” Camilla tutted, stepping closer; running her hand through his hair before pulling his head down to rest against her shoulder.

“Then compromise, dear. He’s like his father, he can’t bear to be cooped up in bed, you know this.” She said, her fingers toying with his hair. “Let him take a walk or give him something easy to do. He’ll be calmer in the end; he won’t recover if we make him miserable.” His mother groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Don’t baby him, Camilla. He knows better than this. Siegbert, I said no. Whining won’t change my answer.”

“Corrin, be reasonable. He’s clearly distressed, not behaving like a brat to get his way.” His mother heaved a sigh, shoving a hand through her hair. 

“Gods, fine. Siegbert, go take a walk if you must, but stop that racket first. I swear your father would have a fit if he saw you acting like this. We expect this from Kana, but you ought to be better at controlling yourself.”

Siegbert froze and fell silent, cold dread overpowering his other emotions. He was an embarrassment, a failure. He’d let his frustrations get the better of him and now he’d shamed his family. He clamped his jaw shut as another round of whimpers threatened to pour out. He couldn’t do any more harm.

“Corrin!” Camilla sounded shocked as she put her arm around his waist, pulling him close to her side. “Come on, dear. I’ll find you something to do to keep your mind busy.”

“Cam--”

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t exert himself, why don’t you go have some tea, find an outlet for the stress.” He let himself be lead away, casting a wary glance back at his mother. She didn’t want him to leave his tent, he understood that now. She was ashamed to have him as her son. He was a burden and a failure. He couldn’t even transform, his dragonstone was useful only as a precaution. He was hopeless.  
***

Siegbert found himself sitting across his aunt’s table, draped in a quilt. It smelled of lavender and sage; an incense his aunt had always been fond of. She kissed the top of his head as she placed a cup of lemon balm tea in front of him before settling into her own chair. She smiled gently at him across the table, her eyes warm.

She’d always put him at ease. As a child, she’d doted on him; encouraging him to pursue his hobbies, regardless of how hopeless he was at them. Even when Nina had been born, she still managed to find time to waste on him. He’d once asked if she ever got tired of him; she’d just had her own daughter after all. She’d hugged him, sadness in her eyes. ‘I have more than enough love to give, Sweetie.” He’d been so relieved to know she didn’t mind.

“Now, let’s see what trouble we can get into. I could teach you to embroider.” She said. Siegbert had always admired her needlework. It had been she that taught Forrest, after all. 

“I’m not against it. I don’t know how good at it I’ll be... “ She laughed, flicking a lock of hair over her shoulder. 

“Well, you’ll get the hang of it quickly, I’m sure. You’ve an artist’s hands, I have confidence.” She made her way towards her personal effects, pulling a pouch out of her rucksack. She laid out a small wooden hoop, squares of colored fabric, colored threads and needles. He was only slightly aware of what they were and how they were used, but he would need her to show him exactly what he needed to do.

“Okay sweetie, let’s get started. We’ll start with the running and backstitch.”   
***

After a few shaky attempts, he finally began to get the hang of it. He focused on the task at hand, carefully pushing the needle through the fabric, his mind blissfully silent as the stitches revealed a picture. He had to admit, embroidery was relaxing. The movements were repetitive, but not boring and he needed to think ahead so that they created something of note. It was a lot like sketching, but done in an unfamiliar medium. 

“I have to say I’m impressed, dear. You only pricked your finger once. My poor Nina never did get the hang of it.” Siegbert chuckled, warm fondness settling in his chest. His dear cousin did tend to space out. He could see how she’d hurt herself. “This one is pretty. Would you mind terribly if I added it to the patchwork I’m working on?” She asked, picking up one of his finished squares.

Truth be told, it was nothing but a meandering field of brambles and violet roses, but the stitches were fairly neat and clean. He’d not been thinking of anything when he’d done it, which was perhaps the point of this in the first place.

“Certainly Auntie. I’d be honored.” She smiled brightly, squeezing his hand before reaching for her project. He could pick out squares clearly done by her skilled hand, but there were also ones done by shakier ones. It seemed that she was collecting first attempts at embroidery from more than just himself. “Auntie? Who else have you taught?” He asked, admiring the colors and patterns. 

“Oh, noticed that did you? Well, this one was one of Nina’s first tries. And this is Forrest’s. Here we have one from Elise, Corrin, Leo and your father. Then we have Niles, Selena, Beruka and Hinoka here.” She pointed out all the clumsily embroidered squares sprinkled throughout her work, they stuck out like sore thumbs, but somehow, it was charming. Cute. “I like to have proof of the time I spend with all of you.”

“It’s beautiful, Auntie. I still have my baby blanket, believe it or not. It’s tucked away safe and sound in my pack.” He said, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. His aunt cooed in delight, reaching out to squeeze his hand.

“Oh Siegbert, that is so cute. I can repair it if you’d like. You were such a terrible teether.” His cheeks flushed, but he felt warm inside. It was good to know that his sentimentality made her happy. “Now. Are you feeling better? Maybe you’re ready to talk to me about what had you so upset earlier?” Siegbert chewed his lip a moment, considering his feelings.

His aunt had always been someone he trusted. She’d been the first to see his sketches, she’d taught him to ride wyverns, and as a boy, he’d often shared his fears and doubts with her. He’d let himself grow distant as he aged; he couldn’t depend on her forever, and she had her own family to deal with. He needed to learn to stand on his own without the crutches he’d prop himself up with… but maybe just this once he could return to safer shores.

“I… find myself feeling frustrated and confused recently, but I don’t know exactly what to call this feeling. I… just know that I don’t like it, it’s distracting.”

“Oh? And what causes it?”

“Everything Shiro says or does. It vexes me terribly, and yet I don’t want him to leave. When he comes back at the end of the day, I feel as though I’ve not seen him in years. I hate it...” His aunt chuckled, a knowing look in her violet eyes.

“Well, well. Perhaps you should share these feelings with him? You may find you understand them better when you describe them to him.” Siegbert’s face screwed up in confusion, the strange feeling of fear lancing through him. Something in him told him that he shouldn’t tell him.

“I… don’t know. I feel like these feelings are wrong and will change things between us… that scares me.”

“That’s completely normal. Sharing ourselves with other people is never easy, Siegbert; but I think you’ll find yourself surprised. As far as your feelings go, if they aren’t hurting anyone, they aren’t wrong, sweetie.”

He wasn’t so sure. Something about it seemed wrong, as though he would be crossing a line he shouldn’t, as though Shiro’s feelings wouldn’t match his at all. 

“I’ll try, Auntie. Thank you for listening to me.” She nodded, standing as he rose to his feet. 

“I will always listen, dear; and no matter what, these feelings are normal I promise. Talk to him. And go find your mother. No doubt she feels terrible about what happened earlier today… I hope you can forgive her. We’ve had… several problems today.”  
“I understand, Auntie. I could see she was stressing and I only added to the burden with how I acted. I’ll apologize.” Camilla pulled him close, tucking her head under his chin. It was odd to be taller than her now; when he was a child everyone had seemed so large. Now even his father was barely taller than he. 

“You’re such a sweet boy, Siegbert. We all want you to be happy. Promise me you’ll try.”

“I promise, Auntie.”  
***

His own tent was silent and claustrophobic, especially after all the time he’d spent out of it. It felt like a prison, and the half wilted daffodils only served to make him more confused than before. His gut twisted as he thought back to how proud Shiro had been of them and how happy he’d been. What on earth was this?

The longer he thought about it, the less he felt he should talk to Shiro about it. He needed to push it down, just like he did with any other useless feeling he had. He didn’t need to put a name to it, it would only hurt him, and he didn’t want to understand it. It would pass in time and he could keep his promise to his aunt. He would know peace again, so he would be happy.

He looked up as his mother stepped inside, looking guilty and ashamed. It hurt to see her looking like that, as though she’d done something wrong. He was the one at fault. He’d been obnoxious and behaved inappropriately.

“I’m so sorry, darling. I shouldn’t have been so hard on you. We feel emotions so much more strongly than everyone else, I should have listened.”

“Mother… you did nothing wrong. I was behaving like a child… forgive me, you must be so ashamed.” He hated knowing he’d shamed her.

“Siegbert. I want you to listen to me now. Look at me.” He did as she said, meeting her eyes. She sighed and cupped his face. “What I said to you was uncalled for and I shouldn’t have. I was frustrated, but that’s no excuse. You are so much like your father that you’re difficult to read and you refuse to open up to me. Is it really so hard to trust me?”

“M-mother! I do trust you! I… I just know that I must learn to shoulder my burdens alone. If I can’t manage that, then I may as well give up now.” His mother’s eyes brimmed with tears as she pulled him close. 

“No, no. You don’t have to do anything alone, Siegbert. You needn’t become your father; he did so only out of necessity. Please don’t wall yourself off the way he did.”

“But mother, I--”

“He would tell you the same, love. Look up to him, but see him as an example of what not to do as well. We love you. We only want what is best.”  
***

The chilly air felt wonderful on his skin, acting as a balm for his frayed nerves. His mother had finally conceded and allowed him to take a walk, though expected him to return to his tent soon. He kept his pace slow, unwilling to exhaust himself too quickly. 

He’d never expected his mother to plead with him not to become the man he admired more than anyone. His father was the very star he charted his life by, why wouldn’t he want to walk his path? What was wrong with him learning to control his volatile emotions? They had never caused him anything but trouble, after all.

Learning to rely on himself alone meant he would never trouble anyone with his meaningless prattle or his tears. They could be free of all but the useful parts of him, they’d never need to comfort him or convince him of his worth. 

He paused as he heard a laugh ring out ahead, cocking his head slightly as he listened closer. It was Caeldori’s voice, and she sounded happy. If it was in such a public place though, surely he’d not be interrupting anything of import.

As he drew closer, he could smell her perfume, mixed with what could only be Shiro. He grimaced as his heart clenched, the ache spreading through his chest and into his throat. Perhaps he should confront him with these feelings after all. Perhaps it would help them go away. With his resolve renewed, he continued towards them, thinking of ways to broach the topic. He didn’t want to make things awkward between them, but he needed peace. 

As he rounded the bend, the trees broke, leading him into a small clearing, where Shiro and Caeldori stood. They were far enough away and speaking lowly enough that he couldn’t make out the subject matter; but the way she leaned close set his teeth on edge. 

He waited patiently, they were clearly happy together without him, so he wouldn’t ruin it for them. His teeth ground together as Shiro nudged her playfully and she gripped his arm to catch herself. He didn’t like seeing her touch him.

Finally, Shiro grew serious, his voice falling low as his chuckled died. Caeldori leaned closer to hear him better as his cheeks flushed. He needed to leave. He was intruding on an important moment, Shiro had been trying to gather his courage to do this for months. He didn’t need or want to see this.

His legs refused to move and his eyes stayed fixed on them as she squealed in delight, throwing her arms around his neck, pressing her lips to his cheek. They laughed and embraced as Siegbert choked back tears, the pain in his chest consuming him. The feelings that had tormented him for so long finally had a name, but it was too late.

He was a vile person. Here he stood, loving someone who belonged to another. Why did it take him so long to admit it to himself? Perhaps if he had, he could have… no. He already selfishly took up enough of Shiro’s time and attention. He’d selfishly hoped that ‘someone’ was him, he was just too cowardly to admit it. Now, he was jealous of a friend he cared for, wishing he was standing in her place.

Slowly, he backed away, his eyes burning with tears. He needed to hide so that none would see them. They couldn’t know what a horrid wretch he was. Two souls in love had found each other and he couldn’t even be happy for them. He thought only of himself.

He didn’t deserve Shiro’s love or friendship. There was nothing in him that Shiro could want or need; not when he’d found someone so perfect, or even if he was all that was left in the world.


	5. Reverie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As they make their way towards the town of Velance, Shiro finds himself reflecting on how his relationship with Siegbert has evolved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to update, I've started working again and don't have as much time as I used to.

‘I-it's nice to meet you, Prince Shiro.’ His hands were shaking minutely in his grasp, the palm slightly clammy and cool. Shiro could feel the calluses, no doubt worn in by years of gripping the hilt of a sword; and yet, something about him was just so soft. 

Perhaps it was his well manicured nails, the smooth skin, or his meek smile; but he couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t belong there. He was better suited to palace life, eating grapes off a silver platter, not drinking slop out of a bowl. 

‘This is Xander’s son?’ Shiro could scarcely believe it. Prince Xander was such an imposing figure among them. Tall, broad, and skilled; Shiro had grown up hearing that he was a dangerous man, never to be taken lightly. Xander’s son should have at least lived up to half that, but he didn’t. There was nothing dangerous about him. 

To say he was disappointed was a gross understatement. He had expected him to be grim faced and hard eyed, a Nohrian warrior through and through; instead he got a soft spoken wimp with soft, round eyes and a baby face. How could this boy be expected to fight in a war? He looked like he still needed a nanny.

‘He won’t last a week. He’ll start whining about how stiff his cot is or how much his feet hurt.’ He didn’t want this little boy watching his back in a fight, or even helping him with dish duty. He didn’t trust him not to mess everything up.  
***  
Shiro jolted as the wagon hit a rut in the road, pitching violently to the left before evening out. Xander called out an apology and something about the rain washing out the road. It didn’t matter, Shiro trusted him not to get them all killed. If nothing else, Xander seemed to always know what he was doing, especially when he didn’t. 

To his left, Siegbert groaned miserably and curled tightly in on himself. He’d been shaken violently from his nap and now probably regretted everything that had happened since he’d fallen ill. Shiro resisted the urge to laugh; it probably wouldn’t be a good idea at the time.

Siegbert had become withdrawn and cranky. He refused to let him help him up into the wagon; and when he’d gone to lay down beside him, Siegbert had reassured him it wasn’t necessary, his tone cool as though he were trying to hide anger. 

He was confused. Siegbert had revelled in his company only a few days ago. Why did it seem as if a wall had been built between them overnight? Was it really because of his illness and the forced idleness, or was something else bothering him?

Try as he might, he couldn’t think of anything he’d done wrong. Nothing had been wrong until the day before. Siegbert had been tense and quick to anger, and it had certainly seemed as if it were all directed at him. He seemed to be the last person Siegbert wanted to see. 

When he’d brought him his evening meal, ready to finally settle in for the night, Siegbert had taken the tray from him and bid him a curt goodnight, blocking his entry with a lukewarm smile and his shaking frame. What had changed? Why? He missed their closeness and the sound of Siegbert’s laugh. How could he get it back?

‘I don’t want you to get sick, you’ve been reckless enough.’ That had been his excuse, but he’d been huddled up with him during the worst of his illness and hadn’t fallen victim to it. He seemed to know his excuse was weak at best, but stuck to it; even now.

He wanted to ask him to tell him the truth, but it wasn’t the best time to attempt a soul baring conversation; not while their fathers were in earshot. Sighing in frustration, Shiro let himself study Siegbert’s curled form.

His huddled posture and the way he seemed to be pressing himself as far against the opposite wall of the wagon seemed to scream anxiety, as though he was so uncomfortable around him that he physically couldn’t stand it. He shivered and pulled the blanket closer, clearly still suffering from chills.

‘Not necessary, huh?’ If he said it didn’t bother him, he would be lying. He hated being so far away from him. They’d been together all week, and he’d tried his best not to be farther than arm’s length from him whenever they were together. He’d grown used to and enjoyed it. 

“Sieg… are you sure you’re okay?” He asked, hoping he’d react with something other than dismissive false bravado.

“Y-yes… I’m fine. I just have a headache and that bump in the road made it worse. Sorry… I’ll try to be quiet.” Shiro sighed and stretched out onto his back. There he went again, apologizing for something dumb. Why did he always seem to feel the need to apologize? Would he apologize for just existing next?

“Don’t sweat it, Sieg. I’m just worried about you is all.” He said, trying his best to keep his voice light. He didn’t want Siegbert to feel like he was irritated. It was far from true. “You’ve got the right idea, though. I think I might try and catch a nap myself. No reason not to, right?” Siegbert hummed quietly in response, rolling to face him.

It was the first time in a few hours he’d actually seen Siegbert’s face and it made his heart ache. He looked exhausted, as if he hadn’t slept at all the night before. The deep, bruise like shadows beneath his usually bright eyes made him look deathly pale. He had hoped he’d start looking more like himself by now, but it seemed that he still wasn’t feeling much better.

“Are you sure you’re okay with coming, Shiro? I’m sure you’d much rather stay at camp. You’d not have to babysit me… I’m sorry I’ve been such a burden.” Siegbert said, looking down guiltily. He hated it when he said these sorts of things about himself. It reminded him too much of how he used to see him, way back when they first met. A burden.

“Nah, I don’t mind one bit! Besides, I’m not “babysitting” you. I’m here to help our dads and keep you company. It’s a pretty sweet gig when you think about it.” Shiro smiled, pillowing his head on his arm; praying to any god that might listen that he sounded as reassuring as he thought he did. Now, after knowing him for as long as he had; he couldn’t think of anything he’d rather be doing. Siegbert had become someone he cherished. They’d come a long way from back then.

“Are you sure? I’m sure there’s someone else you’d much rather spend time with…” Siegbert said, his voice wavering slightly. He didn’t miss the way he emphasized ‘someone else.’ What was going on his his mind? What had he let take hold of him this time? 

“No, there’s no one else I’d rather be with. You’re my best friend, Sieg. No one’s ever gonna top that.” Shiro said, hoping the encouragement would keep him from beating himself up. 

‘Best friend’ wasn’t quite the right sentiment. What he really wanted to say still burned his mouth like a hot coal and didn’t quite fit. Siegbert was special to him in ways he was still trying to understand the why and how of.

Regardless of his confusing emotions, Siegbert looked slightly calmer, maybe even satisfied. It was enough if he brought him at least a little comfort and he wouldn’t have to witness the faraway look of someone mentally flagellating themselves.

“... Okay. If you’re sure you don’t mind being here with me, then… I’m glad.” He said, a hopefulness in his voice. “Shiro… I-I am a little cold… so… could we…?” Shiro chuckled slightly and joined Siegbert under the blanket, relief flooding through him as he cuddled close.

“I knew you were. Why were you being so stubborn?” Siegbert huffed, but said nothing on the matter, simply tucking his face against his neck; seemingly breathing deeper than usual, almost as though he were smelling him. He’d made sure to take a bath the night before and wear clean clothes… he couldn’t possibly complain that he smelled.

Shiro listened as his breathing evened out, his body relaxing as sleep claimed him. He envied him at that moment; asleep and safe from difficult questions and memories that made everything painfully clear; his emotions zipping back and forth wildly. He knew what he wanted, and yet, he was terrified of it.

‘What am I gonna do now?’  
***  
“Siegbert, Shiro. You two will practice together today; it’ll be good for both of you to see how the other fights.” Xander said, his voice firm. Siegbert looked nervously between him and his father, as though weighing the situation before bowing slightly.

“Y-yes Father. Thank you.” Shiro fought the urge to roll his eyes. Siegbert hadn’t complained a bit since coming to them; in fact, he’d been such a busy little bee that he hardly ever saw him, only the effect he had on his surroundings. Everything was neat and tidy, running smooth and efficient. He wanted to lie and say he wasn’t at least a little impressed, but he was; and it pissed him off.

‘Just put him on the ground and move on to someone worth your time, Shiro; don’t sweat it.’ He thought, bowing to Siegbert as etiquette dictated. As Xander gave them the signal to begin, he lunged, thinking to simply sweep his legs out from under him. Siegbert saw it coming a mile away and easily caught the shaft of his naginata, pulling him close enough to deliver a blow to his chest. Now with control of his weapon, Siegbert was free to attempt to disarm or finish him. Rather than doing either, Siegbert used his weapon to turn him, delivering a kick to his rear that sent him sprawling.

‘Stop goofing around. We’re meant to be sparring.’ His voice was firm, not at all like he was used to. Shiro pulled himself to his feet, his surprise making him gape like an idiot. ‘Are you feeling well? You seem to be struggling today.’

Was this the same person who had trembled and stammered the first time they met? Where had all this calm and confidence come from? Taking a deep breath, Shiro threw himself back into the match. It had been a lucky break. Siegbert wouldn’t be able to keep up for long. 

Again and again, Siegbert proved him wrong. Everything he did was met with Siegbert parrying or blocking. Shiro was getting more and more desperate to hold on to the image of Siegbert cowering at his feet, but with each failure to put him there, it fell apart; and Siegbert snapped again and again for him to take this seriously. He could hear his father yelling at him from the sidelines, asking him just what he was doing. If he was being honest, he didn’t know anymore. 

Finally, having grown tired of his bumbling, Siegbert decided it was time to end the embarrassment. He landed painfully on his back, the air shoved from his lungs with the force of his landing. His head ached from the blow upon his training helmet, which he later discovered had been delivered with the guard of Siegbert’s trainer, not the blade. 

‘Are you okay? Do I need to call for a healer?’ Siegbert asked, leaning over him to get a good look at him. Shiro gazed back only briefly before laughing. He felt stupid and knew he’d looked it too. 

‘Nah, I’m fine. Might’ve bruised my ego some, but my old man says I’ve got enough to go around, so I’m sure I’ll recover.’ He quipped, gratefully accepting Siegbert’s hand as he offered to help him up. He squeezed Siegbert’s hand firmly, seeing it in a new light. There was strength there. The smooth skin and clean nails had no bearing on how strong or skilled Siegbert was, they were simply a mark of his station. These hands were capable and well guided. He’d never disrespect them again.

After that time, he never fought anything but seriously with Siegbert. He studied his every move, his footwork and stance, his grip on the hilt and the way it would change depending on the direction of a cut or block. He wanted to know everything Siegbert was capable of, so that he knew what he needed to cover in real combat.

He didn’t know much about Nohrian martial arts, but it seemed they were far more nimble fighters than many Hoshidans; and his trainers in particular, gave them credit for. Siegbert relied mostly on the weight and angle of his sword rather than brute strength. He wasn’t as quick on his feet as a Hoshidan ninja or a samurai, but he certainly wasn’t a sitting duck either. What he couldn’t dodge he could block or parry. It was fascinating. 

He’d only heard stories of the Nohrians and their combat style, but it had been made to sound brutish, as if there was no real skill involved, only wild swinging of a dull hunk of steel. Nothing was further from the truth and it had been a disservice to everyone. Underestimating Siegbert’s skill, the strength of his arm or the sharpness of his sword was a mistake he’d never make again.

Eventually, time spent with Siegbert became something he couldn’t do without. With him, there was no pressure to perform or pretend that he wasn’t tired or upset. Siegbert was ready with a soft smile and open ears, ready to listen if he ever needed it. Slowly, the respect he felt for him turned into affection. Siegbert was warm and familiar, a safe place to rest for a time; the quiet scratching of charcoal on paper or the turning of a dogeared page the only sound he could hear. 

Siegbert’s place as a cherished friend grew and grew, taking up more and more room in his heart until being away from him made him feel lonely. His tent at night was too quiet without Siegbert’s quiet breathing or the turning of pages. Even something as simple as sitting beside him, their arms touching slightly made him feel at ease; but things could never remain simple. 

His affection for Siegbert moved ever further away from simple friendship, steadily marching towards something unknown. He would often catch himself admiring the way his eyelashes fell across his pale cheeks or becoming distracted as long fingers tucked a stray curl behind a pointed ear, only to inevitably drift downward and linger upon his mouth.

It had surprised him the first time he’d caught himself staring. Siegbert had been talking happily about a book he’d found at a second hand store. He couldn’t remember now what it had been called, but he remembered the way Siegbert’s wine colored eyes lit up with joy, his pale pink lips pulled into a sweet smile. Shiro’s eyes were drawn to the pearl white teeth and sharp fangs as he spoke; and every time his tongue peeked out from behind them, it felt almost provocative, as though he was seeing something he shouldn’t. Only Siegbert’s sudden silence had brought him back to reality. 

‘Sorry, did I space out?’ He asked, forcing himself to focus on Siegbert’s whole face. 

‘You did. It’s fine, though. I know I get excited over pointless things; I imagine that was boring.’ Siegbert had looked guilty, as though he truly believed that things that made him happy were pointless. 

He didn’t think it was pointless at all. Anything that made Siegbert smile and ramble on excitedly as he had been that day were worth caring about, even something as simple as an old book. It hurt to know Siegbert saw himself as trivial. 

‘No way, that’s not it! I just got distracted… I never noticed your teeth until now.’ He said, letting his eyes trail back down to his mouth. Siegbert hummed quietly, a small abashed smile spreading over his face.

‘I did inherit some of Mother’s traits, true. I… suppose it’s hard to see me as a dragon, though.’ Siegbert shrugged, his eyes still downturned. 

If he had been honest with himself that day, Shiro would have acknowledged that he found it hard to see Siegbert the same way as he saw his mother and brother. Their nature was ever at the forefront of who they were, readily apparent in almost everything they did. It was not so with Siegbert. 

Siegbert carried a dragonstone, just as the others did; but from what he understood, it was only a precaution. Siegbert had never shown any potential to transform and his even temper made them all fairly certain he’d not be pushed over the edge by anger. That distinction alone made it easy to forget his true nature and something about that sudden realization had been thrilling.

What else was there to discover? What would those sharp teeth feel like on his skin? Would feeling them against his throat be as thrilling as he thought it would be? Would he wake the next morning and smile at rows of little bloody pinpricks in the mirror, shivering as he remembered what had put them there?

It had been then that he realized that he no longer saw Siegbert as only a friend. Siegbert had become an unnamed entity in his life that brought him both comfort and misery in equal measure. 

He tried to deny the twisting, hot feeling of arousal and the sickening flutter of butterflies in his stomach. He would tell himself it was nothing, he’d simply gone too long without  
eating, or simply needed to scratch the proverbial itch and Siegbert was just pretty enough to remind him of it. His heart only fluttered when Siegbert smiled because he loved to see his friends happy, it was like that with everyone. When these methods of denial failed, he decided to change the story entirely. 

He was intimately aware with how cruel Siegbert could be to himself. He was constantly putting himself down, denying that he deserved praise. He knew Siegbert felt he was worthless long before he’d ever admitted it to him. Why would he want to be with someone that felt that way? How could he see Siegbert as anything but his friend when getting any closer would cause him trouble? Even if he did, it wouldn’t be worth it in the end; not when he’d just end up pulled down along with him. 

This proved to be exactly what he needed to distance himself from the confusing feelings that tumbled through him every time Siegbert smiled. It was what allowed him to redirect his feelings at someone who was safer and made more sense. It allowed him to spend more time with Caeldori instead. Day by day he grew more and more fond of her, and the way Siegbert had made him feel became muted. She gave those feelings a home and made them make sense. She was comfortable, familiar. None would turn their nose up upon seeing her at his side.

Despite his best efforts to forget them, though; the feelings never really went away. He’d managed to push them away for a time, to burden another with them so that he could have a reprieve; but now they were back again, stronger than they’d ever been. 

Being so close to him, seeing him so tired and defeated, and feeling his blazing, feverish skin had eroded his will to fight. Siegbert needed someone who would be there for him when he pushed too far for too long, who would stop him from ever going so far again. He should have been there this time, but he was too busy trying to avoid the terrifying questions with their painfully obvious answers. He was angry with himself for letting it go so far.

All the signs had been there, days before he’d fallen ill. Shiro had noticed that he had moments of lethargy and confusion. It was as though he’d not slept in days; and knowing Siegbert, that’s exactly what it had been. He should have known then that Siegbert had reached his limit and stopped him before he pushed past it. If he hadn’t been so stubborn, he would have acted sooner. He wouldn’t have allowed it to go on and then gotten angry with him when he finally hit bottom. Although…

It may have been for the best. Siegbert learned not to overextend himself and he was now forced to face the questions he’d tried to ignore for so long. Asugi had made it so that he couldn’t push them away anymore. They’d spoken more about it later, his friend unwilling to let him hide. It had been he that had pushed him to ask Siegbert for advice. The idea had been that he should take Siegbert’s advice; whatever it was, and use it. But first, he needed to speak with Caeldori and explain everything. It hadn’t been a conversation he’d looked forward to; but she was as gracious as always. 

‘You love him, Shiro. Anything you thought you felt for me was just an illusion, silly.’ She’d seemed so amused by the whole thing, but he still felt terrible. He felt as though he’d used her, even though it had never been his intent; not consciously at least. 

‘You sure you’re okay? I don’t want you to feel like everything I ever said was a lie. I really do like you, just I guess not like that, huh?’ She shook her head, soft smile still in place. 

‘No, no. I’m perfectly fine, believe me. To tell you the truth, Shiro; I’m relieved. I didn’t want to turn you down.’

‘I see… yeah, that’s probably good then. I don’t want things to be awkward between us.’ He shrugged, reaching out to give her a playful nudge. ‘I’m just glad we’ll still be friends.’ 

‘Of course we will!’ She laughed and kissed his cheek, real joy and relief clear on her face. It didn’t take long for her to become pensive, though. ‘Hey… by the way… you’re Asugi’s best friend, right?’

‘Yeah, I guess I am. Why? You about to tell me you’re sweet on him?’ The way she blushed and sputtered had confirmed it, and somehow it seemed fitting. ‘Are you serious? You and him… you know he’s an idiot right?’ She shrugged, giggling slightly as she straightened out her hair.

‘I don’t know, Shiro; I just… feel drawn to him somehow; like I knew him somewhere, some other time before. Have you ever felt that way?’

Perhaps he had, perhaps he hadn’t; he couldn’t be certain. That was the strange part about loving someone. It made things feel different, look strange. Regardless, he hoped things worked out for her; for both of them. They all needed a little happiness in times like these.

‘Do you think… he could ever feel the same way?’ 

‘He’d be crazy not to, ‘Dori.’  
***  
Here and now, alone with his thoughts as Siegbert slept soundly beside him, he had to make a choice, one he’d been pondering for a very long time, longer probably than he’d realized. Was it worth the risk?

He knew how hard Siegbert could be on himself and how hard that could make it to love him. Instead of being someone he wanted to be with forever, Siegbert could very well end up a weight around his neck. He never wanted to resent him.

Siegbert deserved to be loved and admired, and he wanted to give those things to him… but what would happen if he gave voice to that desire? Would everything they had fall apart? Would he lose him because of this feeling? He wasn’t sure he could stand it if he did. Siegbert was a constant in his life, someone he could rely on. He never wanted to lose that closeness.

Taking a deep breath, he smiled down at the sleeping dragon in his arms, gently brushing a lock of hair away from his face as he recalled Siegbert’s advice. 

‘You should just tell them. If they are truly your friend and you are as close as you say, then they should at least understand.’ His thoughts had been restless that night, his heart aching with the knowledge that the love he pretended to have for Caeldori belonged to the man beside him. 

Curling gently around him, he let his lips press against the top of his head, wrinkling his nose as the snowy mop of curls tickled his face. Somehow, Siegbert always managed to smell nice; like something bittersweet and nostalgic. Remembering Siegbert’s words, he found himself whispering them into his hair. 

“I value your friendship, but I hope we can have more together.” He felt silly saying them while he slept, but he couldn’t keep them to himself.

How could he have ever doubted that Siegbert was worth the risk? He was worth that and more, and he’d make sure he knew it by the time they returned; his or not.


	6. Longing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon arriving in Velance, Siegbert and Shiro wake up to an unexpected and unpleasant surprise; and they are forced to face something they hadn't expected: desire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone please get these boys some water.

“Shit! Sieg wake up!” Shiro’s swearing and stumbling across the room wasn't exactly the best way to wake up, but Siegbert found himself sitting up in bed regardless. 

“What is it?” He yawned, blinking as Shiro turned up the gas lamp. The sound of the rain pounding against the roof threatened to lull him back to sleep. 

“The goddamned roof is leaking; I'm fucking soaked!” Shiro groused, tearing through his pack for a change of clothes. 

“Good grief.” Siegbert grumbled, flinging the blankets back, crawling to his feet. “I suppose I’ll find the innkeeper and tell her what’s happened. Hopefully we can get another room.”

Shiro nodded in reply, too busy stripping off his wet clothes to bother with words. Siegbert’s breath caught in his throat as he found himself admiring his broad shoulders and powerful back.

He was no stranger to Shiro’s strength, and had found himself enjoying the way it felt to be cradled in his arms often since he’d fallen ill; but Shiro belonged to someone else now. He needed to respect that. He couldn’t keep giving into his desires, he’d been weak on the ride there. He shouldn’t have let him hold him.

He tore his eyes away from the bronzed skin and dense muscle, guilt settling into his gut. Shiro and Caeldori were his friends, both dear and special to him. He was horrid and didn’t deserve them. How could he call them friends when knowing they loved each other hurt him so badly? Smiling with this knowledge rolling around his brain was like poison, slowly leeching the life from him.

He couldn’t bear the thought of them holding hands, sharing knowing glances across a table, or kissing; it made him seethe with jealousy and sick to his stomach. It was positively revolting. He was a prince of Nohr, his father’s heir. These base feelings should be beneath him; and yet, here he was stricken and love sick. 

Every touch of Shiro’s hand was something he relished and every kind thing he ever said to him threatened to make him spill over with joy. When Shiro told him he was smart, or fun to be around, he believed him. Shiro said these things with such conviction that he actually felt them, if only for a moment. This was exactly why he was the last person Shiro needed. He needed constant validation to feel even a little less worthless. Someone like him would only dim Shiro’s light.

He rubbed his eyes as the door snapped shut behind him, biting his lip as they stung with tears. He was being ridiculous. He’d promised himself that he’d stop this, that he’d let Shiro go; but so far he’d only managed to cry and hurt. Was it supposed to be like this? Should it feel as though his heart was being torn from his chest?

Sighing heavily, he pushed away from the door and made his way down the hall towards the landing, his throat working with the effort of controlling his emotions. He needed to get himself   
under control before he entered the tavern. The last thing he needed was to look like he was about to cry. 

It was late in the evening, but the tavern still bustled with business; raucous laughter filling the spacious room as the smell of roast boar and mead floated above everything else. The tavern was a large, open room, well lit by simple sconces and an inviting fire crackling away in the large stone hearth. Round oak tables were surrounded on all sides by matching chairs, well worn; but sturdy. 

At the front of the tavern, the high polished, well built bar stood; the innkeeper presiding over her patrons’ meals. She greeted him warmly, her round face and gentle features giving him the impression that he could trust her, putting him at ease.

“Good evening. Dearie;’ she cooed, her thick Chevalier accent punctuating her words with a cheery staccato. “are you and your friend hungry? I could have it sent up to you, you had such a long trip after all.” She said, reaching out to pat his hand gently. Siegbert smiled, shaking his head.

“No thank you, Madam; I’m afraid I bring some bad news.” He said, taking a deep breath to steady himself. He hated to trouble the nice lady. “I’m afraid your roof has sprung a leak, right above my friend’s bed.” Her face went from pleasant to mortified in an instant as she tossed down her rag and bustled around the bar.

“Good heavens! Lead the way, dear! I’ll help you move your things into another room.” She said, indicating that she would follow him. 

Siegbert lead her quickly up the stairs, praying that Shiro was dressed. He didn’t want to share the sight of Shiro’s body with anyone else. It was his dirty secret, something he would carry with him forever; and at least while they were there, it was his to savor.

When the door opened, Shiro was busy dragging their bags away from the water pouring from the ceiling, pooling onto the bed Shiro had been sleeping in only ten minutes prior. To his chagrin, Shiro was still shirtless, his skin glistening in the lamplight. Siegbert watched as a drop of water dripped from his hair, trailing down his thick neck, between his broad shoulders, and lower; drawing his eyes to the dimples on his lower back. He was secretly grateful to the innkeeper as she spoke up, interrupting his shameless ogling. 

“Good heavens! Here, love; let me help you with that.” She said, taking one of the bags Shiro was holding. “Come, come! I’ll take you to another room.”

They did as she asked and followed her down the hall, unsure where she would even put them. She’d said she only had a few rooms to offer earlier that evening, it was hard to imagine anything had opened up in the span of a few hours. She stopped in front of a door just down the hall from where they’d been, chewing her lip nervously. 

“Now… this room only has one bed. It’s large and will easily sleep both of you comfortably, but you’ll be in close quarters.” She said, her voice apologetic. “I have one other available, but it's smaller; and the beds aren't as soft.”

“Aw, that’s fine. We’re used to being close. It’s dry, that’s enough for me right now.” Shiro said, shrugging dismissively. She looked between the two of them pensively before smiling.

“Thank you for being so understanding, dear; are you okay with it too, honey?” She asked, looking in Siegbert’s direction.

“O-of course! It’s fine. We hardly blame you for any of this, Madam.” She smiled gently, bowing her head slightly before making her way back down the stairs, leaving them with their bags and the key to their new room.

“Huh… well that was kind of weird at the end, wasn’t it?” Shiro asked, looking up at him. Siegbert hummed, trying to ignore the nagging feeling that she knew how he felt for the man beside him. “Well, let’s get settled in. I’m tired and I want to get back to bed.”

Siegbert nodded, sliding the key into the lock. Shiro moved past him and strode easily through the door, turning the lamp on to allow them a quick look around. The room before them was simple, but clean and charming. The bed looked comfortable, its sheets a soft powder blue, the pillows fluffy. The down comforter was a lovely quilt of varying hues of blue and looked plenty warm enough. He sighed and placed his bag by the door, watching as Shiro tossed himself bodily onto the bed.

“Oh… this is even nicer than our old beds. C’mon, Sieg; lay down.” Shiro said, stretching out happily, his back arching off the mattress. Siegbert felt his cheeks color as he watched the muscles in his chest and stomach flex with the movement; his eyes raking over his body, drinking in the perfect play of light and shadow over his skin. As his eyes trailed lower, he began to notice that Shiro wore no underwear, the bulge of his manhood obvious through the thin material of his night clothes.

His mind seemed to become lost as he gazed upon him, his thoughts filling with unfamiliar images. He could almost smell the headiness of Shiro’s skin, glistening with sweat as his strong thighs tensed and trembled under his hands, his mouth wrapped around him; the taste something foreign but not unwanted. He could almost feel Shiro’s hand in his hair, rubbing against his scalp and tugging at the white strands as his he gazed down at him through half lidded eyes; bright silver tarnished to a smoky gray. 

Taking a deep breath through his nose, Siegbert managed to force his gaze away; cursing himself as he did so. How could he allow himself to have such base thoughts? Where were they coming from? Shaking his head slightly, he cleared his throat. He needed to find his self control and the only way to do so would be to cover Shiro up, at least a little.

“A-aren’t you going to put a shirt on?” Siegbert asked, forcing himself to look up, even as his body began to awaken. He fought to ignore the tightness between his legs, wishing he could simply disappear.

Shiro groaned, struggling to sit up and frown across the room at him, his silver eyes searching his face for any signs of a joke. Siegbert tried to meet his gaze evenly, but even looking into his eyes was making him feel lightheaded. At length, Shiro shrugged.

“Well, if it bothers you I can. Toss me one, won’t you?” Shiro said, running a hand through his damp hair. Siegbert felt guilty as he went through Shiro’s bag for a shirt, but he just wasn’t sure he could stand to be so close to Shiro if he were bare chested. He found his body far too tempting as it was, and now; knowing just how little separated them, it was nigh impossible.

As he handed Shiro one of his thin cotton jinbeis, Shiro seemed to purposefully brush his fingers along his wrist and palm before taking the article from him. Gooseflesh rose up on his arm as a shiver threatened to shoot through him, the feeling of Shiro’s heated skin overwhelming him. 

“Thanks, Sieg. I’ll admit, my back is sore. I think I was a little rough on myself yesterday.” He said, slipping the garment on, tying it loosely. 

“Oh, did you push a little too hard in training?” Siegbert asked, carefully crawling into bed beside him, fluffing the pillows behind him as Shiro turned off the lamp.

“Yeah, I guess I did. I was a little on edge. Long trips stress me out.” Siegbert hummed thoughtfully, wishing he could reach out and take Shiro’s hand, or offer to massage the pain away. He knew he couldn’t though. Friends didn’t do things like that, and that was what they needed to remain.

“Well, a good night’s rest will help. Let’s just try to get some sleep.” Siegbert said, scooting slightly closer so that their bodies touched ever so slightly.

He was weak. All he wanted was to be with the wonderful person next to him. He wanted it so desperately that he couldn’t push the feelings aside; not now that he knew of them. He’d been trying to push Shiro away. He hadn’t allowed him to sleep beside him the night before, simply bidding him goodnight. His hurt look had been like a dagger to the chest, and it was all he could do not to pull him close. He’d wanted him to be close.

He’d not slept that night. He shivered and hugged the pillow Shiro had used those past several days; sniffing it occasionally, when the loneliness grew too much to bear. Thoughts of Shiro and Caeldori taunted him, the image of her kissing his cheek, joy clear on her face looping endlessly in his mind. What had he done to deserve such cruel mockery? Had he not been; at the very least, a decent person? He’d never harmed another out of anything other than self defense or thought to abuse his station. Why did his heart set itself so firmly on Shiro, the man he could never have?

It would be easier if he were selfish enough to feel as though he deserved him. At least then he would have the courage and try and win his heart. As it was now, he would smile and remain silent, wanting him until he died; wretched and alone, his heart forever belonging to the one who would never want it.

He’d tried to distance himself on their way there, keeping to himself, stubbornly ignoring Shiro’s troubled sighing and restless fidgeting, but in the end, it proved futile. He’d surrendered himself to Shiro’s waiting embrace gladly, succumbing to his exhaustion with a wistful sigh, breathing in the smell of his skin and hair. 

How would Caeldori feel, knowing that he wanted her man? Surely she would be angry. She would find him repulsive, conniving and unworthy of her. She would be right, of course. These feelings; this jealousy, was wrong and ugly. He had no right to want Shiro or feel the way he did.

Siegbert held his breath as Shiro shifted beside him, his arm draping across his ribs without a care. He was unaware of the disgusting thoughts that his innocent touch conjured. If he were, no doubt he’d never touch him or even look at him again. He would lose everything he had in an instant.

“Sieg, you need to go to sleep. You’re not gonna shake this illness if you don’t rest, yeah?” Siegbert’s heart fluttered at the affection in Shiro’s voice, cursing himself for being so stupid.

“S-sorry… was I bothering you?” 

“No, I just knew you weren’t asleep. Your heart is racing, you feeling okay?” Shiro asked, scooting closer, his body pressed against his back. Of course he would have noticed how his heart hammered against his ribs. He never had been much for personal space. He’d always acted as such. He couldn’t know what a disgusting person he was.

“Sieg?”

“O-of course, I just…” Shiro didn’t let him finish. He pulled him by the arm until he was lying on his back, propping himself up on his elbow so that he could look directly at him. In the dark room, Siegbert saw him mostly as the temperature of his body, but he could make out his frown. 

“Sieg, whatever excuse you’re about to give me, I know it’s not the whole truth; but I also know you don’t wanna tell me. I know you pretty well by now, so I’ll wait. You’ll come clean eventually.” Shiro sounded amused, oddly enough. Perhaps he’d grown so used to his lies that they no longer mattered to him. 

“I… I’m sorry, I just--”

“Shh. Everything’s fine. I know you just don’t want to feel like a bother. You’re not, but you’d like to think so.” Shiro chuckled and pulled him flush against his chest, sighing as he settled in. “Tell me when you’re ready. Let’s just go to sleep for now, okay?”  
***

“It seems you two had a rather rude awakening last night. I’m sorry to hear that.” His father said, tucking a blonde curl behind his ear. 

“Yeah, that was pretty shitty; but it is what it is, right?” Shiro asked, shrugging. 

“Shiro! Show some respect, you aren’t speaking to me. Xander will be an important part of your political life. You must learn to speak appropriately.” Ryoma admonished, clearly annoyed with his son’s rough speech.

“It’s fine, Ryoma. We’re hardly in a formal setting, and it’s not as though I’ve not said worse. Besides, allowing him to get comfortable speaking with me will help in those more formal settings, yes?” His father smiled softly as Ryoma shrugged before turning his attention on him. “Son, aren’t you hungry?” Siegbert looked up from his mostly untouched meal, prodding at his steak with no desire to take a bite. 

“A-apologies, Father. My mind had wandered.” He said, forcing himself to take a bite. His father frowned slightly, his amber eyes narrowing in suspicion. 

“It’s fine, I simply worry. You’ve lacked your usual appetite lately, even before you fell ill. I’m just concerned that the problem may be something else altogether.” Siegbert smiled, hoping it would be enough to assuage his father’s concern.

“Truly, Father. All is well, I’ll be myself again soon enough.” He said, the false confidence in his voice painfully obvious to him. It was hard to tell if the others notice, but they let it go regardless, continuing their conversation instead.

In truth, Siegbert had simply realized that he consumed far too much on his own and made a choice to cut back. There were several thousand men and women in their army, and it wasn’t right for him to eat enough to feed three normal human men in a day, not when there were others that needed it more. He’d not die if he went to bed a little hungry from time to time, and he’d much rather know everyone else had gotten their fill instead.

“Shiro, we’d like for you to join us today. It will be a good learning experience for you.” Ryoma said. Shiro frowned and crossed his arms. 

“What about Sieg? Shouldn’t he come, too?” Shiro asked.

“Siegbert has already studied the judicial process and the long trip no doubt took a toll on him, he needs to rest.” His father said, nodding firmly. 

“And I recall your tutors telling me you were conveniently absent for this particular lesson, Shiro. I believe this will do nicely as a way to make it up.” Ryoma added, a smug smile on his face.

“Ugh, you are just the worst sometimes.”

“Now you know why I made you pack something formal. Now, finish your meal and get cleaned up. I expect you to look presentable. I can’t have you embarrassing me.”

“Oh what the fu--”

“Shiro.”

In spite of feeling unnecessary and unwanted, Siegbert couldn’t help but chuckle at the way Shiro and his father behaved. It was nothing like he and his own father. He would never dream of questioning his father for anything other than clarification, and he’d certainly never respond in such a crude, antagonistic way. 

He looked down at the table, his chuckle dying out when Ryoma fixed him with a cool stare, his mouth set in a serious line. At times he forgot the man disliked him so. He needed to remember to be more respectful in the future. He didn’t want him to find any more fault with him, he may decide that Shiro needed other friends.

“C’mon Sieg, let’s leave these geezers to their breakfast. Apparently, I have work to do.” Siegbert stood and bowed, following Shiro wordlessly up the stairs, his mind buzzing with thoughts of being left behind.  
***   
Shiro emerged from their shared bath, his hair still damp, moist skin rendering his white juban transparent. Siegbert forced himself to look at his book instead of the powerful muscles of his chest. 

He dressed quickly in a simple black robe, taking care to ensure the layers laid flat, everything neat and orderly. As handsome as he looked, it didn’t really suit him. Shiro looked best in his signature red, informal and relaxed, his perfect collarbones proudly displayed by the loose collar of his yukata. Siegbert desperately missed his tight fitting pants with their diamond shaped cutouts, teasing him with the smooth, taut skin of his legs. The man standing before him now, in his orderly robes wasn’t his Shiro.

“Shit, my hair is impossible.” Shiro grumbled, glaring at the unruly mop of thick, dark hair in the mirror. “Could you help me? You’re probably better at this. My dad will have a fit if I go out there with my hair sticking up all over the place.” Siegbert was on his feet before he even realized it, already searching his bag for a comb and pomade. 

“Certainly. We can’t have him getting angry with you. Let’s see if we can’t get this mess to behave.” 

Siegbert combed his fingers through the dark locks, relishing the texture of them. He could almost imagine twining his fingers in them, sighing happily against Shiro’s lips as they moved together, the kiss soft and loving; or tugging on them desperately as Shiro’s hands and mouth explored his skin, his back arching as teeth nipped at his neck. 

“You…. okay?” Shiro’s voice cut through his daydream, dragging him out of his arms and back into reality. 

“W-what?” He could feel his face growing unbearably hot and sweat prickle at the nape of his neck, but he feigned ignorance regardless.

“You’ve just been… petting my hair with this dreamy look on your face.” Shiro said, a hint of amusement in his voice. Siegbert avoided his gaze in the mirror, stammering uselessly as he began to sort out his hair.

“I-I’m sorry… it just… felt nice, I suppose.” He finished lamely, chewing his lip. He hated himself for being so pathetic, but he couldn’t lie, either. Shiro’s hair did feel nice. 

“Hey, thanks! I always thought it was a little rough, but I guess it’s not as bad as I thought. I feel better about it, so… thanks, really.” Shiro said, his tone becoming serious. Siegbert could scarcely believe that Shiro felt self conscious about anything; he was perfect as he was.

“You’re welcome…” Siegbert murmured, keeping his eyes fixed on his task, gently combing through Shiro’s hair in an attempt to understand how it should lay. It was unruly at best, but Siegbert had forced Kana’s to cooperate, so surely he could tame Shiro’s as well. 

They fell silent as he worked, Shiro’s eyes sliding shut as a look of pure bliss came over his face. The pleased look that took over his features made his breath catch and his heart flutter. Shiro never looked so at ease. Usually, even when he was at rest, he still seemed to thrum with energy. Here, he seemed completely relaxed and it was something he never wanted to forget. He made Shiro like this. Not Caeldori, but him. It was a small victory, and not one that truly mattered in the grand scheme of things, but it was something. It couldn’t go on forever, though. 

“There. Hopefully that’ll be enough to satisfy your father.” Siegbert said, hoping his disappointment didn’t show on his face as he stepped away. Shiro’s eyes flickered open, inspecting himself in the mirror. 

“Huh. Not bad. Way better than I could have managed anyway. Thanks, Sieg.” Shiro said, standing begrudgingly. “I actually look pretty good, huh?” Siegbert couldn’t disagree more. He wanted nothing more than to run his hands through his hair and mess up the now tidy locks and see him in his perfect state. That was when he was most handsome. He only became better looking as he became more disheveled. Shiro first thing in the morning, with stubble adorning his strong jaw was a sight to behold; and he’d seen it first. 

“Y-yes… very handsome. I’m sure you’re father will be pleased.” He said, instantly regretting the addition of ‘handsome.’ He shouldn’t say things like that. Shiro seemed surprised, but pleased; grinning as though his compliment bolstered his confidence.

“Thanks! You’re just full of compliments today aren’t you?” Shiro’s chuckle was warm, his eyes fond as he appraised him. “I’m sorry I have to leave you alone.” 

“It’s fine, Shiro. Father is right, the trip did tire me out. I promise that I can entertain myself, so you needn’t worry. Really… I’m glad I don’t have to go.” Siegbert said solemnly, leaning forward slightly. “Don’t tell Father I said so, but I hated this lesson. It’s so incredibly dull, and everything is in old Nohrian.” Shiro groaned miserably, rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Great. If you found it dull, I’m going to die of boredom before the day’s out.” Siegbert’s reply died on his lips as a knock came upon the door, Ryoma’s voice calling out for Shiro to hurry. Shiro reached out and clasped him firmly by the shoulder, a stern look on his face. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, no work okay? Just rest.”

Siegbert nodded, watching as Shiro left him; already feeling lonely. The door snapped shut with a finality he hadn’t expected, and suddenly, he found that he’d not felt so alone in a very long time.  
***  
From his place in the balcony, he could see everything. He could see the ladies fanning themselves below, shushing their fussy children, the men listened to the magistrate’s dry baritone with either complete rapture or utter boredom, there was no in between. Only the families that were directly affected truly seemed to care.

Instead of trying to follow the discourse below, Shiro found himself focusing on Xander. His reaction to all this was ultimately what would decide the man’s fate. Xander was his commander as well as his soon to be king. His father was there to keep Xander neutral, but it hadn’t really seemed it would be an issue.

On the carriage ride to the city’s town hall, he’d thought to ask the elder prince what he thought on the matter and he’d shown nothing but disdain for the man. He himself had to admit it didn’t look good for him. 

‘In the past, before Nohr fell on such hard times, crimes like these were punished harshly. I remember a time when the accused were considered guilty until proven otherwise. Women do not typically go out of their way to accuse penniless militia men of rape.’

Siegbert had said something similar when the accusation had originally come up. He felt the same way when he really considered it. She had nothing to gain, no reason to accuse him in particular; unless she was either mistaking him for the real culprit, or it had truly been him. That she was raped was not the question. It was simply a matter of discerning who exactly had done it. For now though, his guilt seemed certain. What his punishment would be was yet to be seen, but from what little he’d seen of the Nohrian judicial system, it would likely end in death.

Sighing, Shiro leaned back in his chair, his eyes still fixed on Xander. Siegbert didn’t seem aware of it, but he looked quite a lot like his father. While it was true that he was leaner and had inherited a lot of his mother’s beauty, he could easily see Xander looking much the same when he was younger. In truth, when one really focused on him, Xander had quite delicate features himself, he just looked more severe. Siegbert had inherited his small, full mouth and high cheekbones; he had nothing to worry about.

He hated that someone so beautiful was uncomfortable with their looks. Why couldn’t he see that he’d inherited the best of both of them? Corrin’s snowy hair and fair skin paired beautifully with Xander’s pouty lips; and his face would only grow more handsome as he aged. For now, he resembled a character from a Chevalier fresco with his soft cheeks and perfect bow shaped lips. What would it take to make him see it?

He needed to tell him how he felt. Surely if he admitted that he found him to be beautiful both inside and out, he’d begin to see it. He’d say it as many times as it took for him to believe it, and then he wouldn’t stop until death silenced him forever. Siegbert deserved to know that he was the very picture of perfection.  
***  
The heat from the water and the smell of medicinal herbs had a soothing effect on him, in spite of his blunder earlier. Siegbert sighed as he let his eyes drift closed, allowing the blend of chamomile and stinging nettle to sooth his skin and relax his taut muscles. 

Midori had shoved various items into his arms the day before they left, rambling on about the benefits of each one and how they’d help him feel better. He had to admit he’d been a little skeptical at first, but he was fast becoming a believer.

She’d urged him to try each one, even the things that seemed strange. After reading her handwritten directions, most of them were for the skin; save the bath oil which had the dual purpose of assisting with his aches, and a thick, strong smelling salve which was meant specifically to increase the flow of blood to his muscles. 

‘Shiro can help you apply this to your back. It’ll help, I promise.’ She’d chirped, unaware that Shiro rubbing his bare skin in such a way would cause him discomfort in an entirely different way. He’d smiled regardless and thanked her. She only wanted to help, and he knew that if she believed that it would work, then he should at least try it. 

He shivered as he imagined Shiro’s callused hands massaging the cream into his back, his pace slow and leisurely, his voice a low murmur in his ear. He would give anything for him touch him in such a loving way, as if he were something fragile and special that deserved to be cherished. Shaking his head, he reached for the first jar he’d laid out. 

It was filled to the top with salt and olive oil, the smell of mint and lemon obvious to him. This was nothing new to him, Nohrian nobility were always trying to look their best and the skin was the key to beauty. He’d not used something so luxurious since he’d joined the army. Without hesitation, he scooped out a generous amount and began to massage it over his body and face, being sure to use gentle, circular motions. 

The next jar was filled with what seemed to be a thick, sticky clay and powdered charcoal. While it wasn’t something he’d personally used, he’d seen his aunt use facial masks plenty of times. It seemed Midori was intent on forcing him to pamper himself for some reason. He would need to run a fresh bath to clean himself properly after all this, but it wasn’t as though he had anywhere else to be. He would humor her, even if he felt silly and pretentious in doing so.  
***  
Standing before the mirror, he dipped down into the final jar Midori had gifted him. He’d not had such a thick, luxurious moisturizing cream in a long time, and he would gladly take advantage of it while he had it. As he spread it liberally on his skin, he was surprised by the gentle scent of honey. She’d really taken great pains to create something that would benefit his skin in particular; something he’d not expected. How had she even known what he needed? His mother perhaps?

Looking at himself in the mirror, his skin looked bright and healthy, something it certainly hadn’t been in a while. He’d not given much thought to it; dry, dull skin was hardly life and death, it was to be expected as they couldn’t afford expensive creams and ointments. Inexpensive lotions from general stores were enough to keep his skin from cracking painfully, it was enough for someone like him.

Perhaps if he were beautiful like his mother or handsome like his father, it would be worth the money; but as he was, it did nothing but waste what little they had. Midori had done something truly kind for him, he’d be sure to return the favor later.

Standing there alone in his robe, he almost felt confident. He could almost see himself being good enough for someone; that somewhere, someone would see him and think that he was lovely. Shaking his head, he pushed the wish aside. It would never happen, surely if he hated the way he looked, so did everyone else. He didn’t think he was ugly for no reason, after all. No matter how many times his Auntie Camilla called him cute, it wouldn’t change the truth. She told everyone they were cute, from his handsome father to the truly cute Sakura; so it hardly counted.

He gave himself one more once over in the mirror and pulled his robe tighter around himself; turning away in disgust. He’d always enjoyed lounging about in his robe when given the chance. There was no reason not to while he was alone. The silk felt wonderful on his freshly scrubbed and moisturized skin. He could worry about looking proper and princely later. As guilty as he felt for sitting around doing nothing, it was what he was there for. There was nothing else for it.

With a resigned sigh, he settled onto the bed, the novel Shiro’s uncle had given him in hand. It had been calling his name for days now, but he’d been too ill to really concentrate on it. Takumi had enthusiastically given him his copy, pleased that he was interested in Hoshidan literature. He liked Takumi. He’d thought he was harsh and intimidating at first, but he was actually quite… sweet. 

He’d actually come to visit him while Shiro had been out earlier that week. It seemed Shiro had told him he liked being read to, as he’d come with a tray of tea and a book of Hoshidan folk tales. He’d been so enthralled by the stories that he’d managed to stay awake to finish his tea, in spite of how tired he was. Takumi had humored him, reading to him without complaint. 

Of all people, he’d never expected Hoshido’s second prince to like him, but it certainly seemed that he did. He always told him he did well or offered praise, even when he hadn’t done anything particularly impressive. He often wondered if Takumi somehow knew that he felt useless and weak and wanted to make him feel better. Whatever the reason, he appreciated him and his kindness.  
***  
Shiro groaned as he ascended the stairs. It had grown dark in the time he’d been away. He’d wanted to go for a nice walk with Siegbert so they could orient themselves to their surroundings, since they’d be there several days, but it looked as though they’d have to do it the next day. Unfortunately, there was a festival and they’d be navigating through throngs of people; on the upside though, it would give him an excuse to hold Siegbert’s hand.

Guilt shot through him as he remembered how he’d had to leave him alone all day. While it was true that Siegbert enjoyed his alone time more than most, he got lonely easily; he’d probably be glad to see him.

With the image of Siegbert’s relieved smile and quiet enthusiasm as he greeted him in mind, he sped his pace; making it to the door of their shared room in record time. Without preamble, he stepped inside, closing the door behind him with a gentle ‘click.’ 

His greeting died on his tongue as he was greeted by a rare and wonderful sight. His face and neck heated as he took it all in. 

Siegbert sat upon their bed, pillows piled up behind him, a thick book in his hands; dainty fingers turning the worn pages and toying with a curly lock of hair. His pale skin seemed to almost glow in the lamp light, made only brighter by his black robe. 

The robe itself was simple, but elegant; made of black silk and it left nearly nothing to the imagination. It was thin and airy, and all but falling from Siegbert’s shoulders. Every move he made caused the garment to slip further, revealing more and more of Siegbert’s body to his hungry eyes.

Siegbert was wholly unaware of him, so engrossed in his book that he paid no mind to anything else. His expression was one of pure happiness, his eyes flickering across the page as he nibbled on his bottom lip. Shiro stifled a groan as heat welled within him as he imagined those plush, reddened lips on his own, or wrapped around his cock as hazy bordeaux eyes looked up at him. 

His eyes trailed down, taking in the pale column of his neck; the skin there unmarked by anything or anyone, pure as fresh snow. The jut of his collarbone melted into the hard planes of his strong chest, his pink nipples proudly on display and perked from the cool air. His long legs curled under him, the robe riding high on his thighs, providing only a teasing glimpse of his perfect rear. Shiro’s mind ran wild with thoughts of lying between those strong legs, Siegbert’s soft voice pitching higher as he trembled with pleasure.

He would give anything to strip him bare and slowly explore his body, pleasing him until he lay panting and sated on the mattress; all wet curls and a sweet, sleepy smile. No one could ever hope to be more beautiful than he was in that moment. He would worship him, gladly prostrating himself between his thighs, his mouth busy tasting his perfect skin until Siegbert could stand it no longer.

Perhaps a quiet moan had managed to slip through his control, or Siegbert had simply decided it was time to look up, but suddenly Shiro found himself eye to eye with the beautiful man on the bed; still so enraptured by his beauty that the pretty pink flush on his soft cheeks did nothing but excite him further. Siegbert was the first to react.

“O-oh gods! I’m s-so sorry, Shiro!” He squeaked, pulling his robe tightly around himself. With the tempting expanse of moonlight skin hidden from view, Shiro became very aware of his own body and the nearly painful ache in his groin; his cock straining viciously against his fundoshi. 

“S-sorry! I didn’t see anything, I swear!” He yelped, flinging himself into their shared bath, the door slamming behind him. Panting, he let his head fall back against the wood, his eyes closing as memories of perfect pale skin and full, flushed lips danced across his mind.

He’d accepted his love for Siegbert, but he hadn’t expected to be faced with desire so soon. He’d known Siegbert was striking, but to see it on display like that was more than he could bear. It had been all he could not to join him on the bed, his mouth making a wet trail down his neck, his tongue and teeth nipping and tasting as his hands tore the flimsy silk away. He needed to see what it had been hiding from him now. 

With a smile, he let his hand trail downward, pushing his hakama away to free himself from the merciless grasp of his fundoshi. As his hand wrapped around his cock, he shamelessly imagined Siegbert’s reddened mouth and the barest hint of sharp teeth pricking against the delicate skin; not enough to hurt, but plenty to intrigue him. 

With his free hand, he stifled the moan that threatened to bubble up past his lips; his eyes screwing shut as his imagination ran wild. He knew he could never come back from this. He wanted all of Siegbert, not just the easy, safe parts. He would take on the dangerous and difficult just as gladly. He loved him, he hungered for him, and he needed him. He would make him his, even if it took time. It wasn’t an option anymore.


	7. Saccharine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siegbert's worries and self esteem issues get in the way of what would have otherwise been Shiro's perfect date. Siegbert is dense and too busy being down on himself to realize that Shiro is flirting with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used a lot of my family's heritage and folklore to come up with Nohrian traditions since I already had it available. 
> 
> Also; oxygala is a dairy product that was popular in Greece and Rome, it is essentially yogurt. 
> 
> I'm basing any and all wealth related stuff off of D&D rules, in which a single gold piece would feed a family of 4 for an entire month.

The sound of birds chirping woke him early, but the rumbling snores next to him ensured he wouldn’t go back to sleep. Shiro’s snores could likely wake the dead, and while he didn’t exactly enjoy them, he took solace in knowing she would have to learn to put up with them; just as he did.   
Rolling to face Shiro, Siegbert smiled; his cheeks heating at the memory of what had passed between them the night before. 

He’d lost track of time; the novel Takumi had lent him so interesting that he’d not even heard Shiro enter. He was shamefully exposed thanks to his own squirming about in attempts to be comfortable, and before he knew it Shiro was there, staring at him with a strange expression on his face. He hadn’t been able to decide if it was confusion or something else entirely he’d seen in his eyes. It had only made him feel more exposed than he already was.

Shiro had emerged from their private bath, sometime later; freshly bathed and looking more like himself, smiling ruefully at him as though he’d been caught doing something inappropriate. He didn’t look sorry, simply embarrassed. 

‘Sorry Sieg, I didn’t mean to startle you. You looked so happy, I didn’t want to interrupt you.’ He had been happy. It was the most comfortable he’d felt in his own skin in a long time, but he still wished he hadn’t been seen. Shiro’s eyes on him made him feel hideous, reminding him of how undesirable he actually was.

He knew that his body was; at least functionally, ideal for his roll. He was tall with long enough reach to strike true from atop a horse, and years of conditioning had made him physically strong, but that alone didn’t make him attractive or desirable. He wasn’t built like Shiro was; strong and muscular in an artistic way. He was wiry and thin, his muscle densely corded and prominent, but it was all he was, there was nothing soft or pleasant about his body. 

The desire he thought he glimpsed in Shiro’s eyes was a trick of the lamp light and his own desires; even disgust could look soft in the orange glow of gas lamps, after all. Sighing, Siegbert managed to haul himself from the bed and away from the alluring warmth of the body next to him. He wanted to get cleaned up and dressed before Shiro woke; that way, there was no chance of that ever happening again. To see Shiro looking at him like that once more would undo him.

A sleepy hum and the creaking of the bed stopped him in his tracks, keeping him from moving any further. As he turned to look back, he was greeted by the sight of a sleepy, disheveled Shiro smiling at him from the mound of blankets on the bed.

“Good morning, Sieg.” He murmured, stretching his arms happily over his head; groaning deeply.

“G-good morning, Shiro.” He said, his voice barely louder than a whisper. “It’s still very early, if you want to go back to sleep, you can.”

“Nah, I’m good. Did you sleep well?” Siegbert nodded, his cheeks warming slightly. How could he not? Shiro had been there, pressed firmly against his back; close in spite of everything that had come to pass the night before.

“Do you have to go with your father again?” Siegbert asked, quietly hoping that he wouldn’t, that he could stay with him. 

“I won’t even if he says I have to. That was so damn boring, I thought I was gonna fall asleep.” Siegbert giggled at the idea of Shiro falling asleep in the middle of a crowded courtroom, his head falling back against his chair, his loud snores echoing off the rafters. Ryoma would be mortified. 

“I did warn you that it would be dull.” He said matter of factly, sitting on the edge of the bed. 

“Yeah, and I still wasn’t ready for it. The only interesting thing that happened was your dad breaking up a fist fight, and even that was pretty dull. No one really seemed all that worried.”

“That’s normal. Nohrians will fight each other anywhere, be it a courtroom, a funeral or tavern.” Shiro chuckled, shaking his head slightly.

“You wouldn’t know it to see you and your family. The way you say it, it makes it sound like brawling is Nohr’s favorite national pastime.” 

“My fencing instructor put it best. There’s not much to do in Nohr save drink, fight and…” He trailed off, embarrassment keeping him from finishing his sentence. Shiro filled in the blanks rather easily, laughter filling their room.

“You can’t say that word, huh? What’s wrong Sieg, do dirty words make your skin crawl?” Shiro’s tone was teasing, but it did little to alleviate his embarrassment. It wasn’t the word itself that gave him pause, but rather its meaning in this context.

“I dislike swearing.” Shiro sighed, reaching out to ruffle his hair affectionately. 

“That’s okay, Sieg. I got the picture.” Silence fell between them then, Shiro stretched out onto his back, looking up at the ceiling; his arms folded behind his head. Siegbert did his best to focus on anything besides him. If he looked too long at him, his desire to be close would war with his sense. “Hey, can I ask you a question? It might be a little personal, but I’m curious.”

“I… I don’t mind. We’re friends, aren’t we? We should be able to talk to each other about anything.” Shiro smiled apprehensively, running a hand through his hair. Siegbert’s fingers itched to do the same.

“What was your time in the deep realms like? I’ve told you about mine a little… but you’ve never talked about it.” Shiro said, still looking at the ceiling. Siegbert nibbled his lip in thought, thinking back to how things had been. How did he describe it? Every day seemed to blend together now, a solid stream of endless loneliness and worry; never knowing if his parents and loved ones would return. He feared the worst every time they left, and slowly, those fears became something else entirely. ‘What if they don’t want me?’

“I… I was lonely. There wasn’t much to do other than study and train.” He said, shrugging simply. “I stayed in the manor as I was told and the children in the village avoided me. I was strange to them, and they never let me forget my otherness. They weren’t cruel to me; but their avoidance of me was enough.” Shiro sat up and turned to face him, his expression placid. 

“So… you didn’t have anyone you could call your friend?” 

There had been one. She had been a maid in the house, two years his senior and always quick with a quip or smile; her name had been Sabine. At times, he wondered if he’d imagined her; but the mark she’d made on his life was real. She would make him smile when the loneliness grew too hard to bear and would sneak him sweets. It had been her presence that made the void in his life just a little smaller; but like all things, it couldn’t last.

He’d been terribly ill; as was often the case, and she had thought the fresh air would serve him well. She’d taken him out for a stroll, which usually wasn’t a problem; but this day ended in disaster. Sabine couldn’t have predicted that there would be a bandit raid and while they’d escaped the ensuing skirmish unharmed, she had been flogged mercilessly for her “carelessness.” Her cries of pain still bounced around his head sometimes when it was quiet. His caretaker had her sent away not long after that, and his only friend vanished. 

After that, books, maps and the aches of training were all he remembered. Nothing else mattered and it was easier to endure his loneliness. His parents came less and less, too busy with the baby and war; but it was okay, because as long as he worked hard, they’d bring him home. He just needed to prove that he was worth keeping.

“I had one. She was good to me, despite my being a sickly weakling.” He said. He couldn’t convey what Sabine had been for him in those days in words, only that even now, he thanked her.

“Good to you, huh? Is this where you tell me you two got caught in a broom closet together?” 

“S-Shiro! That is abhorrent! No. She wasn’t that kind of friend, for heaven’s sake I was just a child at the time.” He groused, but Shiro’s grin didn’t slip. “I’ve… never done anything like that, not that it’s surprising, I suppose.” Shiro hummed quietly, his grin morphing into something more affectionate. 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of. To be honest… if I could go back I would. I think I’d be happier if it had meant something; but I guess life is a learning experience, huh?”

“That it is.” 

“What do you plan on doing after all this, Sieg?” Shiro asked suddenly, rolling onto his side to face him. Siegbert toyed with a stray lock of hair while he thought, his mind racing as he tried to pick what was likely to happen out from his desires. 

“Whatever I am told, I suppose. No doubt Father will have orders for me, and there is always work to be done. What about you?” His heart fell as he came to the realization that all of this would end. They would no longer see each other every single day; instead separated by borders and miles upon miles of land, and once they left Velance… this would end as well. Shiro would no longer lay beside him and ask him questions about himself as though he actually cared, nor would he tell him about himself. She would replace him at Shiro’s side, and he would be left to wish and wonder.

“I dunno. Travel, I guess? There’s a whole world out there I haven’t seen, after all and I’m still so young. I need to see more and learn if I’m ever going to live up to my old man’s expectations… and it would be good to know where I fit in the world.” He said, his tone thoughtful. “I would like to settle down sometime, though.” Shiro smiled, looking wistfully up at the ceiling, as though the idea of “settling down” was appealing. He couldn’t be surprised, not when he had her. “What do you think? Don’t you want to live a little before getting bogged down in the court?”

“I…” He did. He wanted to see the world, to laugh and hold hands with him as they walked, unburdened, through town. He wanted to see the sun set over the ocean, to count stars; wrapped in a blanket atop a hill. He wanted to do so much. “I’m sure I’ll have chances to travel. Father would want me to know our kingdom and her neighbors, after all.” Shiro snorted; an easy, lopsided grin spreading over his face.

“What a very Siegbert-like answer. Gods you’re gonna end up married with kids before you even get to do anything fun.” Siegbert cleared his throat, his cheeks heating slightly. Shiro was wrong, of course. He couldn’t have the one who owned his heart, so why would he rush to do such things?

“I… don’t know about that. I don’t see myself getting married any time soon; it’ll likely be a political match made out of necessity.” 

“You’re joking right? You’re not actually gonna let someone else choose who you marry are you? Sieg… that’s a person you’ll be stuck with your whole life; you don’t want it to be someone you don’t like, yeah? Have you seriously never met someone that you could see yourself with forever?”

Siegbert shook his head sadly. The only people his age that he knew well were those he’d met thanks to the war. The only one he wanted, the one who had awoken not only his longing for more physical displays of love, but the emotional ones as well, lay on the bed beside him. Before only recently, he’d never experienced desire. The thought of pleasuring himself disgusted him, and the thought of anyone but Shiro doing it was even worse. 

“I didn’t get to go out much as a child, Shiro; you know this already. I mostly studied and trained so that I could be the best successor my father could hope for. To be honest Shiro I… have never experienced the same desires other people my age do. And love… love feels unattainable for someone like me.” Siegbert found himself picking absently at a fraying patch on the quilt, his eyes moist. 

“What?! Sieg, honestly. Nothing is out of your reach. Anyone would be happy to have you… you’re amazing!”

“I… I don’t know about that, Shiro. I’m--”

“Nah, you’re amazing; trust me. I mean, you’re smart, you have a good sense of humor, you’re a good person… there’s nothing about you that would keep someone from loving you. Sure, you can be a downer sometimes and you are way too hard on yourself, but that’s not a deal breaker.” Shiro’s tone was warm and sincere, his silver eyes meeting his fearlessly. He was trying hard to make him feel better, but something held him back.

If all that was true and Shiro truly felt that he was amazing… why did he choose her? If anyone would be happy to be at his side, if he loved so much about him and could think of nowhere else he’d rather be than here with him; then why didn’t he love him? 

It wasn’t fair. He understood Shiro’s thoughts and knew his fears better than anyone else, he knew how it felt to be a prince and the son of a great man with high expectations. He could support and comfort him better than she ever could. What did she have to offer that he couldn’t give?

Shame and disgust rolled away in his stomach immediately, his heart aching. How could he think such things about a perfectly lovely, sweet girl whose only crime was that she loved someone? She was his friend and Shiro was free to love who he wished. If he thought such things, then he deserved Shiro’s love even less than he’d first thought. These feelings were abhorrent and his behavior unexcusable; and yet, he didn’t know how to rid himself of it. No matter how he told himself that it was wrong, he couldn’t stop loving him.

“Sieg?” 

“Hm?” Shiro had since sat up and reached out carefully, his hand cupping his cheek with a gentleness he’d only experienced in his dreams. The touch was warm and almost unbearably intimate, but Shiro was always breaking down boundaries between them. This familiarity and affection was just one of his many charms.

“I don’t care what you think on this. I’m telling you the only truth I know.” He said, pulling him close. It was hardly the first time he’d done such, it seemed he’d spent more time pressed against him in recent days than not; but it felt different this time. “You’re amazing to me, Sieg. Nothing is ever gonna change my mind, okay?” Confusion swirled in his mind, dizzying in its intensity, but the warmth of Shiro’s affection made it impossible for him to doubt it; at least for now.   
***  
Siegbert relished the buttery, flaky croissants and the tartness of the fresh berries; he’d not had such fresh fruit or pastry since he’d left the safety of the manor, and while it felt trite, he missed this. He missed drinking real tea in leisure, and marmalade on his toast. He missed oxygala and honey. It was nice to have all this once again, and it was made even sweeter with Shiro there.

“Have I ever told you that I really like Nohrian tea? I’ll be honest, it’s something I’m always psyched about when I’m with you and your family.” Shiro said, sipping his tea. He smiled happily, holding his mug between his hands as though he were clutching something precious. 

“I hadn’t noticed you leaping for joy at tea time, but now that you mention it… you always seemed to be around when we decided to sit down. I hadn’t realized it was because you were just keen on joining us.” Siegbert laughed lightly, sipping his own tea; enjoying the way the spiciness of it flooded his mouth. “Do you have a favorite?”

“I’m not sure, really… I notice that you guys tend to take turns choosing what kind we drink; which is pretty neat. I usually like the ones you pick most, though.” He said, tapping his mug as though proving his point.

Siegbert hid his smile behind the rim of his mug, warmth bubbling up in his chest. Knowing that Shiro shared his tastes in tea was a silly thing to be happy about, but he couldn’t help himself. He often daydreamed about watching rain patter on the glass, warm and safe indoors with a cup of tea and Shiro’s arms around him. 

“I’m glad you enjoy it so much, Shiro. Do you like your breakfast by the way?”

“Yeah, it’s great! What’re these called again?” 

“Croissants. They’re not always plain like these, but I like these best. It just means you get to put what you want on them.” He said, taking a bite.

“Yeah, these are really nice. I like how soft they are. Man… I need to figure out a way to really let you try Hoshidan food. I know you’ve had some simple things, but what we can make in camp is nothing like what we could have if things were so rough.” 

“Yes, I’ve often noticed that. We’ve all had to simplify our national cuisine so that we can feed our army, which is a pity. Even from those simple dishes I’ve had, I quite like it.” Shiro grinned, his happiness obvious. Sharing each other’s cultures like this felt good; it was what was needed if they ever wanted to understand each other and why things were the way they were. It was a part of what had truly let he and Shiro become friends, after all. 

“Yeah… you know, I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of Hoshidans here; maybe we’ll get lucky and there’ll be a few food stands around.” Shiro said, his tone hopeful. 

“That doesn’t surprise me. Velance is a trade city, and it sits very close to the Nohr-Hoshido border. Trade is all that matters here.”

“You know a lot about this stuff, huh?” Shiro asked, popping a berry into his mouth.

“It’s important to know about these things; these independent city-states are Nohr’s best trade partners and often the only way we can get luxuries.” Siegbert said, shrugging. Shiro looked slightly abashed, reaching out to pat his hand. 

“Sorry. I forgot that Nohr was struggling so much…” 

“Oh, no… it’s okay. We need reforms and a lot of time, but eventually we’ll heal. For now, we’ll just have to rely on our trade partners and our own stubbornness until then.” Shiro smiled, squeezing his hand reassuringly before returning to his meal.

“You people have grit, that’s for sure. I know that with people like you leading it, Nohr will be a kingdom to be proud of again; and I’ll be there for you. I’m not gonna just disappear after all this… I… want to stay with you.” Siegbert was taken aback, his cheeks heating as Shiro’s took on a dusky hue. He wanted to stay with him? What was he saying? “Anyway, let’s finish eating and get out of here. I want to take a walk before the festival gets started, maybe buy my mom a gift. She works hard and deserves a present.”

The conversation died awkwardly as they returned to their meals, Shiro’s hand still sitting atop his, a comfortable weight to keep his mind off less pleasant things. Shiro downed his tea, seemingly melting into his chair, his eyes fixed on the window behind their table, watching people as they came and went. It was another calm moment that Siegbert would cherish, even when Shiro no longer wished to remain with him. 

“You ready, Sieg? I’m ready to get started. There’s a lot to do and see, and only so many hours in a day.” Siegbert nodded and allowed himself to be pulled away, his hand still clasped in Shiro’s; even as they exited the inn and headed into the street. Perhaps his excitable friend just didn’t notice, but regardless, he had no intention on correcting it. He would let himself have this, at least for today.  
***  
Shiro had pulled him along down the streets all morning, only letting go of his hand when absolutely necessary. They’d probably seen every permanent shop in the whole town, laughing together when they saw something that reminded them of a friend. Shiro had managed to find a lovely, but understated mother of pearl hair comb for his mother. He’d managed to find a simple brooch for his own, its highly polished cabochon of carnelian a perfect match for her eyes. 

As they made their way back to the square, they came upon a young girl with a burgeoning basket of brightly colored flowers, the blooms heralding the end of summer as they marched steadily towards autumn; not that it made much difference in Nohr’s colder climate. Shiro surprised him by paying for a bright red chrysanthemum, tucking it behind his ear. The girl giggled, her young face full of joy as she looked up at them.

“You look handsome, Milord. That color suits you.” She chirped, curtseying before scampering away, presumably to buy a treat at one of the stalls for herself. Siegbert reached up uncertainly, letting his fingers trail gently over the velvety petals. 

“I didn’t notice, but now we kind of match, huh?” He said, indicating the splash of bright crimson against his pale hair and skin. 

“I-I guess w-we do…” He managed, the strangeness of the circumstance still twisting his thoughts into a confusing jumble of hope and joy. Joy. Once again, Shiro wouldn’t know it, but the chrysanthemum was thought to bring joy to all those who saw it. Why did everything Shiro do seem to come back to this love and the hope that it wasn’t out of his reach? Why did he hold his hand so naturally, and smile at him so easily, as though he was his entire world?

“Come on Sieg. It looks like the festival is finally kicking off, let’s see what there is to do.” Shiro said, leading him in the direction of a violinist and a dancer. Siegbert was reminded of the few times he’d glimpsed Lazlow dancing, and found her familiar. They looked nothing alike, of course. This young woman was darker of complexion, her smooth skin glowing beautifully in the sunlight, the dark braided hair bouncing along with her every move; she was lovely. It wasn’t her looks or even her dance that reminded him so of Lazlow, but rather the concentration and passion for she had for her craft. 

Seeing someone enjoying themselves and their art so thoroughly made him happy as well, which only served to make the scene more beautiful in the end. They tipped her and her violinist generously once she’d finished, their bright gold pieces standing out among the coppers and the handful of silver pieces much like they themselves.

The town square was strung with wreaths and garlands of chrysanthemums and apple boughs, silk ribbons in shades of gold, red and and orange, and rosemary; the later was also thrown into a large brazier in the very center, an old Nohrian practice meant to ward off evil spirits. 

Siegbert found himself overwhelmed by all the sights and smells, and was suddenly thankful for Shiro’s hand in his. Having such a solid, familiar tether to reality kept him from becoming panicked in this sea of strangers. 

All around them, men, women and children danced and sang. The women wore white or other light colors, their hair loose and adorned with flowers, sachets of salt and herbs hanging at their waists for protection and luck.

Siegbert knew these folk beliefs in theory. He’d had to study them just as he’d had to study court manners and combat. It was important for a prince to know and understand his own customs, after all… but he’d never been allowed to go to these kinds of events. His caretakers had been very much against letting him go to festivals, but he couldn’t help but feel it did more harm than good. 

“Man, this is one hell of a spectacle. I’ve been to festivals, but this is a lot different from mine. What’s with the smoke and all that?” He asked, watching as a woman tossed a bundle of rosemary onto the flames. 

“Oh… it’s… to ward off evil spirits. Rosemary is thought to cleanse the area of negativity; it’s always done at large gatherings like these. Evil spirits would be drawn to such a large crowd. If you notice, they’re also wearing little pouches of salt and what is likely rosemary and obsidian. Autumn is the season in which we let go of old grievances so that they don’t linger over the winter. There’ll be another festival much like this one on the first day of spring.”

“That’s really interesting. I guess I never really thought about Nohrians as spiritual people, you always seem so serious and efficient. I guess I never realized that there was room for this sort of thing there.” 

“It’s the duality of man, Shiro. We are that way because we must, but this is the face we prefer. We are just as varied as anyone. No doubt there’s a celebration back at camp too.” Siegbert said, his eyes trailing over the town square once more before smiling at Shiro. “This is my first time at a festival. I’m… glad you’re here.”

Shiro’s cheeks once again took on a pink hue, his smile becoming almost shy as he looked up at him. He was beautiful… more beautiful than anyone had any right to be. 

“I’m glad to be here, too. C’mon. Let’s take a look around. I’d like to make it a good first time for you.”  
***  
Most of the stalls were food and drink, with a few selling jewelry or salves and oils. Shiro spotted a vendor selling herbs and suggested they split up for a short time and meet up again at a table to enjoy their treats. As much as Siegbert didn’t want to be separated from him, he couldn’t argue that they could cover more ground in this manner. 

“Don’t worry, Sieg I’ll be right back. Midori just asked me to check and see if I could find her a few basics.” He said, waving a list at him. 

Shiro’s bright red yukata faded into the crowd and he was left to browse the stalls. He didn’t want to buy much, but Shiro had expressed an interest in Nohrian sweets and drinks. It wouldn’t hurt if he got them something to share. One vendor in particular caught his eye, his stall laden with fresh apple tarts, hot apple cider, and barrels upon barrels of perfectly ripe apples. 

While not particularly grand or decadent, these sorts of treats were what he loved most about this time of year. The death of summer always brought out the best in nature’s bounty, he felt. 

The portly man behind the stall perked up, his ruddy face lighting up in anticipation. He spoke gently, his heavy Nohrian accent jolly and pleasant. 

“Ah! Good day, Milord! How may I help you?” He asked, his wide smile warm and welcoming. “Can I interest you in a cup of hot cider?” 

“Y-yes, two please. I’d also like to purchase an apple tart and two apples, please.” The man gave him his requested treats, his smile warming as he looked at the flower behind his ear. 

“Ah, youth is such a wonderful thing. Don’t waste it worrying over every little thing, my boy. You’re going to give yourself wrinkles.” He said, winking. Siegbert couldn’t help but smile at the man and his grandfatherly tone. 

“Thank you, Sir. I’ll keep that in mind.”

He found a suitable place for them to sit and enjoy their food, placing the mugs and tart on the table’s rough, wooden surface, waiting patiently for Shiro to return. He found himself still holding one apple in his hands, studying it. Its skin was a bright red, with splotches of gold. He wasn’t well versed in the different varieties of apples, but he felt that this one would be the sweeter of the two. It would be Shiro’s apple. 

As silly as it felt, he couldn’t quite get himself to stop holding it. In folklore, apples were more than just a symbol of autumn. They were a symbol of love. Apples were always present when possible at weddings, and young girls foretold their future by the seeds of the fruit. In one folktale, a young woman won the love of a prince by giving him an apple that she’d warmed in her hands. When he ate it, he fell in love with her. 

“Hey, there you are. Sorry it took me a minute. He wanted to gab. What’d you get us?” Shiro’s voice startled him, almost making him drop the perfect apple on the ground. 

“O-oh! U-um… apple cider, and an apple tart. There’s just so much to choose from, so I just got what I was in the mood for.” He replied sheepishly, all too aware that his face was blazing red. 

“What’s with the apples?” Shiro asked, pointing at the fruit in his hand. 

“I thought they’d make a nice snack for later…” He said, offering the mug of hot cider to him. Shiro chuckled and accepted it gratefully, settling down across from him.

It felt a little underhanded and manipulative, but folktales like that one were no more than stories. An apple warmed by his hand would hardly be enough to bind someone like Shiro to someone like him. It was impossible to force a man so strong to love someone so weak… so weak that he would resort to something like this, just to stoke the embers of hope in his heart. 

Shiro was oblivious to the way he stared, so he let himself drink in the sight of him. He watched passersby, his silver eyes bright and clear as the sun bounced off his dark chestnut hair and warmed his freckled skin. His hand rested palm up on the table between them, almost as if asking him to reach out and take it. 

He wouldn’t dare, of course. Shiro would think it strange at best and a gross invasion of his personal space at worst; he couldn’t allow himself to be a bother and make him uncomfortable.

‘But he’s been holding onto mine all day…’ This was different. He was just trying to keep them from getting separated by the crowd and pull him along to where he wanted to go. Besides… it was a touch he wanted. Shiro would never want to truly hold his hand. 

Siegbert’s grip tightened marginally on the fruit in his hands, his mind once again turning to her as he looked at its bright red skin. Possible or not, the very fact that he would consider something like this made him feel vile. If was something like this truly worked, then he would ruin what they had, just so that Shiro would love him instead. He would destroy love that came naturally for a false one. No one could ever love a person like that.

Siegbert jolted as the apple was plucked from his grasp, Shiro still looking out at the crowd as he brought it to his plump lips. It felt wrong not to say something, even if he didn’t truly believe in such things. 

“Careful, Shiro; old wive’s tales say that eating an apple warmed by another’s hands will make you fall in love with them.” He said, trying to keep his tone light, playful, and above all; innocent. 

He wasn’t sure what kind of reaction he expected, but it certainly wasn’t for Shiro to grin roguishly and take a large bite out of the still warm fruit. 

“I can think of worse things than that.” He said, his voice teasing. Siegbert’s heart dropped as he resumed his people watching, munching his apple. 

He couldn’t just say something like that and not elaborate. How much worse? Death? Dismemberment? Or was he trying to say that loving him would be acceptable, or even… enjoyable? Was there hope after all and he was simply mistaken? Or… was it that Shiro knew of his feelings and was taunting him?

That had to be it. He was as transparent as he was wretched and Shiro knew it. Why did he stay? Why not leave the bitten apple as a reminder of what they both knew and leave him to rot in his own misery? He only had to say the word and he would disappear forever, never to bother him, or anyone else again. 

A warm hand on his caused him to jump, a startled yelp drawing curious glances from passersby. 

“What’s wrong, Sieg?” Shiro asked, his tone riddled with warmth and concern. 

“I… I don’t know.” It wasn’t entirely untrue. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t know where any of this was coming from. He’d been good for so long. He never sought out pleasures that he didn’t work for, and when his body would rebel and desire would sink its claws into him, he would push it aside and work instead; it was wasted on him anyway. He couldn’t do that now. He wasn’t allowed to work, despite being mostly recovered from his illness, and even if he could; he wouldn’t be able to concentrate. His body did as it pleased, his mind wandered where it wished, and his heart ached and pined all it wanted. 

Rather than grow impatient with him and drop the subject like he usually did, Shiro squeezed his hand, a gentle smile on his face. 

“Let’s try that tart, yeah? Maybe something sweet will help. When we’re finished, we’ll find a nicer place to sit. I think I saw a bench over there by the pond. We can watch the ducks for a bit.”

They finished their apples, tart and cider and Shiro once again grabbed him by the hand, leading him away towards a more secluded spot, where white ducks bobbed calmly on the glassy surface of the pond. Shiro settled down beside him, his arm draping across the back of the bench. Siegbert found himself calming slightly as he felt the solid weight pressing against his back and shoulders, not quite laying over his shoulders, but certainly there. 

Of course Shiro had been teasing him. He’d said something silly and they were friends. Friends teased each other; Shiro had always reveled in making him blush and stutter. Nothing had changed between them as far as Shiro was concerned. It was all in good fun.

Sighing, Siegbert relaxed and continued to watch the birds as they dove for plants and bread crumbs, relief flooding him as he saw Shiro smile. He was, as always, being too sensitive. Shiro turned to him, warmth and patience in his eyes. 

“So, feeling better now?” He asked, bumping him gently with his shoulder. 

“Yes, I am. I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.” Shiro laughed and reclined back on the bench, his arm once again slung casually over the back.

“You were overthinking things again, just like you always do.” He said, his tone gentle. He was right this time. He truly was overthinking things, as he always did. 

“I know. I’m sorry… can we stay here a moment? I’m still a little tired, I think.” Shiro hummed softly, his arm slipping slightly; the weight of it coming to rest fully on his shoulders. 

“We can sit here as long as you need to. There’s no rush.”  
***  
Siegbert gazed down at the food Shiro had placed in front of him, the smell making his mouth water. His stomach growled as Shiro settled down, blocking the setting sun, keeping it from blinding him. The effect it had on Shiro was striking. 

“Here, Sieg; before you dig in I want you to try this.” Shiro said, holding something doughy and round out to him. “It’s called takoyaki; I think you’ll like it.” Siegbert studied the little ball between Shiro’s thick fingers, his neck heating as he leaned forward to accept it; his tongue curling around it, grazing the pad of Shiro’s thumb, the taste of his skin more pleasing than the food could ever hope to be.

He watched Shiro’s expression as he let a single fang press against the digit before pulling away, chewing thoughtfully. Shiro was watching him intently, his expression a mix of confusion and something else… something unfamiliar, but something he’d imagined many times. With his heart still thundering in his chest, his head still spinning from the heady taste of Shiro’s skin, he swallowed and smiled.

“Delicious.”   
***  
The sun had disappeared beyond the horizon now, leaving them to see only by torchlight, the sky painted with shades of indigo and a thin band of bloody red at the very horizon, stars dancing on the dark backdrop in an almost whimsical manner. 

The day had been full of food and laughter, and they’d seen almost all there was to see in Velance. The final display of the night were the fireworks that would be going off very shortly. 

They sat close together on the hill, watching as people danced to the lilting tune of a violin and flute somewhere down in the darkness. It was a lovely moment, but Siegbert found he had trouble concentrating on it with Shiro sitting so close. He’d found himself trapped in his daydreams often that day; and now with the flickering of torches dancing across his skin, he found it harder still; especially now that he knew how he tasted.

“Hey;” Shiro’s voice was a low, warm murmur near his ear when he spoke, and Siegbert started when he felt a warm hand enfold his for what must have been the thousandth time that day. “I had a really good time today, how about you?” 

Siegbert forced himself to meet his eyes, marvelling at the way the burnished light of the torch caught in them.

“I… mmhmm.” He mumbled, his eyelids growing heavy as he continued to look at him; something warm and unfamiliar bubbling up inside him. “I did.” Shiro smiled, the expression crinkling the corners of his eyes handsomely. 

“I’m glad. You’ve been so down recently, I just want to see you smile.” Had they always been so close? He could feel the moist warmth of Shiro’s breath sweeping across his cheeks and lips, and count the light freckles that dusted his nose and cheeks. He wanted to count and kiss them. 

Shiro’s expression softened as he leaned a little closer, the hand holding his squeezing gently before tangling their fingers. When he spoke next, Siegbert’s breath caught in his throat. Their lips were nearly brushing, their noses bumping slightly. 

“You should never do anything but smile.” Where was this coming from? This wasn’t how friends behaved. 

As Shiro’s free hand came up to cup his jaw, his mind went blank. It didn’t matter anymore; all that mattered in this moment was his touch and the way he was looking at him, as though he were all there was in the world. The world ground to a halt as their lips brushed and his eyes slid shut, Shiro’s name slipping through his slightly parted lips. 

What would he taste like? Would his lips be soft, or were they dry and slightly chapped? What if he was terrible at this and Shiro laughed? Would he give him another chance? Would he be patient and show him how? Would he--

The sound of the first explosion broke the spell and Siegbert flung himself away, his heart racing. Shiro looked confused, blinking rapidly as though blinded by a bright light. Siegbert could still feel the warmth of Shiro’s hands and lips, his cheeks burning with shame as guilt replaced the warmth from before. He had almost ruined everything in his selfishness. How could he be so careless? What was happening? Why had Shiro allowed him to almost kiss him?

Unable to meet Shiro’s questioning stare, he simply watched the bright lights as they popped and faded in the sky, making sure to sit as far away from Shiro as he could, lest the desire return. He couldn’t allow himself to destroy their friendship. It was all he was ever going to have.


	8. Absinthian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siegbert spirals deeper into depression and Shiro confronts his father about his feelings. Neither go well. Mistakes are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shiro, you dun goofed. There's smut at the beginning. Just a warning.

Siegbert avoided his gaze for the rest of the night, as though he was ashamed of himself and couldn’t bring himself to look at him. Things had been going so well. Siegbert was into it; he was blushing so sweetly, his long lashes fluttering across his pale cheeks… it wasn’t until the fireworks began that he pulled away.

He didn’t meet his eyes when they returned, either. He’d simply murmured something about taking a bath and locked himself in the bathroom. Shiro always found himself concerned when Siegbert withdrew from him and refused to speak, but this was something different entirely; and it was all his fault.

He’d pushed too far too fast and now ruined all the progress he’d made throughout the day. He shoved a hand roughly through his hair with a frustrated sigh.

Never before had his adorable friend reminded him of a rabbit more. Siegbert had always been timid; no matter how close they became, his shyness always reared its head. He didn’t mind, but it did make wooing him hard.

He couldn’t tell him outright, coming on strong like that would only startle him more, which would result in him accusing him of playing a prank. He had to get it through his thick head in more subtle ways; but Siegbert seemed desperate to misunderstand him. What else could he do? Siegbert needed to know.

Sighing, Shiro allowed himself to sink down onto their bed, hanging his head. Why was this so hard? Siegbert was so gentle and soft, and yet telling him the truth was more terrifying than facing down an army. He wasn’t afraid Siegbert would hurt him, but he knew there was something much worse than that on the line. 

‘I just have to tell him.’ Shiro thought, his eyes landing on the door that kept them separated. If Siegbert insisted on misunderstanding everything else and clamming up when he made advances, then he’d simply have to come out with it.

Rubbing his neck, he tried to calm his nerves. Tonight wasn’t the right time for it. Siegbert was already too nervous, but tomorrow was a new day. He could just spend the whole day with him in a comfortable, calm setting and quell his fears; and when the time was right, he’d tell him everything.

In the meantime… he needed to talk to his father. This wouldn’t be something he hid from everyone like it was some kind of dirty secret. He would hold his hand and kiss him in broad daylight without hesitation or shame; because Siegbert was beautiful. Everyone would know and those that cared didn’t matter in the slightest. 

All the confidence in what he would do once he had him didn’t fix his nerves now, though. He wasn’t looking forward to the inevitable conversation he would have with his own father, let alone Xander. The man was intimidating; though he he had come to know that he was far more gentle than he appeared… but this was his son; his pride and joy, the person he looked at with love and awe. He had no doubts that he’d be far less gentle knowing what his intentions were. 

‘I can’t chicken out. He’s worth the trouble, I just have to do it.’ He nodded to himself, wondering vaguely if Xander was still awake. Would now be a good time to come clean, or should he tell Siegbert first? Why hadn’t he thought of all this earlier? Why did he always have to dive in head first? ‘Gods I’m such a moron.’ He jumped as the door opened, a freshly bathed Siegbert stepping shyly into the room. 

He smiled at him sheepishly, his damp skin inviting his fingers to explore it in the lamp light. Was there ever a time he wasn’t breathtaking? Why did he torture him like this? Everything about him looked so soft and fresh at that moment that he had to remind himself that he needed to breathe. 

“H-hey there. You feeling okay?” He asked, struggling to find words as he stared into Siegbert’s eyes. They were warm and soft, not unlike they ever were; but somehow, there was an unfamiliar emotion in him. There was something strange and new in them that made him wonder if Siegbert had misunderstood at all. After a moment of looking, he finally identified it: it was hope. 

Had he just needed a moment to process all that had happened? He waited with bated breath as Siegbert stood there before him, fiddling nervously with the sleeve of his night shirt. He wanted to say something, it was obvious; but the longer he remained quiet, the more and more nervous he became. Little by little, the light in his eyes died and the familiar fretfulness replaced it. 

“S-sorry Shiro… about earlier… I don’t know what came over me. I… it was the fireworks I think. They startled me and it was so dark… I…” He stammered, his cheeks flushing darker. “I’m done in the bathroom if you need to get cleaned up… goodnight.” 

Without waiting for a reply, he crawled into bed and lay down, immediately curling in on himself. Despite his attempt to seem casual, Siegbert really just seemed like he was about to fall to pieces. With a sinking heart, Shiro stood and made his way to their shared bath, hoping to wash away the feelings of regret, worry, and defeat. He couldn’t let this setback get in the way. He needed Siegbert to know how he felt and he wouldn’t be happy until he did. Maybe it would even grant Siegbert some relief from his anxiety, too.   
***

“Hey, Sieg.” Siegbert groaned and covered his head with a pillow, his eyes gritty and irritated. “Come on Sieg, there’s something I want to show you.” Shiro said, shaking him gently. He’d been sleeping so soundly, but something about Shiro’s tone made it impossible for him to ignore him. 

“Wha-? Shiro? What’s going on, has something happened?” 

“Don’t worry about it, just follow me.” He wanted to protest, but Shiro’s voice was like a siren’s song. He couldn’t disobey him.

He followed Shiro outside into the balmy night, the moonlight illuminating their path. Shiro glanced back at him every so often, as though he wanted to ensure he was still there. 

“Just a little further Sieg. We’re almost there, I promise.” He said, pushing aside a branch as he stepped off the path. Wasn’t this dangerous? They were getting far away from camp by now, surely. If the enemy attacked them, they would be at a terrible disadvantage. 

“A-are you sure this is a good idea? What if we’re ambushed?” Shiro’s laugh was loud and earnest, a smile lighting up his handsome face. 

“By what? Felicia with a tray of dirty dishes? Sieg, did you hit your head? The war’s over, babe. You’re safe.” Siegbert reeled at the word ‘babe,’ even as Shiro stepped closer; his eyes warm.

This was an illusion. Something was wrong, but yet… it didn’t matter. If Shiro would look at him like that forever, then he would gladly stay here.

“S-Shiro… I… I love you so very much.” He said, his eyes welling with tears. He could say it here. It was safe and here, Shiro looked at him as though he was something precious. Shiro smiled as he cupped his cheek, his other arm snaking possessively around his waist. 

“I love you too.” He murmured his lips skimming across Siegbert’s cheek before pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. “I love you more than anything.”

Siegbert gasped as their lips met in a hot, wet kiss; Shiro’s tongue probed his mouth, trailing over his fangs and tangling shamelessly with his own, his hands groping blindly for purchase on his rear. 

What did he do? He had never done this before and his head was spinning from the heady taste of Shiro’s mouth. He’d wanted to do this for so long, but he didn’t know how. Shiro’s hands tugging him closer cut through the haze of his thoughts, and as their bodies melded together, Siegbert found himself melting into Shiro’s embrace, opening his mouth compliantly as he continued to ravish him. What was going on? 

‘It doesn’t matter… just let me have this.’ He told himself, arching as Shiro rolled his hips. Siegbert whined at the friction and clawed at his back, desperate for more of him. All that he could feel, smell and taste in that moment was Shiro, and still it wasn’t enough.

Shiro pulled back with a hoarse chuckle, his eyes dark with desire as he gazed at him; licking his swollen mouth. Siegbert’s insides twisted as he smirked, his smile turning almost predatory. 

“Damn, babe. You’re like a man drowning tonight. You need me that bad?” He asked, his eyes trailing downward, his expression growing smug. Siegbert whimpered as his large, hot hand trailed over the bulge of his erection, the sensation scrambling his thoughts as he bucked into it. “C’mon, Sieg. It’s just a little further, you can make it.” Siegbert shuddered as his tongue trailed over the shell of his ear, the hand on his member squeezing slightly before leaving him. 

Siegbert followed after him obediently, still trembling from the stimulation of his touch and the intensity of his kiss. He would follow him anywhere if it meant he would kiss and touch him like that again. 

As the last of the brush gave way, Siegbert found himself in a beautiful glade unlike any he’d ever seen before. Trees pressed close around them, dark and soft like loving guardians, and the gently sloping hill was covered in thick, soft grass. Shiro held his hand and lead him down to a pond at the bottom of the hill, the water so pristine he could see the bottom at its center. 

“Here we are. This is what I wanted to show you, I thought you’d enjoy something like this. It’s a shame you didn’t bring your sketchbook.” Shiro said, stepping back as Siegbert looked around to take it all in. Small white flowers bloomed in clumps throughout the area and fireflies flickered joyously just above the ground, their soft light adding a dreamy haze to the whole scene. Looking at it, he did wish he could sketch it. “I found it this morning and thought you’d like to come here.” Shiro released his hand to shuck off his shirt. “C’mon. Let’s take a dip.”

Siegbert watched as Shiro stripped himself bare, his strong muscles tensing with each move; his manhood already flushed and fully erect. All thoughts of sketching the scene around him left him as he gazed at him, his need suddenly reminding him of its existence. 

Heat rose up within him, his groin aching from the aggressive struggle of his member against his trousers. Shiro slipped into the water, dunking himself under briefly before emerging. Water cascaded over his powerful chest, the droplets leading his eyes down over his stomach. He was perfect. Shiro’s skin glistened under the moonlight, his dark hair slick and shiny; but most importantly, his eyes bored into him with a fervor he’d never known. He felt oddly confident in that moment.

Without any more dawdling, he stripped off his shirt, holding his breath as he watched Shiro’s face. He wanted to see his reaction to his body; he needed to. He needed him to gaze upon him with the same desire he’d seen only moments ago. He let his shirt fall to the ground before reaching for the waist of his pants, hesitating only briefly before sliding them down his thighs, leaving him naked under Shiro’s intense stare. 

“Come here.” Shiro said, beckoning him forward. Siegbert did as he was told; his heart pounding as he took Shiro’s hands as he guided him into the water. He gasped as the water washed over   
his heated skin, but the chill was forgotten as Shiro claimed his mouth once more, his lips hard and demanding as his hands tangled in his hair.

“You’re so fucking beautiful.” Shiro growled, his mouth wandering downward, nipping playfully at his jaw before sealing over his neck, sucking and biting until a mark formed.

Siegbert let his hands map out Shiro’s back and shoulders, sighing and cooing in delight as his lover kissed, licked and sucked at his neck and chest, his hands caressing him reverently. This was all he ever wanted. He wanted to feel loved and whole, as though he mattered. It didn’t matter if he was popular and adored by all… he just wanted this. If he could have this, then he would be happy. 

He gasped as Shiro’s mouth tasted at his left nipple, his fingers pinching and rolling the other before switching. He arched into his hot, hungry mouth; lewd, shameless sounds escaping him without abandon. Shiro’s free hand wandered down his back until it reached his rear, where it squeezed and groped the pale flesh before his fingers dipped in, brushing questioningly over his entrance. 

Siegbert moaned as the pressure of Shiro’s touch sent waves of hot need to his groin, which Shiro took as permission. One finger eased its way inside slowly, pressing against his walls as though to ask them to part. Siegbert found himself already panting and clinging to Shiro as he began to carefully pump the finger in and out of him, his body responding to the sensation wildly. 

He mewled as he withdrew his finger before pushing back inside, adding a second finger. The slow, rhythmic motion of his fingers as they moved inside him made him lose all sense and he soon found his his teeth sinking into the fleshy junction of Shiro’s neck and shoulder, drawing a hiss from him. 

“That’s it, Sieg. You know you can let loose with me, you’re not gonna hurt me. I sure as hell won’t hold back with you… I’m gonna have you screaming before the night’s out.” Shiro said, pulling him closer. “You want me?” Siegbert nodded desperately, hitching a leg over Shiro’s hip as he ground himself back against his surging fingers. “Then tell me. Tell me you want my cock.”

“S-Shiro, please…!” Siegbert cried out as Shiro’s fingers brushed a sensitive spot inside him, the touch sending pleasure curling through him as he did it once more, his fingers massaging the spot hard. 

“Say it.” Shiro demanding, thrusting his fingers in and out more ruthlessly. Siegbert whimpered as he felt himself finally open fully to Shiro’s questing fingers, panting as a third finger teased him before pushing past his feeble defenses, stretching him deliciously as he continued to hound him. 

Siegbert clung to him tightly, his moans unsilenced as the fingers inside him curled in on that spot over and over. He felt as though he was burning from within, the ache in his groin growing unbearably tight. He couldn’t hold on much longer. He needed Shiro. 

“Your cock’s gotta be aching by now, babe. Tell me what you need.” Shiro’s other hand stroked down the shaft lightly, the teasing pressure causing Siegbert to whine and thrash, unsure which he wanted more; the thrusting fingers, or the hand stroking his unbearably hard member. 

In his desperation for relief, Siegbert sealed his mouth over Shiro’s and allowed one hand to wander down his chest, headed towards his manhood with single minded determination. He wanted to feel it in his hand; and surely this would convince him to stop playing around. Shiro stopped him as his hand reached his lower stomach, clicking his tongue. “Now, now. We’ve talked about this… no touching.” He scolded, kissing his nose. 

“S-Shiro, please! Please, please make love to me. Enough teasing!” He choked, tears welling in his eyes as his need hit its zenith. He needed Shiro inside him more than he needed air at that moment and the way he was toying with him was pure misery. 

“Now that’s what I like to see. You look so cute when you beg.” The fingers inside him withdrew and left him feeling empty, but only for a moment as the tip of Shiro’s member pressed against his entrance. He found himself breathing in gasps, his nails biting into Shiro’s bare shoulders, his head falling back as his eyes fluttered shut.

“Shiro!”  
***  
Siegbert woke with a start, his body still tingling from the dream. Shame coursed through him as he remembered how wantonly he’d cried out, begging Shiro to take him right then. His cheeks flushed as he felt Shiro shift behind him, the arm draped over his waist pulling him closer. He wasn’t snoring, so he couldn’t be sleeping that soundly… oh gods.

He flinched as he noticed the distinct hardness of arousal pressed against his bottom, the feeling of it bringing the memories of his dream rushing back. Had he been rubbing himself against Shiro the whole time? A shiver rushed through him as he remembered the way Shiro had kissed him, his fingers sliding inside him with little trouble. 

Curious, he wrapped his hand around Shiro’s first three fingers and groaned quietly as his body ached. Surely he couldn’t handle something so thick. Wouldn’t it hurt terribly? He assumed it probably would, but… he still wanted it. He wanted Shiro to do whatever he wished to him. It didn’t matter if it hurt him, if he cried and ached and could barely stand afterward, if he could give Shiro pleasure, then maybe… maybe he would have a purpose. 

Instinctively, he shifted back against the hardness behind him, a small sound building in his chest as he felt the tip press against him more fully. Shiro never wore small clothes at night, it seemed.There was so little keeping them apart, it would be a simple matter to turn over and attempt to seduce him with soft kisses and furtive touches. As he rolled to face him, he tangled their legs, watching Shiro’s face as he did so; watching for any signs that he would wake. He wrapped his arms around Shiro’s sleeping form, his lips brushing lightly over his cheek. 

What was he doing? Shiro was asleep and had no way of agreeing to such things, and he wouldn’t anyway. He was being ridiculous. His lips weren’t his to kiss, his hair not his to thread his fingers through, and Shiro’s manhood was not his to enjoy. He needed to clear his head, or else he’d do something he’d regret desperately. 

As carefully as he could, he extracted himself from Shiro’s grasp, allowing himself to have one more longing press against his body before pulling away entirely; immediately missing the warmth of his body and the heady smell of his skin. He all but ran to the bathroom, closing the door behind him with a soft click. 

He made his way to the wash basin, splashing himself aggressively with cold water. His heart pounded wildly in his chest and the tightness between his legs was stubborn; holding him viciously in its sway. He needed to regain control of himself. 

He glared at himself in the mirror, taking in his flushed face and neck and darkened eyes with disgust, his lips curling back over sharp teeth. He was a prince of Nohr, and yet here he was behaving like a cat in heat. 

‘This is pathetic.’ He thought, splashing himself again, hoping that it would do the trick and calm him, but after a few more attempts, it seemed the dream was still stuck in his mind; Shiro’s phantom still leaving hot, lingering kisses upon his neck, his hands caressing him in ways he could only imagine. With a grimace, he realized that there was only one course of action left to him. ‘I used to never feel this way.’

He hissed as his hand dipped down into his pants and freed his aching member, wrinkling his nose as he found himself already damp. Anchoring himself with one hand, he let his mind wander. It was easy to conjure the image of Shiro, smiling at him as water ran down his body, the moon casting him in silver. Siegbert shuddered as he recalled the heat of his gaze and the warmth of his touch, whimpering as he gave himself a slow stroke. 

He rarely touched himself like this. He did it so rarely in fact that he hardly knew what he was doing; relying mostly on instinct. He screwed his eyes shut as his mind pulled more memories from his dream. Shiro’s plush lips and thick neck came to mind as he let his thumb trail across the crown, the feeling of it making him choke.

Shiro’s voice growling his name spurred him forward, his thumb once again stroking the head. He moaned softly, meeting his own lust filled gaze in the mirror as he began to pump himself in earnest. This is the face Shrio would see if they made love. He noted how his brows pulled together in the center, his eyes watering as he drowned in sensations that he barely knew. His mouth hung open as he panted and arched, wishing it weren’t just a hopeless dream. Despite the pleasure he felt, he was sickeningly empty. He needed something to fill the growing void. 

‘I make such ugly faces.’ He watched as his lips trembled and the tears pricking at the corners of his eyes ran down his cheeks, mingling with sweat. He was very close. He closed his eyes and forced himself to recall the feeling of Shiro’s touch and how it felt to be stretched by his fingers and hear that his love was returned. 

He finished with a violent shudder and a sob of Shiro’s name, panting as his orgasm washed over him. He felt heavier than usual, as though it had taken every bit of strength he had; and while he no longer felt like something bestial and wild was trying to claw its way through his skin, he found he still felt dreadfully empty.

Wrinkling his nose, he brought his hand away from himself and wet a rag to wipe away the mess. He felt disgusting. The smell of sweat was never one to relish, but this… this was far worse because of what he’d done. He hadn’t touched him, but he’d still managed to sully Shiro. He tainted him with his lustful thoughts and his disgusting desires, and now their friendship would be tarnished. He would never be able to look at him as a friend again, only a person he coveted and loved. 

‘What have I done?’ If Shiro knew of this, he’d be disgusted. He would hate him for this love and all that it meant. He would lose him forever and find himself lonely again, and yet he felt that telling him of it was the only way to be free. If he no longer held it secret and saw the truth in everyone’s eyes, then he could let it go and move on.

With a shaky breath, he allowed himself to slide down into the floor, his mind buzzing with thoughts of Shiro and what would happen when he told him. Why wouldn’t everyone cut ties with him and toss him aside like a broken toy? He was a vile, repulsive deviant and a disappointment in every way. His father would tire of his constant bumbling and failure to live up to his title and they’d rid themselves of him. His days as his father’s heir and his mother’s pride were numbered. 

He hardly realized he was crying until a raspy sob echoed off the walls around him. He covered his mouth in hopes of stifling the noise, but his pathetic blubbering refused to cease, and his shaking only worsened the longer he sat there. Why did he have to fall in love? 

He was happy enough just to have a friend that would stay by his side and smile at him. Shiro’s kindness and warmth had been more than enough. He hadn’t needed more; and now, he would lose it all. It was frightening and it tore his heart in two, but it had to be done. This misery had to end.   
***  
Shiro fidgeted with his yukata as he ran over the things he would say to his father. His heart raced and his stomach churned as he waited for him to join him. Xander had graciously shared his tea with him since he “looked nervous.” 

Nervous barely covered half of what he felt. He was terrified about what his father would say and worried about Siegbert. He’d woken to find him in the throes of a passionate dream, his back arching as he pressed himself solidly against his rapidly hardening cock. It was all he could do not to wake him and give him everything he dreamed of, but that wasn’t how he wanted to start their relationship. Siegbert was much, much more to him than a quick fuck. 

He’d thought he would kiss him, and it made it hard to continue to pretend to sleep, but he found himself once again disappointed when Siegbert tore himself away. He’d locked himself in their bathroom and only returned after Shiro had fallen back to sleep. When he reawoke, he found him curled tightly in on himself, only half covered by the blanket, his cute face scrunched up in a fussy expression. He had been teetering on the edge of the bed, almost falling off into the floor, likely trying his damndest to put distance between them.

When he’d asked if he was okay, Siegbert had muttered something about feeling ill and having a horrid headache. He’d sounded particularly cross and forlorn, as though something was deeply troubling, but he refused to speak to him about it. Not wanting to push him, he decided to speak with his father and let him rest. There would be time to speak to Siegbert later, hopefully after Xander got him to take something for his head. 

His stomach churned as his father stepped into the room, laughing slightly at something Xander had said as he stepped out, likely to check on his son. His father smiled at him as he took a seat nearby, settling in as gathered his thoughts. 

“You said there was something you needed to discuss with me, son?” He asked, his tone gentle as he poured himself some tea. 

“Y-yeah… uh… listen; I know we’ve never talked about this and it’s gonna be awkward, but I need to tell you something.” His father looked concerned, sipping his tea as he waited. When Shiro didn’t continue, he sat his cup down, a frown on his face.

“Well, you’ve got my attention; this sounds ominous… you didn’t get some girl pregnant did you?” Shiro choked on his tea, coughing wetly. While it was true that he was hardly a stranger to sex, he’d always been careful and knew well how to avoid such things.

“Oh gods, no! No, it’s nothing like that.” He rasped, thumping himself on the chest to clear his throat. His father looked relieved, and leaned back in his chair heavily.

“Thank the gods. I was worried about what I would tell your mother.” He said, rubbing at his neck before sighing, crossing his legs at the ankles. “Well, if it isn’t that… then…?”

“W-well… how would you feel if I told you I loved another man?” He asked, watching his father’s expression, his insides fighting to escape him. His father fell silent, his expression morphing into confusion. 

“I…? Well… Shiro, what is going on?”

“Dad… I… don’t know how else to say it; I love Siegbert.” He said, jumping as his father sat his teacup down on its saucer, the clink surprisingly loud to his ears.

“Shiro, what on earth are you thinking? You’re my heir, a future king. You’re talking complete nonsense.”

“No, I’m telling you how I feel. I’m telling you that I love someone and you’re not listening.” He said, growing annoyed. Why was this so hard to understand?”

“Shiro, you’re too young and inexperienced to even know what you’re saying. You care for him as a friend and comrade, I don’t think--”

“Dad. I hate to remind you, but I’m only a little younger than you at this point. You know how many years separate us? Six. That’s it. Six damn years because you decided to toss me in the deep realms. So, don’t give me that shit. I’m telling you that I love him, and I do. Why is that so hard to get?” He asked, his frustration with his father growing. 

“You’re going to be king of Hoshido one day and you’ll be expected to have children; and Hoshidan nobility won’t usually accept an adopted child as legitimate.” His father paused, his tone shifting into something like disappointment. “Why Siegbert of all people?” 

“What the hell does that mean?”

“He’s hardly a good match. He’s much too… timid for you.” His father said, arching an eyebrow. 

“I can’t help how I feel, old man. Besides… we both know Sieg is tougher than he looks. I’m not gonna hide it from him; he deserves to know.” Shiro said, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Absolutely not! Don’t tell him; it’ll just make getting over it harder. What you need to do is put distance between the two of you. He’s much too reliant on you anyway. It’s only going to make him softer.” Anger welled up within him at the suggestion.

“What the hell?! Distance myself from him? Why in the seven hells would I do that?”

“Shiro, mind your tone.” His father snapped. “I’m telling you to distance yourself so that you can reconsider your feelings. Siegbert is a poor match for more reasons than just his personality. He’s also Xander’s heir. Would you rob Nohr of its royal line as well?”

“Gods you’re so thick; I swear. Admit it, I’m not your perfect, ideal son and you just can’t fucking stand it. You act like you’re gonna die tomorrow and leave me to take up your title. I have years before I have to take the throne if you’re smart.” Shiro growled, standing abruptly. “That’s okay, though. If it bothers you so damn much, have another kid and don’t fuck them up. Me though? I’m done.”

“...Come again?”

“You heard me. I never wanted to be a king. You didn’t raise me to be one. You didn’t even have the goddamn courtesy to tell me who I was! I had to find out from someone else. So, in keeping with that; I’m not gonna be king. I’m gonna love who I want and you can deal with it.”

His father sat silently for a moment, his stormy eyes surveying him for any hint of a joke. Finding none, he sighed and rose to his feet. The sting of his father’s hand landing across his cheek was startling and brought tears to his eyes, but did nothing to calm his anger, if anything; it only strengthened his resolve.

“You are such an ill mannered, selfish child. I can hardly believe Kagero and I brought you into this world.” His father said, his hand returning to his side, clenched hard in a fist. “I should have sent you back to your deeprealm under heavy guard. You shame us at every turn.” The words hurt. He knew he’d never been enough for his father and he’d never make him proud, but to hear that he truly felt as though he was such a failure… he couldn’t let him know how deeply it wounded him. He was unworthy of it.

“Yeah? And who’s fault is that? Hate to break it to you, pops; but you fucked up.” Shiro said, shoving past him on the way to the door; tears stinging his eyes. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Why do you even care? Away from you. Good enough?” His father huffed, taking his seat once more, picking up his cup. 

“Don’t cause trouble for me. You’re coming with me tomorrow. I will make you into the prince you’re supposed to be, Shiro; even if you hate me for it.”

“You’re about fifteen years late on that.” Shiro slammed the door behind him, keeping his face downturned to hide his damp eyes and reddened cheek. He couldn’t let anyone see him like this. 

As he approached, he heard muffled voices from within his and Siegbert’s room. It seemed he’d been right about Xander’s whereabouts. If there was one thing he envied, it was Siegbert’s relationship with his father. 

It wasn’t perfect, sure. Siegbert had an unhealthy relationship with his father’s image and his own title; but the love between them was obvious. Xander never ignored Siegbert’s successes, and   
while he did tell him when he messed up, his mistakes were treated as just that. A mistake; something that would make him learn and grow. Only Siegbert saw failures. Xander was always on Siegbert’s side. 

His own father didn’t seem to know how to tell him when he’d done something well. He focused hard on his mistakes and told him constantly how he needed to improve. He was angry with him for picking up the spear so that he could have an edge over him in battle, he was angry at him for being in love, he was angry with him for not knowing how to be a prince. Was there anything he could do right? Did the man love him at all? Probably not. How could he? He only seemed to want a perfect son, an heir. He didn’t care about Shiro the person. 

Shiro was pulled from his thoughts by sudden shouting. He was shocked when he realized it was Siegbert’s voice. His voice sounded so strange tinged with ire. Where was his gentle, breezy tone? Xander spoke evenly, his words muffled by the door, but his tone was clearly placating. 

What was wrong with him? Siegbert was always so respectful and soft spoken, especially towards his father. He would never raise his voice like that. Was this all just some sort of weird dream? Had his father hit him so hard his grip on reality was rattled?

“Gods just leave me alone! I’m not hungry! I don’t want to talk! I just want some god damned peace and quiet!” Siegbert never swore, either; at least not to such a degree. The door opened abruptly to reveal a troubled, if a bit miffed Xander. He met Xander’s gaze evenly, barely even wincing when he took him by the chin to inspect the welt his father had left on his cheek, his already troubled expression becoming fussy.

“Be careful with him, Shiro. I fear he’s in a bad state right now. He won’t tell me what’s wrong; but I want to make sure he’s okay. Do your best to keep an eye on him, please.” He said, releasing him. Xander said nothing more, but it was clear he had an opinion on what had happened between he and his father because he gave his shoulder a fatherly squeeze before leaving him.

Taking a deep breath, Shiro steeled himself for the mopey, irritable dragon waiting on the other side of the door. He was hardly in a good state to deal with Siegbert’s ill temper right now, but maybe he could tell him about it and it would make him feel better. Maybe Siegbert would calm down a little if he saw him. With a silent prayer that he would at least not yell, he opened the door and stepped inside.  
***  
Siegbert lay with his face shoved into the pillow, anger and guilt bubbling away in his gut. How could he disrespect his father in such a way? How could he raise his voice and swear at the man he admired and cared for most? Was it not bad enough that he was a lustful, jealous stain on his family’s dignity? Now he was a petulant brat too. 

Dread filled him as the door creaked open. His father was going to send him away for his disrespect. It was over. His greatest fear had been realized and his life as he knew it was over. Oh well. At least the waiting had finally ended. 

“Hey, Sieg… uh… you okay?” Shiro’s voice did little to calm him. Had he come to taunt him? Why did all this torture him so? 

‘Nonononono, please…’ He prayed as the bed dipped beside him, flinching as gentle fingers combed through his hair. Why did he have to touch him so lovingly?

“Hey, I know you don’t feel so good right now, but… can we take a walk? I need to talk to you about something.” Siegbert’s heart stilled. Shiro knew. He knew what a degenerate he was. “Please?” Siegbert looked up at the man beside him, his desperate tone confusing him. Why did he--oh!

“Shiro?! What’s happened?” He asked, sitting up abruptly. His aching head spun as he forced himself to focus on the angry mark across Shiro’s cheek.

“I’ll tell you once we’re out of here. I… don’t want to be near my dad right now.”

Nodding in understanding, Siegbert pushed away the blankets and wordlessly began to dress. Shiro’s distress and the root of it was more important than his own. He could feel sorry for himself later. Right now, the man he loved needed to talk.

“Tell me everything.”   
***  
Siegbert allowed himself to be lead through town, back to the bench where they had sat and watched the ducks the day before. Shiro seemed to swing wildly between nervous, to deeply saddened, to angry before looping back again. Whatever had come to pass between he and Ryoma truly shook him. 

As they took their seats, Shiro turned towards him, nibbling his lip before finally starting to speak, his voice a little shaky and taut with emotion. 

“So… dad’s pretty pissed at me.” He said, reaching out to play with Siegbert’s fingers. “He says I do nothing but shame him and mom.”

“Oh Shiro… that’s not true! You’re a man anyone should be proud of! You’re brave and strong; and you’re certainly a good leader. Your men adore you. Why would he hit you?” Siegbert asked, reaching out to touch his face before thinking better of it, his hand falling heavily in his lap. 

“I… we had an argument about me taking the throne. I was never raised to be king, and then he just thrusts it on me and expects me to just… know how to act like a prince. How could I? I didn’t even know who or what I was until I left my deeprealm.” 

Siegbert chewed his lip in thought, unsure how to answer. What could he say? He’d grown up with the knowledge of what he was for better or worse; he couldn’t possibly begin to know how Shiro felt.

“What did you say to him? Surely someone like your father would have more restraint than this… such a thing is just… unnecessary.” 

“Not with me. He might be good with other people, and good at leading troops; but not me. I guess I’m just such a disappointment that he can’t even stand to look at me.” Shiro said, shrugging. Siegbert’s heart ached at his tone. Shiro should never feel this way. He was wonderful. The only disappointment here was himself. 

“Shiro, surely that’s not how he really feels…” 

“Doesn’t matter how he feels. He shouldn’t say shit like that unless he means it. You can’t take words back any more than you can take back a sword wound.” Siegbert watched as Shiro stood and began to pace, growing more and more agitated with every step.

“Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’ve decided I’m not gonna take the throne after him. He’s plenty young still and can have another kid. I’m just not cut out for it and he’ll never be happy. I’m abdicating my title as soon as we get back to camp.”

“B-but Shiro! It’s your duty! You--” Shiro rounded on him, his expression morphing into one of anger. 

“So, what? You’re siding with him?” 

“N-no! I just--”

“You fucking traitor. I thought you’d understand. Guess I was wrong, huh?” 

“Shiro, I--”

“Save it. I should have known better than to come to you. You’re a perfect prince with your perfect father; you don’t have any clue how this feels! Can’t believe I even wasted my breath.” Siegbert felt as though the wind had been knocked out of him. 

“S-shiro… what are you…” He hated him. He’d finally managed to ruin everything and now all that he had would vanish. 

“Don’t. I don’t need a lecture from you too. Just shut up for a bit.” Shiro said, storming towards a nearby tree. “Why the hell are you still here, anyway?” He growled, looking over his shoulder at him. “Just go the hell away, you’re fucking useless right now. Some best friend you are.”

Useless. Finally, someone admitted it. It had taken so long, but now that it had been said, he found that he wasn’t afraid anymore. He was useless. He was a useless, weak waste of space. He wasn’t even worth the air he breathed. Shiro wished for him to leave and stop wasting his time and tainting his air, so he would. He would leave and never trouble anyone again. They’d not even notice he’d gone, anyway. He was forgettable, disposable, and wretched. No one needed a burden like him. 

He wandered away from Shiro, each step taking him further and further from the warmth and love he’d known, and he didn’t care where it took him.


	9. Catharsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siegbert deals with the fallout of Shiro's insensitivity and Shiro feels guilt for his actions. Tired of always feeling miserable, Siegbert resolves to make a change for his own good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, after being rewritten twice, it's done. The more I pick at it and reread it for editing, the less happy I am with it; so we're just going to move on. 
> 
> I tweaked the dragon's designs quite a bit from the canon one because that thing is a travesty; there will be no tennis ball headed dragons in my writing. 
> 
> PS: Kudos to anyone who gets my classic film reference. I'm proud of you.

He’d abandoned his slow, miserly shuffling in favor of a full spirited sprint; something he’d not done in over a week. His lungs burned with each desperate gasp, and his body ached as he pushed it beyond what he should. He knew his aunt would scold him if she found out he’d done it, but he couldn’t care about that. Not right then. 

He needed to run, it was the only way to escape the nagging thoughts that plagued him. It made him feel cowardly and weak, but he did it nonetheless; his aching heart demanded it. If he ran and never returned, then they’d all get their wish and maybe he could start again, somewhere else. He could shed the mantle that was much too large for his shoulders, and no one would care. 

People grumbled and swore as he tore past them, but they didn’t matter. They were mere shapes with no meaning. What mattered then was escape. He was close, he only needed to push himself through the gates. He could do it. He could make it there and never have to look back. He could be long gone by the time they cared enough to look for him. His father would know he turned coward and ran; he wouldn’t want him after that. 

He skidded to a sudden, painful stop as he slipped on some loose pebbles, his ankle twisting unnaturally. He fell heavily upon the flagstones, his hands and knees taking the brunt of the abuse. He heaved for breath as tears and sweat ran down his face, his torn palms burning viciously. His aching chest heaved as a ragged sob tore itself from him. His stomach roiled with nausea as it reminded him gleefully that he was still recovering from days of illness. He should have eaten. It would have at least made it easier to empty his stomach on the paving stones.

He trembled and continued to gasp for air as he sobbed and gagged, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. He didn’t care if he stained it with dirt and bile, he didn’t care about anything. He didn’t even care about the searing pain in his ankle as he hauled himself to the feet. He needed to hide until the sense of hysteria passed. 

He was nearly through the town gates; he knew there was nothing but farmland and forest waiting beyond them. If he could make it there, he could hide this shameful outburst from the prying eyes of strangers. 

He felt strange. His heart beat far too quickly, even considering his sprinting, his skin felt raw and hot, and his bones ached as if he were going to fall apart at the joints. Had he pushed himself to the point that he would die? Surely not if he could still move; albeit at a pitiful, limping shuffle. This strange feeling was likely just his body coming down from the adrenaline.

He hobbled across the bridge, keeping his gaze firmly in front of him. He ignored the guards as they tried to help him, batting their hands away as they tried to support him. He didn’t want to go back. He wanted to start over. He wanted to be someone else, anyone else. He wasn’t good enough as he was, so he would make himself into someone who was.

He wondered vaguely if the guards thought him mad. No doubt they did; after all, only the truly disturbed would behave as he was. He didn’t really understand it either. He became dimly aware that he could no longer feel anything; he didn’t even notice the pain that had been so intense only moments before. He should be in pain; but instead he felt strangely light, as if he were made of paper, or perhaps not even really present. It was almost as though he were looking at himself from above, his mind and his body separated by a haze of indifference. 

He was; maybe, distantly aware of the rumble of thunder in the distance and the strange buzzing that came from the air, though he could be imagining it. He couldn’t tell what was real anymore. It didn’t matter. Getting away was all that mattered. The forest wasn’t far. He could make it there and then rest. He was feeling dreadfully tired. If he was lucky, he’d never wake up.  
***

The forest smelled of wet leaves, dirt, and the sweetness of decay; all around him, life and death coexisted harmoniously. Somewhere between the gates and the forest, his mind had rejoined him, almost like he'd woken from a long sleep. He wished it hadn’t. His pained body was something he hadn’t missed. Clarity wasn’t worth being aware of how painful it all was. 

He yelped as his injured foot caught a root and sent him sprawling face down in the dirt, twigs and stones jabbing his already injured palms and his ribs. He didn’t care to move. He could stay here forever for all he cared. Perhaps it would even be a fitting grave. Princes were usually buried in the royal cemetery, with so much pomp and circumstance that the funeral would often last for days; but he wasn’t worth that. This was enough. A lonely, forgotten coffin of dirt and dead leaves. 

From his place on the ground, he could see ants marching in their tidy lines, bringing their tributes home before the rain hit and washed them away. How like people they could be. It was rather cute in a way. He wasn’t sure if the sound he made was a laugh or a sob. Despite his clear thoughts, the tears had yet to stop flowing; but perhaps time itself had for him. Had it ceased long ago and he’d failed to notice? Had he stopped growing and improving and he’d simply failed to realize it? 

It would explain why he was still so childishly certain that in some way, he deserved love. He’d done nothing to earn it. He’d wallowed in his own misery and self pity, never trying to make himself better. All he did was whine and act out. Even now, he hadn’t run so that he could actually escape. He wanted them to follow him. He wanted them to find him and hold him close and tell him that no, he wasn’t worthless. He wanted to hear that he was loved. 

Shiro had seen through his farce at last and saw what a pathetic creature he really was. He was nothing save a waste of time. Now that he’d seen that, he could move on and spend time with people more worthy of him. Yet… still he lay there, hoping that he would come after him. He was too weak to save himself, so he wanted someone else to do it. 

No. That wasn’t true. He didn’t just want Shiro to save him. He wanted Shiro to take responsibility for this. He wanted him to apologize. He wanted him to apologize for saying something truthful, something he’d deserved to hear. 

‘Why?’ The thought was startling. He hadn’t ever really thought of it before. Why did he deserve it? What had he ever done that would make him deserve such misery? Hadn’t Shiro told him only days ago that he was proud of him? That he was a good person? Hadn’t he also said that his father shouldn’t say things he didn’t mean? Why… yes, he had. The longer he thought about it, the more he began to feel… angry. Shiro had hurt him. Shiro had hypocritically done exactly what his father had. How was that okay? What gave him the right to lash out at him? He’d only wanted to comfort him and make him think logically. 

He felt cheated. Was everything Shiro had said to him a lie? Did that mean that in truth, there had never been anything between them? Gods he’d been blind. Shiro had never cared for him. He thought he was too weak to do anything alone, and so took upon himself the arduous task of carrying him, resenting him for his weakness. All that he’d said to him that night, when he promised to be there for him and protect him had been done out of some misguided duty. Not only would Shiro never love him, he’d never even actually liked him. 

All the times he’d looked into Shiro’s eyes and thought he’d seen affection, it had been a lie. It hadn’t been love or friendship at all. It was pity. He pitied the poor wretch that could never measure up to the expectations placed upon him and was too ugly to be a trophy. Everything was a lie. This whole time, he’d pledged his heart to a false love. 

A rage unlike any he’d ever known swelled within him, as his dragonstone pulsed like a second heartbeat; filling him with strength once more. He would not lay here a moment longer and feel sorry for himself. If Shiro wanted to think that he was useless, so be it; but if he wanted him gone, then that was just too god damned bad. He wasn’t going anywhere. He was going to become better, and then he would be sorry. They all would. 

‘I’ve had enough.’  
***

Shiro felt like utter scum. How could he berate his father one minute for speaking out of anger and then do the same thing to Siegbert? What kind of monster did that?How could he hurt him? He had to make things right again. It didn’t matter how long it took. He would fix this. 

He didn’t know where he’d gone. Siegbert had left him to his anger; probably letting the awful things he’d said roll around in his head all the while. Siegbert was strong physically, and while he could take blows from people he didn’t know well; hearing such things from someone he cared about would devastate him. 

Shiro groaned and hurried towards the square, looking around for any sign of white hair and pale skin. Seeing none, he swallowed his pride and approached a well dressed man browsing a produce stand. 

“Excuse me, Sir.”

“Mm? Good day, young man.” He said, his tone pleasant. “Are you lost?” He asked, turning away from the vendor. 

“Uh… no, but… I got separated from my friend. Have either of you seen him?” He asked, addressing both vendor and customer. 

“What does your friend look like, son?” The man asked. Shiro ran through Siegbert’s most prominent features in his head briefly. They wouldn’t have noticed how long and full his eyelashes were or the way the sun played in his eyes. 

“He’s head and shoulders taller than me and very fair skinned. He’s got white hair.” Shiro said, wracking his brain for details of what he was wearing. 

“Oh! I did see someone like that! He wandered off down that way.” The woman behind the cart said, pointing down the street. “I only watched him a moment because he was so odd looking, but it seemed like he was headed straight towards the main gate. He looked… oddly haunted, like he’d seen something horrible.” She said. “Is he… okay in the head?”

“Er… yeah, he’s just been sick lately. Don’t worry too much about him. Thanks for your help.” Shiro said, turning to speed down the street. He’d let the woman’s crude comments on Siegbert’s appearance go. Getting angry wouldn’t help. He didn’t have time.

If he’d gone towards the gate, that meant he’d gone through the market district, which was relatively busy. People would notice someone like him. Siegbert stood out if not for his height, then for his striking features. He would find him. He just needed to hurry.  
***

Every person he asked afterward told him they’d seen him, and that he’d been running as though something was chasing him. He’d apparently stopped briefly on the bridge, panting and gasping like a dying man before taking off again. Even when Siegbert was angry or afraid, he never behaved like that. He cared immensely about how other people saw him and hated making a scene. He wouldn’t act that way if something wasn’t wrong. 

Shiro huffed and lengthened his stride, approaching the two men at the gate, who looked at him curiously as he approached. 

“Excuse me, did a guy around my age with white hair come through here?” They looked at him pensively before one pointed towards the forest in the distance.

“He went into the forest, but I wouldn’t follow Sir. There’s a monster in there. It’s been roaring and making a ruckus for the past half hour. I swear it felled some trees earlier. I heard a mighty crack and saw birds scatter like they was being chased.” The one on the right said, looking nervously towards the nearest line of trees.

“Besides, we got a storm brewin’. No sense in joining him in that beast’s belly, nor getting soaked through. Looks to be a bad one.” Both guards jumped as a roar rang out over the fields. The farmers had retreated inside, likely to hide from both the weather and the “monster.” Shiro recognized that sound. He’d heard it from Corrin when her zeal for battle grew too great, or her rage boiled over after an enemy hurt her loved ones. 

‘He’s done it…’ Shiro thought. That was no monster. That was Siegbert. He needed to talk him down and get him somewhere safe. He’d probably not make it before the rain, but he still needed to go.

“Don’t let anyone enter the forest, okay? Not until me and him are back.” Shiro said, striding forward. 

“Are you daft? That monster already got him, and it’ll get you next. We need to tell the captain and get the boys together. We’ll drive it off or kill it and you can… pick up whatever’s left of him.”

“No. If you go in there and kill the person making that racket, you’ll bring more than just my wrath down on you.” Shiro snapped, rounding on them. “I'd suggest you leave it be. Prince Xander wouldn't take your harming him kindly.”

The guards paled, looking towards the forest once more before looking at each other. Shiro didn’t like that reaction, but there wasn't anything he could do about it. It was easy to forget that people who didn’t know them well feared the Nohrian royalty; and not for no reason. He didn’t agree with it, but it was a reputation well earned. 

“B-but… what if he’s dangerous?!” One of them called after him. “He might be a prince, but he’s still one of them beastmen ain’t he?” Shiro stopped in his tracks, shooting a glare of his shoulder. 

“I suggest you don’t call him that again. I’m in a hurry, so I don’t have time to fix that; but know this… Siegbert is the most gentle person I know… but I’m not. Mind yourselves from here on.” Shiro didn’t like throwing Xander’s name around for the sake of getting what he wanted, but this was more important than his pride.  
***

The rain pounded on the leaves, gathering in pools along the road. Shiro shivered as the cold water ran down his neck and into his clothes. If he felt chilled, then he couldn't imagine how miserable Siegbert was. He was still so fatigued and got cold so easily; he needed to get him inside quickly. 

Shiro picked up the pace, desperate to reach him, his final words to him ringing constantly in his mind. He’d called Siegbert useless. Of all the stupid, insensitive things he could have said, why did he have to pick that word? He knew that Siegbert truly felt as though that word was his descriptor; even if he could think of thousands of others that fit him better. 

By the time he reached the forest’s edge, the rain had turned to an icy deluge. He was soaked thoroughly, fighting the wind with every step. It had turned the forest floor into a muddy soup, rendering it slick; but at least it seemed it wouldn’t be terribly hard to find Siegbert. He just needed to follow the trail of destruction he’d left in his wake.

He’d never thought Siegbert could be capable of such unchecked aggression and destructive ability. He was not so much a person in this form as he was a force of nature; trees large enough that he couldn’t wrap his arms around them had been torn up by their roots, lying among the wreckage like stranded sailors. Some smaller trees had seemingly been chomped in half by large, powerful jaws. Even the ground itself hadn’t escaped his wrath. It had been gouged and clawed, entire clumps of brush torn up in his anger. Rain pooled in massive footprints, though oddly enough, there were only three, and a scuff where the fourth should be. It seemed as though he were dragging one leg behind him; Siegbert was injured. 

His worry overpowered his awe and he began to jog, following the trail Siegbert had left for him. It lead him deep into the forest, into a circle of ancient trees. It had grown dimpsy, but he could still see his immediate surroundings well enough, but he couldn’t afford to follow further than the signs his love had left for him.

“Sieg?! Come on, we need to go back, you’ll catch your death out here!” Shiro called, keeping his voice even as he did so. He took a deep breath as birds scattered from their hiding places with terrified cries and the forest itself seemed to groan and creak. He wondered vaguely if Siegbert truly was the scariest thing there. He remembered the horrifying myths Siegbert had shared with him. Tales of beasts older than any nation that stalked the darkest parts of the woods. Surely tales were all they had been. 

“Come on Sieg, quit playing around. Your dad’s gonna get worried soon if we don’t get back. The guards are a little on edge too.” He said, turning on the spot, looking about himself. The trees behind him creaked and cracked, and for a moment, he feared one would fall; but the wood stilled again and everything went quiet. Too quiet. It seemed as though even the rain had been muted, despite the fact that he could still feel it falling from the leaves above.

A thud from behind made him jump and look down, yelping as the half eaten carcass of a buck looked up at him, its glassy eyes fixed in a look of pure terror, its tongue lolling out the side of its mouth. He could feel himself shaking as he backed away, looking around himself wildly for the source of his grisly surprise. He sighed as he backed against a tree, wiping a large droplet of warm water from his cheek. He glanced down at his slick fingers, finding them red with blood. Slowly, it dawned on him that his tree seemed to be growling at him. 

He whirled around and looked up, his vision filled with ebony scales as his visitor leapt from his perch, landing behind him with a disturbingly quiet ‘thud.’ He’d found Siegbert it seemed, but he couldn’t quite say if he was pleased or not… not when he wasn’t acting like himself.

Shiro clutched his chest before composing himself, a weak laugh leaving him in a breathless rush. He hoped Siegbert couldn’t see how his legs were shaking.

“There you are… gods. I think I almost wet myself when you dropped that buck on me. It’s rude to throw your food at people, Sieg.” He muttered, studying the dragon before him. 

Siegbert was thicker and larger than both his mother and brother, but had the same flexible tail and massive, clawed feet. His large, viper like head was; like Kana’s, hornless and his large leathery wings drooped uselessly at his sides. It seemed he hadn’t quite figured out how to fold them against his body. His jaws dripped and foamed, betraying his exhaustion more than even his heavy panting. 

“Well, looks like you’re awfully tired. Come on, go ahead and change back. We’ll get that leg looked at.” Shiro said, smiling up as he watched Siegbert’s bright crimson eyes lock onto him with an almost predatory kind of concentration. He’d never seen him like this, and it was unnerving; but he couldn’t back down. He trusted Siegbert not to hurt him, even if he felt like being stared down like that wasn’t a good sign. 

“Come on, Sieg. We need to talk… and you’re not very conversational like this. Please?” 

Siegbert snarled, his tail slamming down on the ground as he crouched, his baleful eyes still fixed on him. How could he calm him down? Siegbert was clearly angry and he couldn’t say he didn’t deserve it, but he wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to talk about it like this. 

“I know you can do it, just calm down and we’ll talk; okay?” For a moment, it seemed like Siegbert calmed, his eyes gentling briefly; but as Shiro took a step forward, he roared, the sound bouncing off the trees. Shiro covered his ears, flinching as they began to ring and ache. He didn’t have any time to recover from the shock. 

Siegbert pounced, knocking him brutally to the ground, his large feet pinning him to the ground; his claws digging cruelly into his unprotected skin, his jowls dripping blood and foamy saliva onto his face. He looked up into burning crimson eyes, fear settling heavy in his gut. This was it. This would be how he died. It was almost funny in a twisted way; he wouldn’t die on the battlefield, but instead on the muddy forest floor, at the sharp, dagger like teeth of the person he loved most. 

As Siegbert’s hot breath swept over his face, a thought struck him. If he could just move his arms, perhaps he could calm him down. He knew where to rub now to soothe him, he’d done it once before; all he needed to do was reach him. Grunting with the effort to move his arms, he reached up cautiously, his fingers gently grazing the scales adorning the dragon’s jaw. 

“Shh. It’s okay, Sieg. It’s just me.” He murmured, smiling reassuringly at the angry mass of scales above him. “There, there. You don’t need to be scared.” He shushed him as he growled slightly, the sound rumbling away in his broad chest. Shiro could feel his breath coming in quick gasps, but he was focused fully on the smooth scales under his fingertips. If only Siegbert would drop his head a little more, he couldn’t reach the two hard lumps he was searching for from where he was. “Please Sieg, please just come back to me.” He pleaded, his voice catching in his throat as tears welled in his eyes. He didn’t want it to end like this. He didn’t want to die this way, and he didn’t want Siegbert to live with the guilt either. “Please, I’ll make it right again, just please; please don’t do this.”

The dragon snarled, his tail once again striking the ground; but he blessedly released him, stomping away before roaring and stomping in place. If Shiro had to guess, he would say that Siegbert was frustrated. When he considered the fact that Siegbert had done nothing but roar and snarl, it was likely that the strange, seemingly projected speech the other two managed was learned rather than a natural skill. Siegbert couldn’t communicate with him the way he actually wanted to, and was perhaps having trouble changing back as well. Maybe the first time was hard. 

Shiro took a steadying breath and hauled himself up, uselessly brushing wet leaves and specks of mud from his clothes. He was shaken, but he couldn’t let himself fear Siegbert. If he was afraid of him, then that meant that he didn’t trust him, and if he didn’t trust him, then he didn’t love him nearly as much as he thought. 

“Easy, Sieg. Just try to calm down and focus. You can do it, I know you can.” Shiro soothed, making his way towards him cautiously. He didn’t dare get too close, but he didn’t want to stand too far away either. Just because this was completely wrecking his nerves didn’t mean Siegbert needed to know. Siegbert looked at him in silence, teetering slightly on the spot, clearly at the end of his rope. Corrin did say that maintaining that form took a lot of energy. It wouldn’t be strange for Siegbert to simply collapse. He prayed it didn’t come to that. 

After what felt like an eternity, a piercing golden light enveloped the dragon before him, prisms dancing in the puddles on the soggy ground, and catching in the droplets of water as they fell from the leaves. He was breathtaking surrounded by that almost heavenly light. 

Shiro shook himself and cleared his throat, wetting his lips as Siegbert relaxed, his beautiful eyes flickering open as he fully resumed his human shape. Shiro frowned as he noticed how Siegbert favored his leg, obviously incapable of putting pressure on it. He doubted that destructive jaunt did it any favors. He’d probably just carry him back to protect him from further injury and exhaustion. 

“S-Sieg, I--”

“No. No, you’re not going to speak. It’s my turn to talk.” Siegbert hissed, his tone firm and absolute. “I can’t take another moment of this, I’ve let people walk over me for too long and now I don’t even know what I need anymore. I’ve let myself become so isolated that I don’t even know if anyone even cares about me, and you…” Shiro watched as Siegbert’s fists clenched, his teeth gnashing as angry tears began to spill down his cheeks. “You look at me with such pity.” Shiro frowned, each shake of Siegbert’s shoulders making him more and more desperate to hold him. How could he feel like this? How could he think he only pitied him? He told him all the time that he cared for him. 

“Sieg, I don’t--”

“Shut up! Shut up! You do! You only cared enough to save your own hide. If I’d never returned, I wouldn’t even be missed after a time. You would forget me.” Siegbert snarled, his voice laced with anger and misery in equal measure. How had he stayed so silent for so long with so much pain in his heart? How had he missed it?

“You would be relieved, wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t have to feign friendship and affection for someone as useless as I, right?” Shiro winced as Siegbert spat the words at him, his usually kind and warm eyes filled with nothing but seething rage. He shivered as the rain once again picked up, pelting them with frigid water, even through the cover of the trees. 

“That’s not true! Sieg, I’d be miserable without you! You’re… you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me!” Shiro pleaded. 

“How dare you?! You would say such things to me? Are you a cheat as well as a liar?” Siegbert bellowed. 

“What are you even talking about? Cheating how?” Shiro asked, crossing his arms. Where was this coming from? He could understand anger, but this was something else entirely. 

“Don’t play dumb with me, you rogue. You hold me so tenderly, but I know better than to think it means anything. You pity me and nothing else. Your heart belongs to her, or did you lie to her too?” Shiro froze as the realization struck him. ‘Her.’ Siegbert had been alluding to a ‘someone’ for days now. He’d been talking about Caeldori the whole time. How could he not be? He’d never bothered to say that he wasn’t still interested in her. He really was stupid… this whole thing was.

“Why in the seven hells are you laughing?! You’re such a cruel bastard.” Shiro shook his head, brushing away the tears that spilled from his own eyes before reaching out to do the same to Siegbert. “Don’t touch me!”

“Gods this is such a mess. We look so damn ridiculous right now.” Shiro gasped, his thumb trailing over Siegbert’s cheek regardless of his protest. “I do care about you, Sieg. I care about you more than anyone else… it almost hurts me.” 

“Stop it! Stop lying to me!” Siegbert hiccupped, pushing Shiro away; but the shove lacked power. Either he didn’t actually want him to go, or he had no more strength left. “If you care so damned much, then prove it to me!” He shrieked. He was sobbing more earnestly now, the sound raw and painful to Shiro’s ears. 

“How? I’ll do whatever you need me to do, but I need to know what that is, Sieg.” Shiro said, watching as Siegbert wrapped his arms around himself.

“I don’t know! Just… give me something… anything. Please.” He said, falling to his knees as his legs failed him, his exhaustion catching up to him. “I want you to. I don’t like this. Please…” Siegbert begged. He’d never looked more vulnerable than he did then, injured and heartbroken, begging him for any sign that he was loved. Shiro took a deep breath and knelt down, the muddy ground squelching as he did so. He couldn’t keep it to himself any longer. The perfect time to tell Siegbert how he felt had long since passed, and now it might even be too late; but he had to say it anyway. Siegbert needed him to. 

Shiro reached out and took Siegbert’s hands in his, fretting briefly over how chilled they were before turning them over to inspect his dirty, raw palms. Gently, he wiped away the mud and brought them to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to each before pulling Siegbert closer.

“Shhh… gods please forgive me Sieg. I’ve been so stupid this whole time, and I’ve caused you so much stress and misery. It’s all been my fault… I see that now. I wish I was braver.” Shiro murmured into soaked, snowy hair. “Sieg, I…” Shiro steadied himself, tightening his grip on the shaking man in his arms. “I want you to know that I value your friendship; more than anything, but I… I can’t help but want more.” He smiled as Siegbert went still, his whimpers going silent as he seemed to hold his breath. He recognized his own words.

“B-but…?”

“Shhh. Listen. I love you.” Shiro said, relief flooding him as the words left his mouth, hanging heavily in the air between them. 

“B-but w-what about--”

“Me and Caeldori aren’t a thing Sieg, and we never were. I… it’s embarrassing to admit it now, but I was sort of pushing my feelings for you onto her, because I was too dumb to see them for what they were. It’s always been you.” Siegbert looked up, his tired eyes full of confusion and a dim sort of hope. It was clear he didn’t fully believe him. 

“But--”

“No buts. I love you and that’s all there is to it. I wanna be beside you through the best and the worst, and watch you grow into the man you want to be.” Shiro said, his heart growing lighter with every word. “I am so sorry for what I said earlier, it was wrong and so stupid; I know that you’re anything but useless. All the wealth in the world couldn’t measure your worth.” 

Siegbert curled against him with a ragged sob, his trembling frame pressing closer. Shiro held him without any reservations, his hands rubbing his arms and back vigorously as he pressed his lips against his cold cheek. 

“Shiro…” Siegbert pulled back to meet his gaze, his bordeaux eyes still brimming with tears. “Please… will you say it again?” He asked, sighing deeply as though to expel the last of his anger. 

“I love you.” Siegbert laughed thickly, wiping tears away with his dirty sleeve as he fought to rein in his emotions. “Sieg, we should get you--”

He didn’t get to finish. Siegbert’s lips met his in an uncertain, but desperate kiss. Shiro hesitated only a moment before cupping his jaw, maneuvering his head into a better position.The kiss was sloppy and wet; Siegbert’s inexperience made itself well know with every bump of their noses and clack of their teeth, but it didn’t matter. Siegbert was kissing him, and he tasted sweeter than he could even imagine. 

He let his fingers brush gently over the pointed tip of his left ear, revelling in the tiny gasp that opened Siegbert’s mouth to him. Siegbert went still for a moment before melting into his embrace, shyly trying to mimic him. He sighed as Shiro explored his mouth, brushing over his sharp teeth and tasting at his unsure tongue. He let himself breathe deeply as Siegbert exhaled, his head spinning pleasantly as he breathed him in. If it weren’t for the way his lungs screamed for air, he could kiss Siegbert forever. 

Siegbert panted against his lips, his eyes hazy and his wind bitten cheeks colored a deeper shade of pink; no one could ever hope to be more lovely than Siegbert. He didn’t need to meet anyone else to know that their beauty would fall flat in comparison. 

“S-shiro, I…” Siegbert whimpered, his arms tightening around his neck as he pulled him back in for another kiss. Shiro complied happily, letting himself be pulled under once more as Siegbert grew braver. It was Shiro’s turn to gasp as Siegbert gently nipped at his lip, humming as their tongues met once more. He pulled away with a shudder, clearly overwhelmed by the newness of it all. “Shiro, please don’t stop… please just kiss me. Kiss me like it’s the last time.” Siegbert pleaded, pecking soft kisses on his lips in between words. Shiro chuckled at his neediness, but with the way he was shivering, they couldn’t really afford to stay.

“Sieg, I will kiss you whenever you want, every day; but for now… we should get you out of this cold. You’re hurt, too; so we should get your ankle looked at.” Shiro said, wrestling them both to their feet before scooping Siegbert up in his arms. 

“S-Shiro! You don’t have to carry me, I can walk!”

“If we want to make it back before dark, I think this is the better idea, yeah? Come on… you’re mine now; and I’m going to spoil you rotten.” Siegbert groaned and covered his face, his embarrassment serving only to make him cuter. “We’ll get cleaned up, we’ll have something to eat… maybe you can model that robe for me…”

“I-I thought you said you didn’t see anything?!”

“Yeah… I fibbed. I saw everything, and it was the biggest damn tease.” Shiro said, shooting Siegbert a teasing smile. Siegbert sputtered and hid his face more fully, groaning in anguish. 

“Oh gods I’m so sorry…” Shiro laughed lightly, kissing Siegbert’s temple as he followed the trail back out to the main road.

“Don’t be. If anything, I should be apologizing to you. I’ve been fantasizing about it for a few days now.” Shiro laughed again as Siegbert’s entire face and neck turned red. He knew he shouldn’t tease him so much this soon, but he couldn’t help himself. He was so relieved and happy that he felt like he should just tell him everything. “Sorry, I’ll cut it out for now.” He said, kissing Siegbert’s cheek. 

“A-at least until we’re behind closed doors.” Siegbert stammered, not quite meeting his eyes. “I c-can’t be angry about that… I’m hardly innocent.” Shiro gave no indication that he knew what Siegbert meant. His own enjoyment of Siegbert’s dream wasn’t exactly something he was proud of. They would discuss that matter later.  
***

Xander had fussed over them when they arrived, his fretful expression deepening the lines etched between his brows. He’d fussed over their soaked, muddy clothes, the bruises and scratches all over both of them, and Siegbert’s bruised, swollen ankle. 

‘You two are freezing! Into the baths, both of you! Come, come; Shiro go ahead and use yours; I’ll take him from here.’ Xander had said, plucking Siegbert from his arms with ease.

‘O-oh Father! I-I don’t want you to get dirty!’ Xander had scoffed and smiled at his son lovingly. 

‘Don’t fret; it’ll come out in the wash. We need to see to you first. Now come, tell me what you’ve been up to.’

Shiro sighed as he relaxed against the tub, wondering just how much Siegbert would tell his father. They hadn’t talked about it in the jaunt from the woods to the inn, but Shiro truly didn’t want this to remain a secret. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops, though he knew that would be a bit much for his shy lover. Hopefully he’d at least tell him what had lead to their disarray and his first transformation into a dragon. Xander would find out about it sooner or later anyway. 

Shiro placed his hand over his stomach as it growled. It was late in the afternoon now. They had been gone for several hours, and he hadn’t eaten since that morning. Siegbert hadn’t eaten at all… well… not cooked, human food anyway. Shiro shuddered as he remembered the deer carcass, wondering if Siegbert had been messing with him. It didn’t really matter in the end, he supposed. Siegbert’s instincts would become more and more normal to him as they continued to explore them together. 

Groaning, Shiro reached for the stopper and drained the tub; towelling himself off. He needed to order some food for them, and maybe some tea. He didn’t want to make Siegbert move from the comfort and safety of their room for the rest of the day. He would gladly dote on him and give him all the affection and love that he could possibly stand.

As he moved towards the door, he paused as a knock fell upon it. Frowning, he cracked it open, coming face to face with the one man he wasn’t really in the mood to see. His father stood there awkwardly with a tray heaped with steaming bowls of stew, tea and what seemed to be a slice of cake for both he and Siegbert. 

“Uh… I guess I don’t need to worry about food, then.” He mumbled, stepping aside so that his father could place the tray on the bedside table. 

“No, the two of you need to rest. If I had to guess, you both had a trying day.” His father’s voice was soft, almost shy as he straightened up to meet his eyes. “I’d like for us to talk tomorrow, when we’ve both rested. There’s much I have to say.”

“I thought you already told me how you felt.” Shiro sniped, crossing his arms. 

“I… feel that I did a poor job. For now, though… just get some rest and make sure you’re gentle with that boy. Being strong doesn’t mean he isn’t sensitive.” Shiro watched as his father turned towards the door before heaving a sigh and catching him by the back of the robes. 

“Hold on a second, I want to tell you something.” Shiro said, chewing his lip. His father turned to look over his shoulder, his expression neutral. “I told Sieg everything, and turns out he feels the same way about me. So, I guess you’re just gonna have to deal with it.” His father didn’t reply, but his lips quirked up just a bit as he nodded and closed the door behind him. 

Maybe it was a sign that he’d reconsidered his stance on their relationship, or maybe he was plotting on destroying it somehow, but either way; Shiro knew he would stubbornly cling to it. He’d waited too long not to. A nation and the opinions of stuffy nobles weren’t enough to make him give it up. They would need the combined might of Nohr, Hoshido and their neighbors to pull him away.


	10. Ardor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Determined to make up for lost time, Siegbert and Shiro spend the day together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was actually mostly good to go for over a week, I just needed to rework a certain part. 
> 
> Be gentle, writing romantic scenes isn't exactly my strong suit.

Siegbert sighed happily at the feeling of something warm and soft fluttering across his cheeks, forehead and eyelids before landing on his mouth. In his half asleep state, he almost thought he was still dreaming, but the events of the day before were still fresh in his mind.

His eyes opened slowly, unwilling to meet the light of day streaming in through the curtains; but the allure of Shiro’s kisses was too appealing. After a few moments of trying forcing them, his eyes met Shiro’s, a smile already tugging at his mouth. Shiro’s eyes were almost unbearably soft as he gazed down at him, his fingers tracing reverently over his cheekbones. Siegbert would have never dared to hope for such a loving touch, but it was his. It was inconceivable to him, but Shiro wanted him. 

“Good morning, Sieg.” Shiro smiled as he leaned in for a gentle kiss, his expression awed; giving Siegbert the impression that he was just as surprised by all this as he was. “You hungry?”

Siegbert nodded, stretching his arms above his head before sitting up. He wasn’t sure what kind of expression Shiro wore now, but he liked it. 

“I am. In fact… I’m positively famished! Let me get dressed and we can go.” Shiro stopped him, his smile still firmly in place.

“No, no! I already took care of it! The innkeep should be bringing it up now; and she’s bringing plenty, so don’t be shy. Your dad and I both figured you’d be hungry after last night.” Siegbert blushed, but couldn’t deny it as his stomach grumbled. All that rampaging had taken a lot of energy; but it had felt so good. He almost missed the surge of power and the heightened senses that had come with it.

“What about you? Have you eaten already?” Siegbert asked, his tone sheepish. “As hungry as I am, I doubt I’ll leave anything for you.” Shiro laughed, kissing his cheek. 

“Don’t worry. I ate already. Xander and I grabbed something quick before we took care of yours. I knew you’d like to sleep a little extra.” Shiro laced their fingers, bringing his hand to his lips. “Damn if it wasn’t awkward though. Our dads didn’t speak a word to each other; it was like sitting with a quarreling couple. I’m not sure, but your dad seemed pretty pissed at him.” Siegbert hummed, jumping as a knock fell on the door. “Oh, there’s your breakfast.”

As Shiro stepped aside, the innkeeper bustled in; a burgeoning tray of food in her hands. She placed the tray on the small folding stand she’d had slung over her shoulder, all smiles as she began to set him up. Siegbert was well versed in how ‘breakfast in bed’ went. He’d gotten it quite often as a child when he was sick or tired from drills.

“Good morning, dearie! My word… this is the most lively you’ve looked since we met! Look at you, all bright eyed and rosy cheeked! You’re lovely!” Siegbert flushed at her fawning, but truly felt the compliment. Hers was such a kind and matronly air that he could only take her words as truth.

He could feel himself salivating as she placed all of his food in front of him, telling him the morning’s gossip as she did so; which he found himself thoroughly enjoying; though not quite as much as he enjoyed the savory smell of the thick sliced bacon and fresh bread. He watched as she poured his tea, feeling; for the first time in a long time, like he was wanted. It gave him an overwhelming sense of happiness that he’d never expected to experience; he felt like an ungrateful child for never realizing just how much his family had always meant it.

He still wasn’t sure ‘lovely’ or ‘handsome’ quite fit him, but maybe ‘ugly’ was too strong a word. Perhaps he was simply ‘average.’ He had no particular leaning one way or the other. He could live with that, as long as Shiro didn’t forget him.

“Sieg?” Siegbert looked up from his plate, confused by Shiro’s tone.

“Yes?" 

“You’re thinking too hard about something. Don’t worry about it, okay? Just eat your breakfast.” Shiro murmured, brushing his lips against his forehead. 

Had he been, though? Was it really so odd that he should think about these things? Didn’t everyone take a moment for a little introspection when they’d come to realize they were wrong? Certainly, his wrong was not something he couldn’t fix, and there was no reason to agonize over it; but he should still apologize and let them know he loved them. Everyone wanted to know they were loved, after all.

“Sorry. I was just thinking about all that’s happened.” Shiro nodded, watching as he arranged a fried egg on a slice of bread. Siegbert smiled, tucking that conversation away for later. He and Shiro could talk more about it at another time. 

The first bite into his breakfast ignited a voraciousness in him that he’d never felt, nor thought himself capable of. He wouldn’t be satisfied until his tray was cleared of every last morsel, and even then; he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t need more. Had his transformation done something to cause his already rapid metabolism to speed up all the more? If so, that would be disastrous. He’d need to hunt for his own meals at this rate. 

Shiro watched Siegbert go in on his meal with a smile. It was equally pleasing and horrifying to watch him eating with so much enthusiasm. Siegbert usually had such impeccable table manners, but he was eating like he was starving. It was cute, really; but very unlike him. At the very least, though; it seemed he was over the worst of his illness. 

If only the unbridled joy he’d seen in him the day before had lasted. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect that Siegbert would stop worrying so much and forgive himself for the mistakes he’d made. Perhaps wounds of the heart took much, much longer to heal than a broken arm or some other manner of physical ailment. If so, he would gladly be there for him. He would hold his hand and love him through the worst of it; and when he could finally smile without it haunting him, and leave the pain behind, he would be there still. 

Shiro reached out and brushed his fingers through Siegbert’s hair, smiling at the way he slowed his pace in order to lean into the touch, cooing quietly as he rubbed at the little lumps under his skin. He stopped abruptly, so that Siegbert could continue his meal; but it seemed he didn’t much appreciate it. He grumbled and pouted at him, lowering his head impatiently. 

“Finish your breakfast and I’ll do it for as long as you want, okay?” Siegbert snorted a bit, but went back to eating. “I love you.” He whispered, letting his fingers trail from his hair, across his cheek before finally pulling away entirely.

“I love you, too.” Siegbert murmured, the tips of his ears turning pink as he continued to shove food into his mouth. He’d seemed to have more he wanted to say, but decided against it; but that was okay. He understood him well enough. 

As silence once again stretched between them, Shiro found himself wondering if there was anything they should do that day. They didn’t have long until they’d be returning to camp. The trial was nearly done, they’d be hearing a ruling on it within a day or so; and Xander would decide the man’s punishment. Perhaps they should go on a real date. Siegbert had likely spent the day too worried about everything under creation to enjoy himself fully at the festival, and the day before had gone so poorly that he was already wishing he could forget it.

On top of that, Siegbert had sprained his ankle, which was still bruised and a bit swollen. He needed to be mindful of that limitation. He remembered seeing a tea shop in town, but they hadn’t had time to stop in for long; but one thing stood out. Siegbert had mentioned the fine chocolates and how he had fond memories of sharing sweets like them with his family when they came to visit. He’d suggested that he buy some and spoil himself a little, but Siegbert had panicked and claimed they were far too expensive and indulgent. 

If Siegbert was uncomfortable buying something like that for himself, then he would do it instead. Shiro had no problems with spoiling Siegbert. He would do whatever he could get away with. 

“What’re you thinking about, Shiro?” Siegbert asked, chewing his lip nervously. “I-I mean… if you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to! I didn’t mean to be nosy.” Shiro chuckled at his frantic backtracking, shaking his head softly. 

“I was just trying to think of something fun we could do together. I know you need your rest, but I’m sure you’d like to get out for some air, yeah?” 

“Mmhmm… I wouldn’t mind a stroll… maybe we could feed the ducks. As long as we take it slow and you help me a little, I’ll be okay.” Siegbert said, stretching his arms overhead, granting Shiro a lovely view of his flexing chest through his thin night shirt. Worry clouded his eyes briefly before he smiled once more. Shiro wasn’t positive, but he had an idea of what was bothering him.

They’d yet to tell Xander about the change in their relationship. Siegbert had told him everything else the night before, but hadn’t had the courage to tell him that small detail. He feared what Xander would say, but had agreed that he had to know.

“I think you should talk to your dad before we do anything.” Siegbert winced, looking up at him incredulously. 

“Why?”

“Because I know how you are. We’ll leave and instead of enjoying yourself, you’ll fret and imagine every worst case scenario possible, and a few that aren’t; and by the time we get back, you’ll be so upset and nervous that you won’t be able to think of anything else.” Shiro said, reaching out to hold his hand.

“Ugh… I know you’re right, but..."

“You’re scared, I get it. That’s why I’ll be there with you. I’ll hold your hand the whole time if you want; but we need to do it now, while he’s still here.They’re leaving for court soon.”

“I…”

“Sieg, I refuse to hide my love for you like I’m ashamed. Why should I hide the person that makes me want to be a better person?” Siegbert’s cheeks flushed, a sheepish smile creeping onto his face.

“You’re right. I don’t want to hide you either. Let’s go now. I doubt he’ll care how I look terribly much.” Shiro chuckled, leaning in for a quick kiss.

“Sieg, you always look perfect.” His compliment was met with an embarrassed squeak, and Shiro was certain that if his face grew much redder, he’d begin to blow steam from his ears. He tucked that thought away for later, holding his hand out for Siegbert to take as he stood. “Come on, let’s get it done.”  
***  
Siegbert gulped as he knocked on the door, almost hoping his father wouldn’t answer and they could delay, but to no avail. His father opened the door, his shirt collar undone, an untied cravat hanging around his neck. His father smiled gently as he looked down at him. 

“Oh! Did you two need something? I’ve got a little time yet.” Siegbert took a deep breath, trying his best to ignore how nauseous he suddenly felt. 

“Y-yes, Father… I… need to tell you something.” Xander looked first at Siegbert, then at Shiro before his keen eyes were drawn between them, to their clasped hands. Siegbert saw the understanding in his gaze, but his father smiled all the same. 

“Come on in. Ryoma, step out for a moment, please.” Ryoma nodded, leaning into whisper something to Shiro briefly before departing. As the door closed behind him, Siegbert took a deep breath, squeezing Shiro’s hand desperately for reassurance. 

“F-father, I… um…w-we…” Shiro could feel Siegbert trembling beside him, but he was fairly sure embracing him wouldn’t help here. Thankfully, Xander chuckled and interrupted Siegbert’s stammering. 

“It’s okay, son. I understand.” Xander said, his tone soothing. “I honestly can’t believe it took you so long to discover it yourself. Like father, like son; I suppose.” Siegbert babbled incoherently for a moment, his adorable face puckering in confusion. “To be honest, Camilla and I have been taking bets for weeks.”

“W-wait… you mean you knew?” Shiro blurted. Siegbert seemed too shocked to speak, and as such fell silent. 

“We suspected it. I can’t really say we knew, so to speak.” Siegbert watched as his father shrugged, a small smile on his face. “You’re both so young yet, and I don’t plan on dying tomorrow. You deserve to explore your options and learn who you are.” His father paused, his face growing serious. “If you decide this is what you truly want, you should know it won’t be easy. There will be those that want to hurt you and will oppose you.”

“Yeah… we know. But still… Xander, I love your son. If those people want to be hateful, then that’s their problem and I’ll be damned if I let them come between us.” Shiro said, gripping Siegbert’s hand more tightly. 

“I agree, but still; it’s an unfortunate reality you will likely face and words can hurt, as you no doubt know well. It will be even harder if they are brave. They may not stop with words. You two must protect each other, always.”

“We will, Father.” Xander smiled once more, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he reached out to touch their faces.

“Then I’m happy for you both, and I hope that this love brings you both happiness. Know that I am always on your side.” He leaned in, pressing a kiss to Siegbert’s forehead, before turning to do the same to Shiro. “I must go for now, but I’ll return later this afternoon. Have a wonderful day, go do something fun.” He held the door open for them before heading down the stairs, ready to catch the carriage that would take he and Ryoma to the city hall. 

Shiro stood gaping beside Siegbert, still gripping his hand too tightly. 

“Well… that was… not quite what I expected.” Shiro murmured, touching the spot Xander had kissed. Siegbert giggled as elation bubbled up within him. Not only had his father not been angry, he’d accepted their love with open arms. It was a good feeling.  
***  
The ducks gobbled up the bread crumbs they’d tossed out for them, their gleeful squawking filling the midday air. Siegbert had always loved animals, and interacting them was always a pleasure. There was something peaceful in it that always made him happy. He could watch them for hours. 

“You’re really beautiful, you know?” Shiro said, his arm coming to rest around his waist, his lips pressing gently to his cheek.

“O-oh! Uh… I don’t know about that, Shiro. I’m rather plain, I think.” Siegbert said, his cheeks burning as he tried to digest the compliment. It would take a lot of time for him to get used to such things.

“Nah, there’s nothing plain about you, Sieg. You’re selling yourself short, like always.” Shiro said, kissing his cheek once more. “You’re especially beautiful when you smile. And when you sleep. And when you’re concentrating on something… you always nibble on your lips and it’s just so damn cute.” Siegbert’s mind raced as Shiro’s lips trailed across his jaw, pecking little kisses here and there in a frustratingly random pattern.

“S-Shiro… p-please not here. S-someone might see!” He whispered, fighting to control his voice as Shiro seemed to become interested in the sensitive patch of skin just beneath his chin. Shiro hummed and withdrew, a smug smile on his face as he looked at him.

“Sorry Sieg; I just got distracted. Here, let me fix it.” Shiro pulled him close, kissing him deeply. Siegbert gasped, arching his back as Shiro’s hands found his hips. He wanted to scold him for doing something inappropriate, and yet… he didn’t feel that it was so wrong. Their hands were in relatively safe places, their clothes neat and unrumpled; and in spite of the passion in Shiro’s kiss, it was loving and clean. He’d seen people do much filthier things in public. There was no shame in this.

With that in mind, Siegbert sighed and gave himself fully to the kiss; purring happily against Shiro's mouth. Everything was fine. He had nothing to worry about. Shiro broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to his collarbone, his arms snaking around him in a tight embrace. This was how things were meant to be. It didn’t matter why or how, but Shiro wanted him, and he was happy.

“Sieg… why are you crying?” Shiro asked, his voice a soft whisper. Siegbert sniffled, shooting Shiro a watery smile before wiping away the tears with his sleeve.

“I’m… I’m happy! I… I never thought I would have this with anyone, never mind with you; and I… I’m still having trouble believing this is real.” Siegbert hiccupped, trailing his fingers through Shiro’s hair. Shiro’s smile grew wider, his eyes soft as he trailed his thumb over Siegbert’s damp cheek. 

“It’s real, Sieg. If you don’t believe anything else; believe that. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.” Siegbert chuckled thickly, embracing Shiro shyly before answering.

“You’re going to have to be less reckless from here on, you know? I expect you to keep this promise… I want you there with me at the end, holding my hand. There are so many places I want to see.” Siegbert murmured, nuzzling into Shiro’s hair. “I shan’t forgive you if you leave me here alone.”

“I promise that I’ll do my damndest to come out of this in one piece. I want to be with you, and I never want to be the reason you cry… unless they’re happy tears.” Siegbert giggled, screwing his eyes closed as Shiro came up on his toes to press kisses over his eyelids.

“Gods… you’re so corny. Don't stop.”

“There’s a lot more where that came from. I can embarrass you if you want.”

“In front of whom? The ducks? I doubt they mind, I imagine their grasp on common isn’t very good.” Shiro snorted, ducking his head beneath Siegbert’s jaw, pressing his mouth to the sensitive skin once more. Siegbert shivered at the sensation, but he quickly realized it was a ruse as Shiro inhaled deeply, sealing his mouth over his neck before blowing hard. Siegbert squealed as the ridiculous sound rang out, Shiro's fingers attacking his ribs.

“N-no! S-stop! S-stop it!” He begged helplessly through peals of loud, desperate laughter. Shiro ignored him, as his hands trailed downward. Siegbert wasn’t sure what he was up to, but he was aware of a few curious gazes that had been drawn their way by his laughter. 

His laughter resumed almost immediately as Shiro’s fingers curled against his belly; then, quick as a snake would strike, they found the tops of his thighs, right beneath his rear. He screamed indignantly, the ticklish sensation growing unbearable. 

“S-Shiro! S-stop! Please!” He made a desperate grab for Shiro’s hands, hoping to stop him, but his arms felt leaden and his hands were clumsy. He was helpless against the onslaught. “P-please! I’ll do a-anything!” Shiro finally stopped his brutal attack, his smile triumphant. 

“Gods, your laugh is so cute.” Shiro said, kissing him gently before pulling away. “Why don’t we get some tea? My treat.” Shiro asked. 

“T-that sounds nice… w-we saw a tea shop the other day, didn’t we?” Siegbert panted, breathless from his laughter. Shiro nodded, extending his hand to him. 

“Yeah. I’ll get you some of those chocolates you were looking at the other day.” Shiro said, lacing their fingers as they began to walk.

“O-oh, you don’t have to do that! T-they’re expensive!” 

“I know, but didn’t you hear me yesterday? I’m gonna spoil you, so let me. You don’t have a choice.” Shiro murmured, bringing his hand to his mouth. 

“O-only if you let me do the same.”

“Yeah… that sounds pretty great.” Shiro ceded, leading him away from the curious glances of the townsfolk, towards the tea shop; relishing the feeling of Siegbert’s slightly cool hand in his.  
***  
The tea shop’s owners were an elderly Hoshidan man, who was so stooped and small that he was barely visible over the counter, and his fresh faced Cyrkensian wife; who in spite of her gray hair and aged hands, looked at least 15 years younger than she was. She was quite a bit taller as well, which made them a comically mismatched, but very sweet pair. 

Siegbert watched as Shiro paid for their tea and the chocolates; in spite of his protests. He had them wrap them in a brown paper parcel, as per Siegbert’s request. He wasn’t keen on eating them so soon. He wanted to save them for their last night there, as a special treat for them to share. He wouldn’t feel so guilty about it that way. He smiled at Shiro as he took his seat, gladly taking his hand as he placed it, palm up on the table between them. 

“They’ll bring us our tea in a bit. How’s your ankle feeling?” 

“It’s okay, just a little sore. What kind of tea did you order?” Siegbert asked, shyly toying with Shiro’s fingers. 

“I told them to surprise us. They have so many blends that I got a little overwhelmed, to be honest; so they’ll just bring us whatever’s most popular.” Shiro shrugged, looking a little abashed. 

“Oh, well; that’ll be interesting at least. I wonder what it’ll be.” Shiro smiled, shrugging slightly as he leaned forward in his chair. 

“Dunno, but I have confidence that it’ll be good.” 

It took only a few minutes longer for their tea to be brought to their table, the wife placing the tray on their table with a kind smile. From the pot, Siegbert could smell the subtle scent of lemon and mint. It smelled much like his auntie Camilla’s favored blend, which pleased him greatly. 

“Oh, nice. It’s an herbal tea. I seem to remember you saying you preferred them after lunch.” Shiro said, pouring Siegbert’s tea, adding a small dollop of honey. 

Since when did anyone listen so closely when he spoke, or watch him closely enough to know exactly how he liked his tea? Had it truly always been like this and he’d just missed it? How many others could name his favorite foods, or knew the title of his favorite novel? Once again, he found himself feeling unreasonable and ungrateful. 

“Shiro… I’m so sorry.” Siegbert murmured, fighting to keep himself under control. Shiro seemed startled by his change in mood and tone, as he squeezed his hand. 

“Sorry?! What for?”

“I… I never realized how much you cared about me and now I feel as though I was ungrateful to you and everyone else. I’m so sorry for being such a selfish person.” Siegbert said, all the times he’d considered leaving or worse playing over in his mind. 

“Sieg, listen to me. You are the most self sacrificing, kind person I know. You’re anything but selfish. You were struggling; and you still are, so please… just be gentle with yourself right now, okay? We all love you.” 

For fear of sobbing in front of the kindly shop owners and their patrons, Siegbert nodded; hoping that Shiro would understand. He didn’t trust himself with words in that moment. Shiro smiled warmly, reaching out to brush away the wet little traitors that managed to make it through his control. 

“If you think you need to apologize to everyone, if it will make you feel better, do it. Just expect everyone’s answer to sound a lot like mine.”

Shiro said no more on the matter, merely sipping his tea; his eyes fixed on Siegbert’s face as he did so. Feeling overwhelmed by the affection he saw there, Siegbert broke eye contact, merely drinking his tea. It was much like his aunt’s favorite. He would have to find her when he returned, it was always better when she made it for them; though he had to wonder how it would taste on Shiro’s tongue.

“Shiro… when we finish here… I… I’d like to be alone with you.” Siegbert whispered, his cheeks blazing as he spoke. It sounded so suggestive, even when he didn’t quite mean it like that; or at least, he didn’t want to go too far. Not yet. 

Shiro’s expression barely changed, but he could see the surprise in his eyes. His smile became wider as he leaned back in his chair, licking his lips. Siegbert followed his tongue’s movement with his eyes, his breath coming in quiet, quick puffs. It took so little to excite him. 

“Sounds like a plan. We can go back. You’re probably getting tired anyway.” Siegbert hummed, sipping his tea as his eyes continued to rake over Shiro’s handsome face, and down his neck to his chest. He wanted to know how Shiro’s skin would taste, and know how he would react to his exploration.

Perhaps all those times that he’d shoved these desires away had made him desperate, and many might say that he was getting ahead of himself; but he felt at ease. He understood his desires now. He knew what he wanted from the man across the table from him. It didn’t need to be so complicated, and nothing needed to be scheduled. He wasn’t afraid of where they were going or how fast it was moving. He would let circumstance carry him and he wouldn’t regret a moment of this.  
***  
The door closed behind him with a quiet ‘click,’ and Shiro turned to look at him; his gray eyes surveying him curiously. Siegbert leaned heavily on the door, his heart thrumming loudly in his chest.

The bed seemed to beckon to him, bringing with it the remembrance of being warm and safe within; the memory of Shiro’s arms around him, his lips all over him, nothing but their thin night clothes between them making him blush. He would gladly return to that.

“So… we’re alone now. What’d you have in mind?” Shiro asked, stepping closer. Siegbert breathed in sharply as Shiro’s hands found his waist, leaning up expectantly. Siegbert chuckled and bent down, meeting Shiro halfway.

He trembled slightly as their mouths melded, yielding to Shiro’s curious lips. He let his fingers weave through dark locks, his heart skipping as he was tugged closer by his hips, Shiro’s strong hands gripping him tightly, as though he’d run away if he didn’t. He tried to keep up with Shiro’s more practiced technique, his own inexperience causing their noses to bump. Shiro didn’t seem to care in the least.

They broke for air and Siegbert found himself still clinging to him for support, the rush leaving him light headed and weak in the knees. Was this what it felt like to be in love? He’d asked his mother once, and she’d described it as something akin to drunkenness. He understood her reasoning now. 

“Shiro…” He sounded so breathless that he almost didn’t even recognize his own voice. It was an odd feeling.

“Hm? What’s wrong, Sieg?” Shiro’s voice was gruff and low, the sound of it stirring desire within him. He wanted him to kiss him again, but perhaps he should heed the bed’s call. Surely it would be more comfortable there.

“We should change. I don’t want to go out again today… not for a while, at least.” He murmured, nuzzling the crown of Shiro’s head, breathing deeply of the smell of jasmine and smoke.

“That’s fine by me. I don’t mind lazing around one bit, besides; it’ll be good for you.” Shiro said, stepping back slightly. “I think you’re getting the hang of relaxing. I’m proud of you.” Siegbert rolled his eyes, a smile creeping onto his face as Shiro began to root around in his pack. “I’ll put some more of that salve on your ankle soon. You’ll be good as new pretty soon, you should even get to return to your regular duties.”

“You do know I can do it myself, yes?”

“Well sure; but I want to do it. I love touching you… and besides, it’s my fault you got hurt anyway.” Siegbert sighed, shaking his head.

“Maybe; but I have to wonder if it was entirely your fault. Thinking back to it, I begin to realize that much of my irritability and anxiousness came from something deeper and more instinctive. I believe I knew on some level what was coming, I was just too distracted by everything else to understand.” Shiro grew pensive, his gaze flickering over his face briefly before shrugging, pulling a fresh change of clothes from his bag.

“Whether it was all my fault or not doesn’t change the fact that I was an asshole, or that I want to do this for you.”

“No, I suppose not; but I’ve forgiven you. There’s no need for you to dwell on it.” Shiro chuckled, shedding his yukata and juban. Siegbert blushed furiously, his heart pounding once again, trying to ignore the tension slowly building inside.

“How about this, I’ll let this go; but you have to promise me you’ll learn to do the same. Let things go, and stop beating yourself up over them.”

“I’ll try… I promise.” Siegbert murmured, his eyes trailing down Shiro’s neck, his attention for their conversation quickly waning as he admired the man before him. 

“Good. That’s all I ask of you. Now… go get changed. You can ogle me all you want after that.” Siegbert stammered, rushing away.

“I’m sorry!” He hurried into the bathroom, closing the door harder than he’d meant to. He could hear Shiro chuckling in the next room, clearly amused by how flustered he was.

Siegbert smiled sheepishly, stripping off his waistcoat, cravat and shirt. Shiro was such a playful, energetic person. Perhaps that was why he wasn’t afraid of their relationship and how it was progressing. He took a moment to survey himself in the mirror, trying to remain objective.

He truly had grown thin in the past few months. He needed to fix that. He wanted to get himself back into optimal fighting condition so that he could survive this damned war, but also… he wanted to look his best for his…

His what? What could he call Shiro? Beau seemed to be the right term, but would Shiro be okay with such a thing? Beau and lover both seemed to be too strong for such a young love. Would calling him ‘darling’ be too presumptuous? 

Shaking his head, he dressed in his pajamas, smiling ruefully. It didn’t matter what he called him. He loved Shiro, and for now, that was enough for him. He would let Shiro be the one to give name to them, he would let him be the first to use a term of endearment. He wanted to hear it desperately, but he would wait.  
***  
Shiro was already sprawled out on the bed, a confident smirk on his handsome face as Siegbert’s eyes raked over his prone form. Siegbert took a deep breath as he crawled into the bed beside him, shyly draping himself over his chest. He cuddled close, enjoying the way the heat of Shiro’s body radiated through the thin material of his shirt. 

“I-is this okay? Are you comfortable enough?” Siegbert asked, trying hard not to put too much weight on his ribs. 

“Sieg, you’re just fine. You can relax I promise. I want you to be comfortable.” Shiro murmured, planting a kiss on the top of his head. 

“Okay. I shall, then.”

Silence fell on them, Siegbert’s eyelids drooping as Shiro played with the curls at the nape of his neck. Moments like these were fast becoming his favorite. He adored the thoughtful silences, with nothing but Shiro’s tender touches and the intimate thudding of his heartbeat in his ear. It was an addictive sound. It meant that he was alive and well, as full of vim and vigor as he ever was. 

He shivered as Shiro’s hand slid from his hair to his back, doodling nonsense patterns between his shoulders and tracing the line of his spine. Siegbert joined him in his little game, writing words and phrases in his mother language on an exposed patch of skin on his chest. 

Seemingly emboldened by his touch, Shiro let his fingers trail lower, toying with the hem of his shirt; waiting for any protest. When none came, he slipped his hand inside. Siegbert giggled as his fingers trailed over his skin, the sensation ticklish; yet it ignited his need for more.

“Hey.” Siegbert looked up, his heart already fluttering as Shiro leaned down; craning his neck to press his lips to his forehead. “I love you.” Siegbert smiled, closing his eyes as Shiro continued to rain kisses upon his face.

“I love you too…” Siegbert breathed, his hands coming to rest on Shiro’s shoulders. “I’m so happy we met.” Shiro chuckled, the sound fond as he pulled back to look at him.

“Me too.” Siegbert gasped as he switched their positions so that he hovered over him. “I’m not giving you up, either; to hell with what other people think.” Siegbert groaned softly as Shiro’s mouth trailed over his cheek and jaw. 

“Shiro…” His thoughts became a jumbled mess as blunt teeth nipped at his neck, his hands raking through Shiro’s hair. 

“Shhh. Just let me spoil you.” Shiro crooned, his voice velvety as h is lips continued their conquest. Siegbert knew he couldn’t resist him, even if he wanted to. Shiro’s mouth was hot and insistent on his skin, his tongue tracing a lazy circle just below his jaw before drawing the flesh into his mouth and sucking. 

Siebert arched under Shiro’s hands, his gentle touches slowly breaking down what little defenses he had. He pulled back, his eyes boring into him. Shiro looked so lovely with his hair mussed and his lips swollen and red. Siegbert didn’t have time to admire him for long, though. He was already kissing him, his teeth tugging at his bottom lip. 

Siegbert’s fingers stroked and tugged at Shiro’s hair, his breath coming in quick pants. Was it wrong for him to want more? He had said he wanted to spoil him… he’d said it twice that day. Surely he wanted to know what he desired.

“Shiro… I…” Siegbert’’s hands shook as he tugged at his shirt. He wanted to feel his skin under his hands. “Please…” Shiro’s chuckle cut deeply, the sound rattling his bones and echoing in his mind, heat pooling in his his gut. 

“You want me to take this off?” Shiro asked, rocking back onto his knees, his hands trailing down his ribs, over his hips, coming to rest on his thighs. Siegbert gasped as he kneaded the firm flesh under his burning palms, gently pushing them apart.

“Y-yes…” Siegbert managed, his back arching as the hands on his thighs trailed upward, squeezing and massaging his groin, Shiro’s thumbs dangerously close to his manhood; which was beginning to take interest in what was happening.

“Yours has to go too.” Shiro said, his eyes intense as he reached for the first few buttons. “I want to see you.” 

Siegbert whimpered as Shiro plucked a few buttons open, slowly exposing him to his heated gaze. What if he hated his body? The very thought of it was painful. He needed him to; at the very least, not find him ugly. 

‘Just get it over with.’ Siegbert told himself. The sooner he saw the disappointment or disgust in Shiro’s eyes, the sooner they could both move on and forget this ever happened. As the last button gave way, he squeezed his eyes shut, waiting to hear the verdict. Was he too pale? Too thin? He started when Shiro groaned, the sound sending hot tendrils of need to his groin. Shiro’s eyes were dark, intense and hungry as he gazed down at him; something he’d never expected to see. Now that it was happening, he was at a loss.

“Gods… you’re even more perfect than I expected.” Shiro murmured, lowering himself between his parted thighs. “You’re so beautiful.” Shiro’s hands trailed over his ribs, resuming his quest to presumably kiss every last inch of skin available. 

He trembled and tensed as teeth and tongue teased his neck, their heat searing him like a brand. He’d never expected to belong so fully to another person, but he loved it. He wanted him to lay claim to him in every way possible. 

Shiro left a wet trail of kisses and bites across his skin, leaving red marks in his wake. Siegbert squirmed and panted under his passionate assault, instinctively bucking his hips; the friction causing him to cry out. Shiro gasped and shuddered as well, pausing briefly in his ministrations before resuming. His mouth found one of Siegbert’s nipples, closing around the sensitive bud without hesitation or shame. 

Siegbert felt as if he were melting under that scorching touch, his self control and composure leaving him quicker than he could have ever thought possible. He’d always prided himself on how disciplined he was. Where was that now? He tugged at Shiro’s shirt and hair, gasping for air as he tried to control his hips. He wanted more, but he was afraid that if he let himself have it, he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Shiro tore away his shirt, and Siegbert eagerly ran his hands up his powerful arms and onto his shoulders before raking his nails downward, leaving red welts over his chest and stomach, drawing a hiss from the man above him. Siegbert moaned quietly as Shiro’s lips descended upon him again, showering his stomach in kisses and bites before carefully brushing his open mouth over his erection, groaning as he did so. Siegbert mewled and arched as Shiro’s hands gripped his thighs once more, forcing them apart as wide as he could. 

“S-Shiro… I…” He wasn’t quite sure what he was trying to say, but Shiro pulled away before he could gather his thoughts; his broad chest heaving and shining with a fine sheen of sweat. Siegbert smiled up at him, reaching out to touch his arm reassuringly. 

“S-sorry, Sieg. I got carried away… I just…” Shiro sighed, a grin breaking out over his flushed face. “I’m hopeless when it comes to you.” Siegbert gave a shaky laugh, reaching up to him in hopes that it would convince him to return to his place between his legs, but instead, he lay down beside him, kissing his cheek. 

“Let’s try to calm down a little… I want to drag this out. I know you’re worth waiting for.” Shiro said, his fingers trailing lovingly over his lips. “Would you like for me to read to you?”

“I… yes. I would.” Siegbert said, taking a deep breath to calm himself. His desire still raged on, but he knew Shiro was right. Desperation would only make their union sweeter in the end. For now, he would just go along for the ride and take what Shiro gave him.  
***  
Shiro watched as Siegbert slept, his lovely hands curled against his face. His fingers still made lazy circles around the little nubs of his horns, the action making Siegbert purr in his sleep. His lips stung from the bites and desperate kisses, but it was worth it. Siegbert was more passionate than he’d expected, and it was wonderful. 

‘It’s always the shy ones.’ He smiled as he pulled his hand away, kissing his beau’s cheek; taking a moment to admire his reddened lips, the memory of his panting and soft, hungry moans still fresh in his mind. There was so much he wanted to do to him, but he didn’t want to rush it. For the time being, it was enough to simply savor his kiss and feel his soft skin under his fingertips.

His mind wandered to the morning before, when he’d woken to Siegbert rocking his hips, his perfect, plump ass grinding against him through the thin cotton of his night clothes. It had almost proven to be too much for him. Even now, it was difficult to ignore the alluring warmth beside him. Siegbert was simply too beautiful for his own good. 

A knock on the door made him swear, and he carefully crawled from the bed, haphazardly throwing his juban on before opening it. He knew who it was. His father had already said they would talk when he got back. It was about that time.

“So, you’re ready to talk, huh?” His father nodded, motioning for him to follow. 

“Let’s go outside since both Xander and Siegbert seem to be feeling sleepy.” His father said. 

As they stepped out into the garden, his father turned to face him, fidgeting nervously. His father didn’t fidget. What was going on?

“Shiro… I’m so sorry.” 

“Wait, what?” He didn’t apologize, either. “Are you feeling sick?”

“No, son. I feel well enough. Guilty and disgusted with myself, maybe; but well enough.” Shiro watched in confusion as his father stepped closer, reaching out to him cautiously. He acted like he was some sort of wild animal he was attempted to pet.

“Dad… you can’t just say ‘sorry’ and act like everything's okay, you know? You said some really awful crap yesterday. And then you hit me, so it’s doubly awful.”

“I know; that’s why I’m not stopping here. Shiro, I know I said horrible, cruel and ignorant things to you, and gods I never should have hit you, but you were just being so infuriating. No one else can make me angry like you. “

“That’s no excuse. You’re my dad! You’re supposed to be more mature, but I can hardly tell the difference between us.” Shiro said, crossing his arms. “If you’re gonna regret it, don’t do it.”

“I know, son; I know.” His father sighed, his shoulders sagging. “Shiro, is your heart set on Siegbert?” He asked.

“Yes. I love him, dad. I’ve already told you. Stuffy nobles aren’t going to change my mind; and neither are you.”

“I don’t want to. Not anymore. I just… want you to grow as a person and find happiness. If Siegbert can give you that, then… for now it will be enough.” His father said, nodding.

“Why do you hate him so much, anyway? What’d he ever do to you?” Shiro asked, cocking an eyebrow. His father blanched, his expression one of pure shock. 

“Hate…? I don’t hate him! Good gods, Shiro.” Ryoma shook his head sadly, pursing his lips in thought. “I disapprove of him fighting. He’s such a gentle person and I fear it may prove too much for him. He gives too much of himself, and he’s so kind; he is the sort of person I fight wars to protect. Perhaps it just vexes me to see him; and all the others like him, fighting instead.”

“You should probably tell him that. I think he’d like to know he’s not on your shit list for something he doesn’t even know about. He probably has since he’s been with us.” His father groaned, taking a seat on the low garden wall. Shiro followed suit, huffing as he did so. “I swear you’re so bad at this. I hope I’m better. I don’t want to make the people I love feel like massive disappointments.”

“You are. You tell people what you think and how you feel. I love that about you. You’ve always been such an earnest boy.” His father’s tone turned wistful as he came to rest on his knees.

“Oh yeah? I don’t think you’ve ever told me that.”

“Then I’ve done you more harm than I ever thought. Shiro… you were such a happy, beautiful child. You were messy, loud, you cried constantly and you never wanted your mother or I to put you down; but you made me so happy.” Shiro was taken aback by his father’s candid admission, and he could feel his eyes stinging slightly, but he didn’t need to cry here. It would just make it awkward.

“Dad…”

“No, let me finish; please. Shiro. I know I’ve not been the best father to you, and I know I’ve had unrealistic expectations, but I swear to you, I’ll try to do better. I can’t say I won’t make mistakes and say more stupid things, but I will try.” Shiro sighed, throwing his arm around his father’s shoulders.

“Yeah… I’ll try to do better for you too. I know I can be difficult to deal with and I’m stubborn. But… if I have you to give me direction and Sieg to help me with the rest, I’ll get there. I can’t do it yet, you didn’t raise me that way; but I swear that until I’m the prince you need me to be, I’ll do my best to be a good person. Is that enough?” His father laughed softly, ruffling his hair affectionately before embracing him. 

“Yes. For now, that’s all I ask of you. Be a good man, and a good partner to Siegbert. I’ll be here to help you from here on; I promise.” Shiro sighed, a smile finally breaking out onto his face. 

“I love you, dad. You know that, right?”

“I do. I hope you know I love you as well.” They pulled away, standing together. “Now, I’m sure you’d like to get back to Siegbert… and I need to see if I can’t get Xander to stop glaring at me every time he sees me.”

“What the hell did you do, anyway?” Shiro asked, a small laugh sneaking past his lips. “I’ve never seen him so miffed at any of us.”

“I hurt you. Xander… is very much against striking children. In his words, I am your father; the person who should want to hurt you least. A father who hurts his child is a tyrant. I understand him much better now and see that he simply… doesn’t want anyone to go through the things he went through.” 

“Well, I guess that explains things.” His father hummed, a smile on his lips. 

“We’ll speak later, son.” For the first time in a long time, Shiro found himself comfortable with that sentence, rather than dreading their next conversation. It was a start at least. Maybe they would never make it to the same level as Xander and Siegbert, but they could be better than they were; and that was all he wanted.


	11. Denouement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loose ends are tied up. The trial comes to a close, signaling the end of their stay in Velance. The boys want to make the day special, but things keep getting in the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not satisfied with this chapter, or really any of them since chapter 8, but it's all a learning experience. I can't get better if I don't see things through. I'll give my full thoughts next chapter, and also give hints to my next project. See you all soon.

Shiro groaned as a soft knock fell upon their door, the sound interrupting the dream he’d been enjoying. Beside him, Siegbert stirred slightly; his sleepy murmur brought a smile to his face in spite of being woken. He sat up with a grunt, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He couldn’t let the noise to persist, it would wake Siegbert if he did. He frowned as the door opened to reveal his father, who was only half dressed and unshaven. 

“What’s up? Something wrong?” He asked, scratching at his jaw absently. His father yawned and stretched before answering. He must have just woken up.

“Xander and I want you and Siegbert to join us. It won’t take terribly long, but the verdict should come out today; it would be best for us all to be there.” He said. Shiro sighed, nodding before casting a glance behind him. The thin shaft of light from the open door illuminated Siegbert’s sleeping form. He felt guilty that he had to disturb him, but if they said it wouldn’t take all that long, then he could always come back for a nap. 

“Okay, we’ll meet you both downstairs for breakfast, I guess.” Shiro said, sure to keep his voice low. He’d let Siegbert stay in bed until he was ready. That would be a little extra time, at least. He closed the door quietly, making his way through the dark room to his pack. He’d need the light to see any outer garments, but he knew a juban and fundoshi by feel; the rest could come later. 

Unable to control himself, he leaned over the sleeping man on the bed, searching for his lips in the dark. He kept the kiss gentle and simple, he didn’t want to wake him, only to taste him. Siegbert hummed softly, turning his face away from him. Shiro chuckled and straightened, making his way to the bathroom. Despite being up early most days, Siegbert had been difficult to wake since coming to Velance. It was cute, really. He’d never thought his hardworking beau would be so fond of sleeping in. He looked forward to the future, when they didn’t have to watch their backs constantly and Siegbert could sleep as long as he wanted. 

He had a new goal for ending this war, now. He wanted to wake Siegbert with kisses and linger in bed without feeling rushed. He wanted to make love to him in the morning, slow and lazy. He would do anything to make sure they got that chance.   
***  
Shiro climbed carefully into the bed behind his sleeping lover, his hand tracing the contours of Siegbert’s hip and waist before coming to rest on his arm. He trailed his lips over the shell of his ear before pressing a kiss to his cheek. He smiled as Siegbert rolled towards him with a sleepy hum, his arms locking around his waist. 

“Morning, Sieg. You sleep okay?”

“Mmhmm.” Siegbert curled closer, pressing soft, uncertain kisses along his neck and chest. Shiro shivered slightly; trying hard to ignore the voice in the back of his mind that told him to reciprocate. If he gave in to that, they’d be in bed all morning. 

“Y-you should go take a bath. Our dads want us to join them in court today.” Shiro managed, the words coming with great difficulty as Siegbert’s hand found its way into his juban; his touch curious as he caressed his stomach.

“Do we have to? I want to stay here with you." Siegbert murmured, his voice muffled slightly by his shoulder. 

“W-well… I mean…” Shiro groaned as Siegbert nibbled at the junction of his neck and jaw, a playful giggle answering him in return. “T-the verdict comes out today. They want us to go.” Shiro forced the words through gritted teeth, his will to make it downstairs faltering as Siegbert’s teeth nipped at his ear, his hand tugging at his juban with a clear request. “S-sieg…” 

"I suppose I should get ready, shouldn’t I?” Siegbert murmured, his tone dejected. It seemed he wanted the same things. “I’ll be back to help you with that bird’s nest of yours soon.” He said, pulling away hesitantly, his hand lingering in Shiro’s shirt a moment longer before he crawled from the bed. Shiro relaxed against the pillows, his heart hammering in his chest as Siegbert lit the lamp. 

Shiro let out a shaky sigh, praying that he couldn’t see how his attention had affected him. For once, he was grateful for his fundoshi; it helped hide the fact that he was half hard. 

“Gods you’re such a tease.” Shiro groaned, shoving a hand through his hair. Siegbert looked up from his pack, his cheeks burning a bright pink, surprise clear in his eyes. Had he not realized what kind of effect he had on him? Was he really so oblivious to his own charm? 

“O-oh! I wasn’t trying to tease, I promise! I j-just… you were so warm and… I…” Siegbert covered his face in embarrassment, his already soft voice becoming nearly silent. “I couldn’t help it…” Shiro laughed, shaking his head. 

“It’s fine, Sieg; you can make it up to me later.” He said, smirking as Siegbert lowered his hands, looking at him in confusion.

“H-how do you propose I do that?” He asked, his gaze faltering as Shiro stood, striding towards him. 

“You just pick up where you left off, silly. You were so confident for a minute there, where’d that go?” Shiro teased, his hands finding Siegbert’s hips. 

“I-I… I don’t know… the light was off a-and you c-couldn’t see me. I… guess that helped.” Siegbert murmured, his cheeks flushing deeper.

“You don’t want me to see you?”

“It… it’s not that. It’s just that knowing you’re watching makes me nervous. I don’t want to disappoint you.” 

“You don’t, and you won’t. Sieg… listen to me. You’ve never done any of this. I don’t expect you to be perfect. If I did, what kind of asshole would I be?” Siegbert chuckled softly, his eyes soft as he looked up at him.

“I know. It’s just my own mind. I know that you don’t have such unreasonable expectations. It’s just that… in the moment, I want to be perfect for you.” 

“You already are. No matter what, I want you to understand that. You are perfect to me, no matter what.” Siegbert smiled sheepishly down at him, that familiar look of hope in his eyes. “I love you.” 

“And I you… I… should get ready. They’ll start to think we got… distracted.” He said, his blazing cheeks making his meaning unmistakable. Shiro took a deep breath through his nose, trying to rein in his imagination. 

“Y-yeah… probably for the best. The longer we stand here, the more I want to get distracted.”

Siegbert mumbled something that sounded like ‘me too’ before hurrying towards the bathroom. Shiro watched him go, his eyes shameless as they took in his long legs and slim hips, wondering briefly what he would do if he followed him. Would he panic? Would he be angry? Would he give in to him gratefully?

He sighed, shaking his head. He hadn’t expected to be so needy when he could finally call Siegbert his own, but now, he was quickly becoming desperate. He felt spellbound by Siegbert’s every move. It was an attraction he’d never felt for anyone before. He would make sure that no matter what came to pass, Siegbert would feel cherished. Nothing mattered more to him.  
***  
They managed to make it through their breakfast with minimal teasing from their fathers and now found themselves in the balcony of the town hall, watching the happenings below them. Shiro was hardly interested in the trial, though. He was too distracted by the way Siegbert’s trousers stretched across his thighs. 

He hadn’t noticed before, but all of Siegbert’s clothes fit snugly across his thighs and bottom, accentuating their shape. His shirts and vests drew attention to his strong shoulders and trim waist. It was at odds with his personality, so much so that if he didn’t know better, he’d think it were an act. 

In truth, Siegbert seemed unaware of how nicely his clothes fit him. If he didn’t know how perfect he was, then it was a fair bet that he didn’t know how tempting a distraction his body was either. He found himself oblivious to anything but him, the quiet sound of his breathing only serving to make him focus harder. They were alone up there, with no one there to interrupt them, and the likelihood that someone would look up and see them in any compromised situation was minimal. 

Shiro smiled as he relaxed against his seat, and allowed his hand to drift from his lap to Siegbert’s knee. He delighted in the quiet gasp to his left, and it only served to make him braver. His hand drifted higher, dipping between Siegbert’s strong legs as he pretended to watch the closing discourse below them. His lover’s grip tightened on the arms of his chair, his thighs parting slightly under his touch. His cheeks burned a charming shade of rose and his chest rose and fell rapidly, but he managed to maintain his air of propriety and politeness in spite of it, which only made him more appealing. Shiro wanted to break that facade of calm and once again see the passion that lurked just beneath the surface. 

His slow, methodical caresses pulled a tiny murmur from the man beside him, the sound filling the air around them like a melody. It called to mind the sounds he’d made just the day before, the memory of his panting and gasping pushing him to reach higher until his hand found the bulge of Siegbert’s manhood. He smirked as Siegbert jumped, his breathing halting momentarily as he attempted to control himself. 

“Shiro…” Siegbert’s voice was soft, more of a sigh than anything and it made him hard just to hear it. “You’re a deviant.”

Shiro chuckled, giving the flesh in his hand a gentle squeeze before pulling away. Siegbert whimpered at the teasing touch, squirming in his seat in desperation; the grip on his chair tightened, his knuckles turning white. Shiro took his hand, bringing the digits to his mouth. Siegbert watched him as he pressed kisses to their tips before he laced their fingers and let their hands dangle between them, innocent and immobile. Siegbert’s chest was still heaving, his hips still twitching, his grip too tight; the whole scenario was entirely inappropriate and that only made it better. 

“You’re so cute; I could just eat you up.” Shiro purred, enjoying the way Siegbert shivered. He would make good on all his promises in due time, they just had to make it through this. 

“You’re awful, doing such things in public.” Siegbert murmured, his voice hoarse. 

“You could have told me to stop, you know?” Shiro teased, a knowing smile spreading across his face. “You spread your legs for me, what does that make you?”

“I’m not sure, but I… want to be alone with you. There are too many people here.”

“Oh? And what do you want to do that we can’t do here?” Siegbert blushed furiously, his gaze flickering out over the crowded room below them, his lips pulling down into a pout. 

“S-Shiro don’t tease, you’ve done enough of that for now.”

“I can’t know what you want if you don’t tell me.” Siegbert’s mouth worked soundlessly for a moment, his lips trembling as he tried to find the words. 

“I just… want you. I don’t care about what anyone else would say.” Shiro’s eyebrows rose in surprise at the resoluteness in his tone. He’d have thought that if either of them were to be too shy to say it aloud, it would be Siegbert; but there he was, saying the words they’d both been leaving unsaid without hesitation. Now the desire for them to be alone was even stronger and the wait even more torturous. 

“We could always sneak out.” Shiro murmured, stroking Siegbert’s hand with his thumb. His heart thrummed in his ears as Siegbert seemed to consider his proposition, chewing his bottom lip in thought. 

“I… I want to. I want to go back to the inn, but Father would be cross with us… I don’t want that to be something I remember when I think about any of this.”

“Tease.” Siegbert giggled softly, casting a cautious glance around them to ensure no one was watching before ducking in for a quick kiss, his hand drifting lightly over his crotch. Shiro groaned as Siegbert pulled away, his blushing cheeks making him appear innocent in spite of it all. 

“Now, now. Don’t be fussy my love. I haven’t forgotten about what I promised this morning. You’ll be rewarded greatly for your patience. I’ll give you all the attention you can stand.” Siegbert’s tone was sweet as ever as he turned back to the front; but Shiro could feel the meaning behind his words, and it made his formal clothes feel much too warm.

“I’m looking forward to it.”  
***  
“How would you have punished him, Siegbert?” Xander asked, his gazed fixed on the scenery rolling by. He’d seemed troubled since they’d left the trial, as if he doubted himself. Siegbert sighed, reaching for his father’s clenched fist, gently prying it open. 

“It is easy to kill a man, Father. I believe that you did the right thing in taking the harder path. It’s time for Nohr to move away from the barbaric ways of the past, and while he certainly won’t enjoy his time in prison, he serves as a lesson to others. We can be harsh without being cruel.” 

“Thank you. I… I’m proud of you. You’re much wiser than I was at your age.” Siegbert sighed, shaking his head. 

“I only learned from watching you and mother.” Xander smiled, his eyes crinkling at the corners. 

“You’re always trying to give us credit for it. I suppose I’ll just have to accept it, won’t I?”

“Well, I am your son. Wouldn’t that be fair? It’s not as though I knew many other people, Father. You took great pains in ensuring that I had a good education and positive figures in my life. Things weren’t perfect and there were times I missed you more than I’d like to admit, but such were the way things had to be.” 

“You’re a gracious person, Siegbert.” Ryoma said, a slight smile on his face. “Shiro could learn a thing or two from you.” Shiro grunted, a rueful smile on his handsome face as his father nudged him playfully with his foot. 

“Yeah well, why don’t we just let him be the cute one? He’s good at it.” Siegbert groaned as laughter filled the carriage. He didn’t mind the teasing terribly much, it was an affectionate sort that only served to remind him that his father was invested in his well being. It was a good feeling, and he would take any gentle prodding that came with it.   
***  
“Siegbert, can I have a word please” Ryoma asked as they exited the carriage. Siegbert looked to his father and Shiro, smiling gently.

“Certainly. We’ll be along shortly.” He sighed, watching as the other men left them alone, falling into a conversation of their own. 

“Let’s take a walk, it’s a nice day out. No doubt you’d like the exercise.” Ryoma said, gesturing for him to walk beside him. Siegbert fell into step at his left, trying his best not to fidget. He was nervous to be alone with him. What was he going to say? Was he going to tell him he wasn’t welcome in his family, that he didn’t deserve his son? His stomach turned at the thought. He didn’t want to go back to that place, he already struggled enough to stay away from it. 

“I’ve done you a great disservice Siegbert.” Ryoma said, his tone sad. 

“H-how do you mean, Sir?”

“I’ve never told you how I thought of you. I insist on being your mother’s family, and yet I can’t muster the dignity to show her flesh and blood that he is important to me. I’m rather bad at that, apparently.” He said, sighing heavily. 

“I-if you feel that you’ve wronged me, then know that I am not bitter. I always felt that I did something to deserve it. I don’t know how I feel now… I’m trying to think better of myself, but it’s hard.” He admitted. 

“You never did anything to deserve it. You’ve only ever been a pleasure to know. I’m sorry that I was so distant from you. I’ve had time to think about it, and perhaps I just didn’t know how to approach you. Your father and I were enemies for so long, and even though we are friends now, there are still times that I remember how I thought of him… and how angry I was at your mother. I was even angrier when they married, and your birth did little to ease it. I think I just didn’t feel like I deserved to be in your life until I got over that.” Ryoma seemed to deflate, as he spoke, his shoulders sagging. 

“So… you resented me?” Siegbert asked, confusion coloring his tone. 

“Not exactly, but I certainly didn’t approve of their relationship. It was silly, I’m happy for them now; and I’m happy that they have you and your brother, it gives them something to continue on for. They both became far more determined and happy when you and Kana were born. I only wish that you and the others like you would leave the fighting to the rest of us.”

“Why on earth would you expect me to do that?” Siegbert asked, stopping abruptly. Ryoma turned to face him, his expression serious.

“You have a talent for dealing with people, Siegbert. You’re deeply empathetic, almost to a fault. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you to take lives. You give so much of yourself to others, I worry that you’ll go through this again.” Siegbert shook his head, his mouth set in a grim line.

“It’s easier than you’d expect. These people are trying to kill people I love. When I weigh their lives against the lives of my friends and family, I find it easy to decide who will die. People are not so simple as to be defined as only ‘kind’ or ‘cruel,’ Ryoma.” 

“I do believe you take after your aunt more than people know.” Siegbert smiled ruefully, shrugging slightly.

“Perhaps. I try not to dwell on what I’ve had to do since leaving the deeprealms. It’s been almost two years, it’s too late to change course now.” Ryoma nodded, squeezing his shoulder affectionately. 

“I regret that you feel you must fight, but I’m glad you’re with us. You’ve been a boon, and I know that you’ll help Shiro become a better man. Kagero will be happy as well, I think.”

“I-I hope so… I’ve always admired the both of you.” Ryoma laughed, thumping him on the back.

“Come Siegbert, let’s return to the others. I’m ready to put all this behind us.” Siegbert smiled, nodding enthusiastically. 

“Y-yes, me too. Let’s not be so distant from here on.”  
***  
The door closed behind him and almost immediately, he was best by his enthusiastic lover. Shiro pulled him into a tight embrace, his arms closing around his middle like a vice. His head came to rest solidly against his chest, tucked sweetly beneath his chin. They remained there, holding each other for several minutes before Shiro finally pulled back enough to look at him.

“Everything go okay?” He asked. Siegbert nodded, smiling down at him as he cupped his cheek. 

“Of course, everything is fine.”

“Good, I didn’t want to get into another fight with him.” Siegbert chuckled, shaking his head. 

“I’d rather we all try our best to handle disagreements civilly from now on, Love.” He murmured, pressing a kiss to Shiro’s brow. 

“Yeah, I’ll try; but when it comes to you, I can’t help myself. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Shiro murmured, leaning up on his toes expectantly. “You should take a nap. We’re all going out for supper. Xander found a nice place that looks like it’ll be good for our last night here.”

Siegbert hummed in response, pulling Shiro towards the bed. He didn’t mind lying down, but he’d not do so alone. He wanted Shiro close, just as he always did. 

“What about us? What should we do tonight?” He asked. He knew the answer. They’d been dancing around it with all the subtlety of a rutting wyvern. 

“Whatever we want. I’ve got a few ideas for you.” Shiro said, pressing close as they stretched out on the bed, his hand resting on his hip. “And I’m gonna take my time. I don’t want to leave an inch untouched.” 

Siegbert sighed, his cheeks heating at the suggestion. It would be a long day yet, but he knew that it would be worth it. He just had to make it until that night.


	12. Euphoria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Siegbert and Shiro make the most of the time they have left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done. It took me forever because of holiday nonsense and just a general lack of motivation and excitement for this project, but it's done and it feels good to say that. 
> 
> This thing ended up a bit longer than I had intended and went a different direction from my original plan, but I think it turned out okay, all things considered. 
> 
> It would take a while for me to completely explain why I'm not 100% satisfied with it, and I think a lot of it has to do with how much I criticize myself; it's easy to feel like you've done poorly when you know where all your mistakes are. Hopefully I can be a little kinder to myself with the next project. 
> 
> Speaking of which, my next project will be a more mature story all about self discovery and growing as an individual, so hopefully you'll all join me on that little foray. Thank you so much for reading and all of your kind words. I read all your comments, I just never know how to respond to praise, so I just let it sit there, and then it feels like I let it sit for too long and it would just be weird to respond... yeah. Hopefully I'll get better at that with this next project, too.

He listened to the sound of Shiro’s steady breathing, punctuated by the scratching of charcoal on paper. The sun hung low; it was nearing evening by his estimation, and Shiro had been sleeping for a few hours now. He’d dozed for a while, perhaps; but his mind had been too busy to sleep. He’d soon found himself sitting in the room’s single chair, his sketchbook in hand. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d drawn Shiro, if he were to be honest. There were many studies in black and white littering the pages of the worn tome, and his handsome beau was featured in more than he’d like to admit. In many ways, Shiro had been his muse, and he would continue to be such; even when they were old and gray, should they still be together. He dearly hoped they would be. 

Sighing, he looked up from his sketch, admiring the beauty of the scene before him. He couldn’t capture just how perfect Shiro looked on paper. He had no pigments to accurately express the way warm, golden light played over Shiro’s freckled cheeks and bare shoulders; nor the way it caught in his chestnut hair. Again, he found himself struck by just how peaceful his lover looked, and in turn how quiet the realization made his mind. 

He’d not had so much peace within himself since before leaving his deeprealm; and likely not since childhood. There had always been a subtle kind of anxiety within him that turned shadows into monsters and silence into a dull roar. He couldn’t be certain if that meant that one day he would find himself at rest for good, enjoying the same quiet surety everyone else seemed to feel. He’d always wanted to ask his mother or father if they ever felt so painfully small before the rest of the world that their existence seemed meaningless; but every time he’d backed down. It had seemed a trivial, stupid question to ask them… but perhaps not. 

His father was only human. He’d shown him just how uncertain he could be only hours ago. Perhaps it was well past time for a true heart to heart talk. There was so much he’d been wanting to tell him. Every time he crumpled his brow in concern, he wanted to tell him what he felt and how he saw the world, but the words refused to come out. He felt as if he could say it now. Would this be a good time? Would his father be willing to put whatever he was doing now aside for him? Breathing deeply, he stood and placed his sketchbook aside. He would never know if he didn’t ask.  
***  
His knuckles rapped against the wood in a short staccato, his nerves making him too jittery to be gentler. His father answered almost immediately, his hair tousled and eyes tired. He’d been sleeping it seemed. Guilt settled in his gut like a stone, the familiar feeling of inadequacy crawling back. His apology was on the tip of his tongue, but the warm smile on his father’s face stopped him. 

“Did you need something, son?” His father yawned, attempting to straighten out his hair. 

“W-well… I was hoping we could talk.” Siegbert said, nibbling his lip.

“Certainly! Get your coat on. We’ll take a stroll.” Siegbert nodded, rushing back to the room he and Shiro shared for but a moment. His beau slept soundly, but he would want to know where he was when he awoke. It was only proper if he told him. Not wanting to wake him, he penned a brief note and left it sitting on the bedside table before swaddling himself in his coat and scarf before joining his father on the landing. He chuckled lightly as his father fussed over him briefly before linking their arms. “Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to go? We’ve got a bit of daylight left.”

He’d not thought much about it, but oddly; he wanted to show his father the forest. He’d not been so concerned about it before, but he was beginning to realize how dangerous he could potentially be. He wanted his mother fiercely, but at least showing his father would help her understand later. 

“Yes… I… think you should see something.”  
***  
The walk to the edge of the forest was a leisurely one. They took their time, strolling through crowded streets arm in arm, speaking quietly about whatever came to mind. Perhaps a cloud looked particularly like a rabbit, or a piece of fruit looked especially ripe. It was easy and comfortable, and Siegbert enjoyed it immensely. It had been so long since being with his father was a comfort instead of another source of anxiety. 

“So, what is it that you want me to see out here?” His father asked as they took their first steps into the forest. Siegbert chuckled, casting a glance over his shoulder. He didn’t need to say anything, what he wanted his father to see was almost immediately apparent and the carnage was self explanatory. 

“I thought you should see this… since Mother isn’t here.” He watched his father’s face as he took it all in, his eyes calculating and serious. 

“I see. You’re worried that you may be dangerous to other people?” He asked, easing himself down onto a felled log. Siegbert sighed and nodded. He hadn’t been at first, but as he began to think about it, he began to realize that he was capable of terrible things if he let himself. “Siegbert. Why do you carry a dragonstone?” His father asked, pulling his coat around himself as a cold breeze blew through the trees.

“Mother says it will keep me from transforming on accident.”

“It helps you control your transformations, but it also helps you retain your senses, does it not?” 

“Y-yes… I think so, at least…” His father smiled, patting the space beside him. He let Siegbert settle in, draping his arm around his shoulders before continuing. 

“Did you recognize Shiro? Did you know it was him and not someone you didn’t know and therefore couldn’t trust?”

“I did, but I still attacked. I knew his smell, his voice; but I was angry. I couldn’t control myself. Father, I could have hurt him… or worse.” Siegbert shuddered at the thought. “I couldn’t have lived with such guilt.” His father sighed, tugging him closer. 

“Siegbert, I believe this is something that comes with time. You will not be fully in control of yourself until you practice it. Your mother will be thrilled to help you with that; but you can’t let yourself dwell on what you could have done. It never ends well.” The sad, haunted tone of his father’s voice gave him pause; but they’d never had such an open conversation before. He needed to know.

“Father… d-do you… have regrets?” His father gave a soft laugh, shaking his head sadly.

“More than I can count, my son. Some of them have names and faces; some I knew personally. There are so many things that I did out of necessity. You’re old enough now that I could probably tell you some of these things.” Siegbert’s curiosity was strong, and he wanted to know everything about his father and his life before he was born; but he’d heard mention of things that gave his father and the others that grew up in Windmire great pain. 

“I would never want to make you recount something that made you make such a face, Father. I am curious, and I do want to know… but…”

“Then… if you don’t mind terribly; I may keep it to myself a while longer. I don’t want you to ever think ill of me. I fear these secrets may.” Siegbert shook his head vigorously, turning to look at his father. 

“No, never. If you say that what you did gave you great pain, and brought you misery; then how can I think ill of you? How could I think ill of the man that I so admire?”

“I used to think the same, Siegbert. I admired my father, I followed his orders without pause; and now I often find myself at a loss. I feel as though I should have realized sooner, but… I covered my eyes and blocked it out. In many ways, I am no better than he.” Siegbert threw himself into his father’s arms, sending them both sprawling to the damp earth, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t stand to hear his father, the man who had always been so strong, sound like him. He held him tightly, his lips pressed against his brow. 

“Fath--” Siegbert took a deep breath and began again. “Papa. I haven’t been by your side as much as I would like, and I realize I don’t know everything about you; but I know this… I am who I am because of your influence. Mother alone didn’t shape me. Your words and your guidance did just as much as anyone’s; perhaps more. If I am a good man, it is because you are a good man.” 

Xander laughed wetly, a quiet sniffle surprising them both. Siegbert lay there in silent wonder as he felt his father’s shoulders shake as he embraced him fiercely. His father was crying. He’d never thought he would see him do as such, but there he was; laying in a pile of fallen leaves, listening to his father weep. The sound of it brought tears to his own eyes, and before he knew it, they were both at it. 

“Y-you haven’t called me ‘papa’ since you were small.” His father murmured, voice still thick with tears. 

“I know.” Siegbert smiled, sitting beside his father on the ground. He rather liked the way it felt as it rolled off his tongue. “I always worried that calling you ‘papa’ would make me seem childish. I didn’t want to make you think I wasn’t taking things seriously.”

“To be honest, Siegbert… I always hated being called ‘Father.’ That was what I called my father, and I don’t want to be him. All the good things that I remember are just one more thing I hate about all of this. I’ll never be able to go back to those days fondly, and even when I look back on them; there will always be a shadow cast over it.” Xander took a deep breath and sat up, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his coat. “I know you’ll probably still call me ‘Father’ in public settings… but if you don’t mind…”

“Of course not. It may take some getting used to, and I may still slip from time to time, but I’ll try to be less formal from here on.” Siegbert chuckled as his father pulled him in for a hug before hauling them both to their feet, dusting away leaves from their backs. “I love you, papa.”

“And I you. I’m proud of you, and I always will be. I know your mother feels the same way. Now then, why don’t we have some tea? It’s cold out. I don’t want you slipping back into illness.”  
***  
The clinking of plates and silverware filled the room as people enjoyed their meals, sipped their wine, and made loud conversation. Laughter rose and fell in a dizzying swell, and only the warmth of Shiro’s hand in his under the table kept him from becoming overwhelmed. 

Cautiously, he scooted closer, resting his head against his shoulder. Shiro gave a quiet murmur and pressed a chaste kiss against the crown of his head, squeezing his hand. If their fathers cared about the display of affection, they made no mention of it; they simply continued their conversation as they had been. 

“What's wrong, babe?” Shiro asked, his voice dull murmur against his brow. 

“Nothing, my love. I'm just a little tired, I think.” Siegbert said. They'd been there for a little over an hour, and while he'd enjoyed his time with his father, he was ready to leave. 

“Mm. I get it. You've been up all day, I told you to take a nap, didn't I?” Shiro's tone was kind, his grip gentle. “I knew you'd get sleepy.”

“I tried. I just couldn't do it.” 

It was true that he was tired, but really he was simply ready to get Shiro alone. He'd been looking forward to his lover fulfilling his promises all day. His every other thought was consumed by Shiro's touch. Even now, sitting across from his father, he could feel the gnawing emptiness swelling inside. 

He started when he felt Shiro's hand drift to his thigh under the table, his sudden movement drawing attention from the two older men, their gazes curious. 

“S-sorry. Long legs.” Siegbert stammered, his cheeks burning as Shiro smirked at him. His father gave him an odd smile before continuing with his story. He knew. There was no way he didn't. His father was no fool.

Shame coursed through him as Shiro's hand drifted higher, slipping between his thighs, teasing him with promises of what would come later. He shouldn't be allowing such behavior, and yet, he couldn't bring himself to stop him. He wanted to slip out, back to the privacy of their room; he wanted Shiro to stop this teasing. His heart pounded as Shiro leaned in, his lips a scant breath away from his ear. 

“You leave first. I'll follow after a while.” Shiro whispered, an innocent smile on his face as his hand left his thigh, both coming to rest on the table top. Weighing his options, Siegbert decided to go with the story that was most truthful. He stretched his arms overhead, yawning as he did so. 

“I believe I'm going to turn in. It's been a long day, and we've a tiresome trip ahead. Goodnight, Papa; Ryoma.” Siegbert said, turning to Shiro with a meaningful nod. “Don't stay up too long, Shiro. You'll regret it come morning.”

“Nah, I don't think any of us are too far behind you, babe. C’mere.” Shiro said, pulling him into a one armed hug, his desire for a kiss clear on his face. Siegbert huffed a quiet laugh before pulling away. While he wasn't afraid to kiss him in front of his father or Ryoma, they weren't the only ones present. He didn't want to hide their love, but he didn't want to invite strangers to comment, either. Shiro pouted, but said nothing as he left him wanting. He would get all that he wanted, sooner than he realized.   
***  
His stomach churned as he looked at himself in the mirror, checking his reflection for what must have been the hundredth time. Did he look good enough? He'd done all he knew to do to make himself as appealing as possible, and to ensure a pleasant experience for them both, but what if it wasn't enough? What if he wasn't enough?

His chest ached as he found himself feeling inadequate once again. He had no idea how to please Shiro. He could barely kiss him without knocking their teeth together; how could he possibly think he could do this? He was foolish to think that Shiro would actually want him. 

‘He'll see me like this and change his mind.’ He thought, closing his robe around him in shame. What if his naked body disgusted him? ‘Don't over think this.’ He chided, taking a deep breath. He didn't understand how Shiro found him beautiful, but if he said it, then it had to be true. ‘Just do what comes naturally.’

There were so many things he wanted to do to his beloved. He wanted to please him. He was new to all of this, but Shiro had said several times already that he didn't expect perfection. He loved him. It would be fine. 

Siegbert looked down at his shaking hands, trying to get himself back under control. He had to trust him. Shiro had never lied to him. He was enough. He has always been enough. He'd struggled and suffered and bitten his tongue, it his turn to be happy. 

“Babe? You okay in there?” Siegbert yelped, swearing quietly as the crystalline soap dish clattered to the floor; the bar of perfumed soap shooting across the room as if launched from a trebuchet. 

“Y-yeah! S-sorry, Shiro. I didn't hear you come in.” Siegbert said, bending down to inspect the dish. Finding it unbroken, he returned it to its rightful place. The soap could come later, it was hardly an urgent matter. 

He steeled himself as he pushed the door open and stepped out into their shared bedroom. He found Shiro sitting at the foot of their bed, his eyes raking over him with an almost predatory zeal. He watched as Shiro wet his lips and shifted on the spot, his eyes closing as a soft groan slipped through his lips. 

“Gods you're perfect.” He said, opening his arms in a silent offer. “Come to daddy.”

Siegbert giggled and moved closer, gladly letting Shiro pull him down into his lap. He shuddered as he straddled his hips, his lover's hands resting on the small of his back. 

Siegbert hummed as Shiro's hands trailed lower, cupping his rear with a possessiveness he'd never expected. He found himself shifting on Shiro's lap, quickly growing needy as he felt his lover's breath against the hollow of his throat. Too impatient to simply sit there and be touched, Siegbert gave Shiro a light push, a silent request for him to lay back. 

Shiro; ever the rebellious sort, opted to lift Siegbert from his lap and lay him upon the bed. Siegbert yelped as his back hit the mattress; curling his legs inward as Shiro's smoky gaze lingered on him. He watched with rapt attention as he shrugged out of his yukata, baring his strong body without care. Siegbert wet his lips, clearing his throat as he struggled to speak. 

“S-Shiro… I…”

“What's wrong, babe?” Shiro asked, his voice low and velvety, the sound of it curling his toes. Shiro lay down beside him, his lips trailing gently over his cheek. “Tell me everything.”

Siegbert took a shaky breath, readying himself to speak. As much as he wanted to come across as confident and serious, he knew Shiro would want to hear his concerns. 

“I'm nervous. I've n-never done this before.” Siegbert said, his cheeks flushing as he looked at the far wall. “I know you say you won't be disappointed, but I just can't help but feel I'll manage, somehow.” 

“We can wait if you want, Sieg. If you're having second thoughts, that's okay.” Shiro said, nuzzling his temple, relishing the scent of his hair. 

“N-no… it's not that. I want this, I just…” Siegbert bit his lip as his emotions threatened to run wild. He needed to say it. He needed to hear Shiro say it out loud. “I'm still afraid that you'll change your mind, or that I'll wake and realize this was all a dream…” Siegbert trailed off as Shiro pressed their foreheads together, a gentle look in his eyes. 

“Sieg…” Shiro pulled him closer, tucking him carefully against his chest. “I love you. I love you so much it hurts. I will never, ever change my mind. Not about you. You are the most gentle, loving person I've ever had the good fortune to know; and I mean it when I say that I want to stay with you. I don't want anyone else.” Shiro's tone was resolute, his touch loving. Siegbert knew this, Shiro had said these very things many times over. But he was afraid. “I'm going to prove to you that I mean this tonight.” 

Siegbert shivered as Shiro rolled him onto his back, hovering over him briefly before he fell to kissing him. His heart raced as his lover's hands parted his robe, his calloused fingers trailing over his skin. His mouth was gentle and yielding, his tongue coaxing as his continued to gently trace patterns across his chest and down his ribs. Siegbert's fingers tangled in his hair, a whimper building in his throat as Shiro teased a perked nipple. 

Shiro pressed their foreheads together, looking down at him with a soft smile. He took in the flush on his cheeks and the soft, warm look in his eyes. 

“You're beautiful.” Shiro murmured, pressing kisses to his face and neck, sweeping lower and lower with each; lacing his physical shows of affection with sweet nothings. “I love your smile, your laugh…” Siegbert arched under him, gasping softly as his breath swept over his navel. “Your skin is perfect, your eyes are beautiful, and you smell amazing.” 

Siegbert laughed breathlessly, stroking his hair. Every word was sincere, which only made it cuter. Never would he have thought that Shiro was so sappy, nor that he would be the subject of so much unguarded affection, but he was; and it made him incredibly happy. His insecurities had been so loud only moments ago, but Shiro was killing them. Slowly but surely, his doubts were disappearing. 

“What's funny?” Shiro whispered, his fingers toying with the sash of his robe. Gooseflesh rose on his arms, a shiver rocking his entire frame. They were on the verge of moving forward. Things would change permanently between them, for better or worse. 

“Nothing… I just… never expected any of this to happen.”

“Life's funny like that, babe.” Shiro rocked back on his heels, his hands dragging downward as he moved back, gently taking Siegbert by the ankle. “It brought me you. I never would have thought this would happen two years ago.” Shiro said, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Siegbert's foot, his fingers tracing reverently up his calf. “You have such beautiful legs. They're so long… and gods, your thighs!” Shiro gushed, pecking kisses up his shins and the inside of his knees. 

Siegbert squirmed as Shiro's free hand traced randomly from his collarbone to his waist, toying absently with the sash of his robe. Siegbert squeezed his thighs closed, his face, neck and chest blazing. He was unsure of what to do with so much praise. 

“May I?” Shiro asked, his voice a velvety purr against the crease of his right knee. Siegbert gave a jerky nod closing his eyes as Shiro gave the belt a careful tug; a look of concentration on his face. It was the moment of truth. 

Shiro gasped quietly as Siegbert's body was exposed to him. He greedily drinking in the sight of his pale skin; admiring how it stretched over powerful muscle. He took in his heavy lidded gaze, flushed face and kiss swollen lips with pride before leaning forward, his hands on his knees. 

“Don't hide from me.” Shiro murmured, coaxing him to uncurl his legs. Siegbert's hands tangled in the sheets as he let his hands trail higher, his mouth following in their wake; light and careful on his thighs. Slowly, Siegbert rewarded him for his gentleness, and relaxed his legs, finally granting him the view he'd wanted so badly. 

Shiro's breath left him on a hot rush as he gazed down at him. He looked fragile, yet strong; much like marble. His eyes raked over the smooth planes of Siegbert's chest and stomach, the jut of his narrow hips, and the graceful curve of his cock with rapt attention. He'd been carved out with loving attention to detail, and he was certain that none other would ever compare. Siegbert was not just a man to him, he was art. 

“G-gods…” Shiro knew he was staring. He felt silly and juvenile, but he couldn't help himself. He leaned back as Siegbert sat up, the muscles of his stomach flexing as he did so. 

“I-is everything okay, love?” Siegbert stammered, chewing his lip, a clear sign he was anxious. 

“Y-yeah… I just…” Shiro struggled with his words, his mind too jumbled to focus on any single thought. He admired the contrast the black silk against Siegbert's skin and the way the fabric pooled around his hips. It felt wrong to touch him, as if he'd damage him if he did. “A-are you sure?”

“Y-you’re having second thoughts?” Siegbert asked, his tone crestfallen, his beautiful eyes dimming. Panic struck him when he realized Siegbert assumed he was no longer interested. 

“N-no! Gods no, I just… you're so beautiful. I don't even feel like I deserve to touch you.” Shiro murmured, cupping Siegbert's cheek. Siegbert surprised him with a laugh, the mirthful sound filling the room beautifully. 

“Don't be silly. I'm…” Siegbert sighed, shaking his head as he came up onto his knees, leaning into him. “I'm sure about this. Now more than ever.” Shiro took a deep breath before nodding, pressing their foreheads together. 

“Okay. Thank you… I love you.” Siegbert smiled them, the expression making him all the lovelier. He would remember this moment for the rest of his days, no matter what happened.   
***  
Siegbert trembled as Shiro's hot mouth pressed a sloppy kiss to his inner thigh, nipping and sucking at the flesh until a mark formed. Shiro adjusted his legs, throwing them over his shoulders to get them out of his way. 

“S-Shiro…” Siegbert's mind went blank as Shiro's hot breath swept over the head of his member. His thighs trembled, his breath coming in harsh pants. He could scarcely believe any of this was real. What if he woke and realized he'd imagined the past three days, and he was still lying alone and in pain on the wet forest floor? 

No. This was real. Shiro was there, and he loved him. He thought he was beautiful; and in the morning, he would wake in his arms with a smile. He had to learn not to revisit that awful place. It was time to let go. The past was nowhere near as interesting as what was happening here and now. 

“S-Shiro… please?” Siegbert mumbled, his hips jerking as his lover teased. 

“Please what?” Shiro asked, his tone setting Siegbert's nerves ablaze. 

“I-I…!” Words failed him as Shiro ran a calloused hand up his shaft, his thumb tracing a slow circle around the crown. He whimpered as his hand tightened around him, giving him a slow, loving stroke. His eyes rolled back, his mouth falling open as the sensation washed over him. Shiro's touch was nothing like his own. 

Encouraged by Siegbert's reaction, Shiro picked up the pace, watching as his beloved arched, a tiny moan slipping through his swollen, reddened lips. His whole body tensed, his stomach rising and falling with his desperate breathing. Unable to control himself any longer, Shiro leaned forward, dragging the flat his tongue up the underside of his cock, delighting in the way it twitched. 

“S-Shiro! W-what are you--?” Siegbert gasped his hand flying to Shiro's hair, his fingers tangling in dark stands desperately. Shiro ignored him in favor of flicking his tongue against the head, catching a bead of precum as it spilled over. 

“Shhh. Let me take care of you, babe.” Shiro whispered, pecking kisses from down his shaft, nuzzling into the curls at the base. “You have such a pretty cock. It would be a shame for me to let it go ignored.”

Shiro smirked as Siegbert blushed and sputtered, covering his face in embarrassment. He took advantage of his preoccupation, wetting his lips before taking him into his mouth. He stopped right before the tip hit the back of his throat, humming as Siegbert fisted his hands into the quilt, a mewl bubbling up from his chest. Shiro bobbed his head, unashamed of the way drool poured from his mouth, mixed with the salty fluid weeping from his lover's thick, hard member. 

The taste of his skin, the sound of his voice, and the way he desperately tugged at his hair was so exciting that Shiro couldn't stand it. He needed to free himself. He'd neglected to do so until now, wanting to focus solely on Siegbert and his needs, but he was reaching the end of his rope. His cock ached horribly, begging to be touched. He couldn't let himself have it, though. He'd gone so long without this, and he wasn't sure he'd have the stamina to bounce back. 

He broke contract with Siegbert's cock with a wet, satisfying 'pop,’ coming up on his knees to strip away the layers of fabric binding him. Siegbert watched him with dark, lustful eyes; his face red and sweaty, his hair tousled and wet. He was stunning, but Shiro knew he wouldn't be able to wait much longer. 

“Feeling good, babe?” Shiro asked, licking his lips for added effect. Siegbert keened quietly, jerking his hips in a begging fashion. “Now, now. Be patient. I need to be naked, too.” Siegbert watched as he crawled from the bed, tossing away his hakama before moving to his pack to find the vial of oil he'd bought from the herbalist days before. If it weren't for the fact that he was actually getting his wish, he'd feel creepy. 

After placing the vial the bedside table, and giving a meaningful look to the adorably disheveled man on the bed, he stripped himself of his fundoshi, watching Siegbert's reaction carefully. 

As his manhood sprang free, Siegbert found himself unable to look at anything else. He took in the flushed, swollen head, the way it curved upward, the single, thick vein that ran its length and was immediately overtaken by that swallowing emptiness he'd been so well acquainted with of late. The pit of his stomach ached, his thighs clenched, and his hips rocked; a low, desperate whine tore itself from his throat as Shiro climbed back into bed, settling back into his place between his legs. 

“You like what you see, Sieg?” Shiro rumbled, his tongue once again tasting at him, his eyes burning with desire. 

“Y-yes…” Oh gods, did he like it. It was much better than anything his feeble imagination could conjure, and unlike his dream, this was real. Shiro's every touch sent waves of pleasure through him like he'd never experienced before, and when Shiro's mouth closed around him again, he couldn't stop himself from crying out, the pleasure was too great. 

Shiro hummed in pride, bobbing his head more vigorously as Siegbert's voice became louder, the sweet, breathy sound filling the room. He wouldn't last. Siegbert was too sensitive and untested. He would finish quickly. Even now it was obvious that he was getting close. With that thought in mind, Shiro redoubled his efforts, increasing his pressure and speed. 

“S-Shiro! I… oh gods!” Siegbert's body seized, his back arching off the bed as his pleasure hit its peak. With a sadistic smile, Shiro abandoned him, leaving him to thrash and buck helplessly as his body railed against the loss of stimulation. He watched as fat tears leaked from his eyes, his lips trembling. He was beautiful and desperate, his cock swollen and flushed. “W-why?!” Siegbert whimpered, tugging at him. 

“Oh, don't worry. I'll let you finish soon. Just wait a little longer.” Shiro said, gently guiding him his stomach, tossing his crumpled robe in the floor. “But there's some work to be done.”

“B-but what about you?” 

“What about me?” Siegbert looked at him over his shoulder, his eyes full of longing. 

“I want to return the favor… I want to please you.” Shiro chuckled, leaning over him to press a soft kiss to his shoulder, his cock brushing teasingly against his thigh. 

“You will. Don't worry about me tonight. I just want to make sure you have a good time.” Shiro said, tracing the shell of his ear with his tongue before moving down his neck, to his back, admiring the graceful line of his spine; before finally reaching his rear. His hands caressed the smooth, pale skin, a groan slipping past his lips. “Gods you have a perfect ass. Come here.”

Siegbert yelped as Shiro yanked him backwards, lifting his hips, but his surprise paled in comparison to the shock he felt when Shiro's tongue slowly circled his entrance. 

It felt odd. He wanted to be embarrassed by it, but Shiro's sucking and licking only succeeded in making him melt into the bed, his arms and legs becoming jelly. It felt naughty to enjoy such a thing, as if he were some manner of deviant, but if he was, then he wasn't alone. Shiro seemed to be enjoying himself, if the way he was slurping was to be believed. 

His tongue was slow and methodical, drawing out every stroke; all dedicated to making him feel his best. Siegbert pushed his hips back slightly, groaning when Shiro understood his unspoken request and forged ahead. 

“S-Shiro… please…” The emptiness inside him threatened to swallow him whole in its intensity. He needed more than this, wonderful as it was. 

“What do you need, babe?” Shiro's tone was tender, his touch gentle. 

“I… I n-need you. Please.” Siegbert pleaded, wiggling his hips for emphasis. Shiro huffed a soft laugh, reaching for the bottle of oil he'd placed on the table earlier. 

“Okay. Just be patient for a bit longer.” He said, pouring a generous amount into his hand, slicking his fingers and Siegbert's entrance. The ache inside grew as his excitement bubbled over. He'd wanted Shiro for what had felt like forever. 

He tensed as Shiro's finger pressed against the sensitive skin, the tip sinking in slightly. Part of him had expected pain, but it really just felt odd. 

“Try to relax a little, babe. It'll be easier if you aren't so tense, I think. Shiro coaxed, kissing the small of his back. Siegbert tried to do as he asked, focusing on the gentle puff of Shiro's breath across his rear, syncing his own with that. Shiro's finger slipped deeper, bringing new sensations with it. “You're doing good, babe.”

Shiro curled his finger carefully, gentle beseeching the muscles to relax. Siegbert whimpered at the sensation, pressing himself back against Shiro's hand. 

“Everything feel okay so far?” Shiro asked, carefully moving the finger inside him, the slow back and forth motion pushing a moan out of him.

“Y-yes…” Siegbert’s voice was soft, the pleasure making it hard to find the words to express how he felt. 

“Good. You’re doing great; think you can handle more?” Siegbert nodded, a delicious ache growing inside at thought of more. Shiro withdrew before adding a second finger, the sudden sense of fullness making Siegbert cry out as a shiver shot up his spine. “You okay?”

“Y-yes! I…” He didn't know how to tell him he needed more. This was better, but he still wasn't full enough. All he knew to do was rock himself back against Shiro’s gently surging fingers in hopes that he would understand. 

“Do you need something, babe?” 

“H-harder… please…” Shiro obeyed, applying more pressure with his fingers. Siegbert hummed appreciatively; but then, Shiro crooked his fingers. Pleasure shot through him, unforgiving as it threatened to make him come undone. Hot, needle-like sensations flew up his spine, down his legs ad straight to his groin, his manhood twitching as his body seized. 

Realizing that he’d found the sweet spot that would grant Siegbert the greatest pleasure, Shiro did it again; massaging the spot vigorously, pulling moans and whimpers from the man in front of him. Siegbert mewled as his arms shook, his ass rising higher, his legs spreading in an effort to take his fingers deeper. Shiro watched, mesmerized by the way he looked as he squirmed about on his fingers. He was ready. His body was receptive enough now that the extra girth of his cock wouldn't be a problem. 

“Sieg.” Shiro leaned over him, pressing their naked bodies together, his lips brushing his ear. Siegbert twitched in response, his hypersensitive body reacting to his touch. “Do you want me?” Siegbert cooed, arching his back in order to press his ass more firmly against him. “Do you?”

“Y-yes! Please… I…” Siegbert whimpered, rocking his hips. “Please make love to me.” Siegbert’s voice was muffled by the pillows, but Shiro heard him clearly. He couldn't deny him. 

“Here.” Shiro murmured, pulling his fingers out, ignoring Siegbert’s whine as he helped him onto his back. “I want to watch you.”

Giddiness took over as they fell into place, their mouths pressed together messily as Siegbert took his cock in hand and guided it to press against his needy hole. Siegbert’s desperation was obvious as he dug his nails into his shoulders, his legs locking around his waist as Shiro anchored himself above him. 

“You sure you’re ready?” Shiro asked, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

“Y-yes… I want you… please.” Siegbert murmured, wrapping his arms around his neck, his eyes drifting closed. “I love you.”

Siegbert gasped as Shiro pushed his hips forward, the head of his member slipping inside with little resistance. He watched carefully, enjoying the look of concentration and awe on his lover’s face. 

The stretch burned, but in a deeply pleasurable way. Shiro moved slowly, his hands tight on his hips as he worked towards hilting himself. Siegbert focused on their breathing, trying to make it easier on them both; he wanted to remain as relaxed as he could. Finally, Shiro stopped moving, pressing kisses to the corner of his mouth. Siegbert took that time to adjust to the impressive girth of his manhood and how it felt to be so full. 

“You’re tighter than I expected. Did I hurt you?” Shiro forced, his voice coming out as more of a guttural hiss.

“No… you feel good.” ‘Good’ was too weak a word to describe how he felt in that moment. This was everything he’d needed, and now the horrid empty feeling was gone. He felt complete. 

“Can I move?” Siegbert’s eyes fluttered shut, the increasingly familiar ache in his gut making him moan. 

“I’m ready…”

He already felt so full, as if he would split at the seams if he took anymore, but he hungered for it. He wanted Shiro to tear him apart, to claim him so fully that none other would suffice. He wanted to lose himself in this moment.

He didn't have to wait long. Shiro pulled back slightly before surging forward with a short, sharp jerk of his hips; the dull ‘slap’ of their flesh meeting filling the room. Siegbert mewled at the feeling of it, already feeling as if he’d experienced something transcendent, but he knew it would only get better.

“That feel okay?” Shiro grunted, shuddering in his arms as he fought to control himself.

“Yes, gods! Just…” He couldn't take the stillness. Being so full but immobile was torture. He needed Shiro to move. His lover chuckled, rolling his hips teasingly.

“What’s wrong babe? You feeling impatient? Not my fault that you feel so good. You’re so tight ad warm, I just want to stay here forever.” With an irritated huff, Siegbert grabbed his lover’s face, kissing him forcefully before growling against his mouth.

“Fuck me. Now.” 

His words seemed to have the desired effect, for Shiro moaned and sapped their hips together aggressively, sending hot tendrils of pleasure through them both. Siegbert cried out, his vision swimming. Nothing could ever hope to measure up to the way Shiro felt inside him. 

“Such filthy words from such a beautiful mouth. What else can I make you say?” Shiro growled, his teeth tugging at Siegbert’s ear. Siegbert had no answers for him. He had no words left, the only thing he knew was euphoria. “You take my cock so well. Gods I’ve thought about this all day.” 

Siegbert let out a high pitched cry, sinking his teeth into Shiro’s eck, raking his nails down his back, relishing the sound Shiro made. Shiro bucked his hips, the movement jerky and desperate. It seemed that his lover was out of practice.

“S-Sieg… gods, I love you.” Shiro panted, kissing him sweetly. “I...I don't think I’ll last.” Siegbert cooed, squeezing his man’s waist with his legs. “S-sorry, babe.” Shiro gasped, a shudder rocking his frame. 

His thrusts became deep and hard, the motion causing the bed to rock to and fro, the headboard colliding with the wall from time to time, filling their room with noise. Siegbert found himself pulling his legs in towards his chest, wishing to take Shiro as deeply as he possibly could. Everything else was a blur; the clumsy pressing of mouths and groping of hands was all they could manage. 

It felt like an eternity, but in truth, it had only been mere minutes; but Siegbert could tell he'd reached his limit. The pressure inside had reached unbearable levels, and he was teetering right on the edge of the abyss, but he couldn't get over it alone. 

“Shiro… p-please…” He whimpered, leading his lover's hand downward, between their sweaty bodies to his aching erection. 

“You close?” Shiro growled, his thrusting becoming quick and erratic. Siegbert nodded, raking his fingers through sweaty, chestnut hair. 

“Then let's go together.” Shiro repositioned himself on his knees, his hand closing mercifully around Siegbert's cock, pumping him with a single-minded determination. 

Siegbert's eyes slammed shut, his ears ringing and back arching as his pleasure reached its zenith. His toes curled as he heard Shiro moan his name, his hips slamming against him in one final, desperate push; his whole frame going rigid. Seeing Shiro in such a state made it impossible for him to hold back any longer. Siegbert came with a strangled cry of his man's name, spilling himself over Shiro's knuckles and his own stomach. 

“I love you, Sieg.” Shiro murmured, curling against him in sated, sleepy bliss. Siegbert smiled, happily taking his lover's shaking frame into his arms, pressing kisses to his brow. 

“I love you, too.” Siegbert sighed, his eyes drifting closed as Shiro rose to capture his mouth in a kiss. He was exhausted, his limbs felt like jelly and his hips and rear ached, but it was perfect. He wouldn't take back any of it, and he looked forward to what the future held. He would happily follow Shiro forever, no matter where it lead him.   
***  
They hadn't had time to laze about in bed that morning, they'd scarcely managed to get washed up. They'd all overslept, and had been forced to rush through their morning preparations. 

Now that they were in the wagon and on their way back to camp, things were much more relaxed, and they could finally cuddle close and bask in each other's company. Shiro watched as Siegbert dozed in his arms, his cheeks pink from the chilly air. 

He pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, pulling their blanket around them more tightly. This ease and quiet would end soon and they'd be thrust back into the war, but Shiro knew he would be making time for tender moments likes these as often as he could. 

Closing his eyes, Shiro made a them both a promise, one he intended to keep forever. They would make it out of this and grow old together. He didn't care how they lived; be it in a castle or a hut, as long as they had each other. 

He wanted to see Siegbert with wrinkles and wizened eyes, soaking his gnarled joints in warm water to soothe the aches. If he went deaf and Siegbert blind, he wanted to be there still; appreciating the beauty of his age. It was his most sincere wish, and a goal he would strive for. For Siegbert, nothing short of forever would suffice.


End file.
